To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

Most men in their late twenties will already have met someone if they are looking for a committed relationship.

IME these men need to get to the magic age of 36 before they realise everyone around them is now having families and don’t have the time to socialise as much, therefore it’s not so much fun being single anymore. It’s at this age they want to settle down themselves.

Not a scientific study, but a definite pattern I’ve noticed. Look for slightly older men.

No one said you needed to be politically correct.

Its not helpful to try and convince it’s just that she better than other women. and it’s not true.

What makes someone a mediocre woman?

Honestly, if a man was saying ‘any women I date doesn’t want a long term relationship’, no one would say ‘it’s cause you are too good for them and then they settle for mediocre cause it makes them happier. They just can’t handle how great you are’

It’s ridiculous.

No, I definitely wouldn't settle with any guy. I don't go for money or status or things like that, but I wouldn't just overlook things like drug use or violence, or cheating.

@Iwilldrawjapan

I think that more people are single than you think, OP. I know quite a few who are your age.

Which area of the country are you based in, by the way? I can suggest places where you might meet interesting people in London, but that might be too far away for you.

Are there professional bodies allied to the work you do? I'm wondering whether they hold meetings you could go to.

You sound like quite a catch to me OP. However, I’m a straight single woman who has lost interest in men for anything other than sex so what do I know. I think that maybe it’s an age thing. You might want to explore dating men who are 35+ and a bit more mature. Guys in their late 20s will probably not be ready for the level of commitment you are looking for and they probably think that you as a mid-30s woman want marriage and kids instantly.

The likelihood is that it's not just one reason, but several.

That's not a damning indictment on you or your personality, just a recognition that not all men have the same thresholds. Ultimately, when you think about the mechanics of it, successful relationships are ones in which both parties' thresholds for red flags are north of the other's problems...because everyone has problems that their partner is going to run up against at some point during their lives together.

The only realistic situation in which it would be the same reason is if you always pick the kind of guy who has a particular "nope", which goes back to what I was saying about your selection criteria.

Hell, it could be as simple as your statement earlier that you're out of the league of most of the guys you've dated, for two opposite reasons. Either you're the kind of woman who believes you're a 10 and makes that clear to everybody (I don't think this is the case from what you've been saying, just mentioning for completeness), or the guys you're picking are aware of this and don't want to always be batting away other guys and wondering if you're going to find someone better after they've invested months/years in the relationship.

I'm in Liverpool and work for the civil service.
On valentine's day we were sitting at our desks and every single person was discussing their plans, only me and one guy were single.

Yes it’s the redflag I referred to earlier. The op is trying to become official with guys who are slow fading, deeming them right for her, without understanding the reality of the relationship

The quality of men out there is poor because of the prevailing view that relationships are temporary and have a shelf life, affairs are acceptable, sex should be on tap and it's easy to walk away from any children you have. A lot of men have a very skewed perspective on what a relationship should be all about.

You're going to have to throw money at this and any man who is also paying to be on a credible site won't be doing it for a quick hook up.

People who are serious about finding a parter take a proactive and professional approach. Look for compatibility first and foremost. This is what keeps you together when the love falters. The heady 'in love' feelings wear off and then you need something to fall back on. Compatibility is vital and provides a strong foundation.

Don't get me wrong I think being single has so many advantages. My time and money are completely my own, I'm seeing more of my family, I'm in total control of what I do, I can keep my home clean, etc. Etc.
No physical touch is hard, I mean hugs even.
Fortunately I do have a friend who despite having 2 young children, always makes time for me and I appreciate that a lot.

No wonder you feel disheartened, I don't blame you! You don't need to meet 10 suitable people, just one is that too much to ask?? (No, obvs). What about one of those paid for dating agencies where that would (hopefully) weed out men not looking to settle down as you now are? Don't think you are sounding desperate just jaded and frustrated by years of bad luck, which is what it really is.

What about a relationship coach? I read an article about this and the journalist in this was very successful after doing this, maybe it can be googled as in my usual way I can't remember the details.

Depending on the circumstance, if a man was constantly dating women who were letting him down, I might say something along those lines. It's less likely, though, because of the differences in dating MO between men and women. I am normally the very first to call out double standards between how men and women are treated, especially on this site which often thinks the worst of men unjustly. However, in this case I don't think you can do a like for like comparison.

Yabu.

You are making the mistake that men find attractive in you the same things that you do in them.

You want the truth? Well here it is. In terms of relationship value, men do not care about your financial independence, career, travels or tell-it-like-it-is self-confidence.

They want an attractive (enough) woman who is kind, attentive and listens to them not another ball breaker.

Now I am not here to tell you to change at all but here it is.

And I've bet you have indeed looked over perfectly decent guys because they're invisible to you.
That good-looking enough car mechanic? Bet he's not even on your radar.

Could you have a frank conversation with her and get her views?

We can only speculate here because we don't actually know you.

I think you have a lot going for you by the sounds of it. I also hate when people say to stop looking and it will happen when you least expect it, that has to be the most annoying thing ever to say to someone whose single and would like to meet someone.
Sometimes I look at the women that I know that are coupled up and I'm like , ok they have met someone that loves them etc, but those men definitely would not be my cup of tea and I wouldn't be attracted to them. Maybe they just have lower standards than me and that's why it's easier for them to couple up.
I totally get your frustration, I have had a rough couple of years myself where I haven't been "good enough" for anyone in the long term, I think this is because I'm in my mid 40s and have a child.
I met my ex partner online at 31 and was with him for almost 9 years but since him , my dating life has been a shit show and I'm having a much needed break from men.
You sound like a catch and I hope you meet someone you really like who treats you right.

Op it’s clear you’re not listening or fully engaging, just venting really.

is that part of the issue, it links to you trying to get serious with blokes who aren’t interested. On here you’re clearly not listening either.

are you possibly quite self focused?

Oh absolutely not, most of the men I go for are hardly gorgeous, rich and tall types, I've said that several times. I haven't overlooked anyone.

I get it, I was where you're at a couple years ago. Over those few years, several of the Extremely Happy couples have broken up, some of them are staying together "for the children" but it's clearly unhealthy, some have cheated, etc.

I'm still single, but a lot happier about it! I decided to take a break and deliberately not date anyone. Take off the pressure. Stop bothering with social media - or follow more interesting pages/people, not families and couples. Just have fun, make new friends who are also single and in their 30s, try new hobbies. I took up a martial art to let off steam and punch things when I feel angry. Got two cats who make me feel very loved. Of my fellow single and/or childless friends, those with pets seem to be happiest.

The problem with your post is that by giving such a detailed breakdown of your issues with dating, you've invited posters to seize on the irrelevancies - married men trying it on sometimes/poor mental health stemming from years of crap relationship experiences/tall poppy syndrome because you're deemed too attractive etc - which are part of the jigsaw puzzle but only very minor pieces. Really you need a good friend/ therapist who can put the sum of the parts together and come up with some answers and a strategy for rebuilding your confidence. It's a problem I find on aibu threads - you can get some great advice but mention anxiety or an uncaring parent figure in passing for instance, and this will be seized upon and denoted as the actual underlying problem by the armchair psychologist , when the real issue you've come for help for, gets ignored or overlooked. I think the posters I would be listening to OP are those who've been through very similar themselves. It's absolutely ok to be pissed at the unfairness of the world and how it's panned out for you - nothing wrong to show a little anger, it's healthy. There is no need to pathologise all human experiences.

I did like to think I was kind, attentive and listened . They also told me this! I just don't know.

OP. You need to root out those who are just there for the shagging. This will be most of them probably but you only need to find one fella.

1. You’re only dating people who are under 30, am I right? Lose that for a start. You’re 33. You should be looking up to 48.
2. Pay for dating agency. Also roots out chaff.
3. Are you putting too many criteria in? Paying too much attention to looks etc? Do your photos have any depth to them? Does your personality come across on the blurb? Get a friend to read it over…. So that it’s an honest reflection of who you are.
4. Read other profiles with a critical eye and avoid all the obvious things to look out for like liking a challenge and all that stuff. Photos with beer and groups of mates. Bin.
5. Get swiping but no dating and absolutely no sex unless you know there’s something there like a month or so because that quickly roots out the shaggers.

I would also try and do activities rather than drinks etc on a first date. Less pressure.

You’re not desperate, you sound angry and sone of the replies you had make me see why you might be. Good luck ♥️

Would it be worth trying out any agencies which cover the North-West?

These do:

https://www.selectservices.co.uk/

https://www.muddymatches.co.uk/

https://countrypartners.co.uk/

I earn more than most men I've dated, and majority didn't own their own home etc.
I couldn't care less if they're a mechanic or not, I'm not looking for a wealthy man.

Check out the good mood clinic podcast on Spotify, it’s run by a couple of clinical psychologists and they do a lot of work on exactly the dynamic you are talking about. It’s a bit cheesy but its good quality content and may help you make sense of what’s going on for you

Why does the OP need to look 'up to 48'? Up to 40 would be reasonable, but nearly 50 is not imo.