To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

[Iwilldrawjapan]

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

It is most likely true, though! I don't see how truth is unhelpful to the OP. The truth is not always politically correct.

100% this.

@Iwilldrawjapan you said 'a lot of people seem to find their 'person' and it's just all so wonderful.'

Most relationships aren't like that even reasonably happy ones! And if you have kids, maintaining a relationship is hard work. And kids are hard work.

I miss my single life (I mostly really enjoyed being single). I miss my hobbies. I miss time alone (something I really didn't realise how much I needed until I had a child). I feel like I've lost a lot of what made me me since becoming a mum and I'm still working through this.

My point is not to say I have it rougher than you, but to say we've all got our challenges in life and I don't think it will serve you well to keep this narrative that other people are all just merrily skipping about in their happy families with their 'person'. Which is back to what @curious79 said that "every choice and life path has its pluses and has its minuses."

I also think you need to find a way to find peace with being single. I've seen with some friends where not doing so has led to very poor decision-making re men and relationships.

Op. Desperate isn’t an insult.

this is the definition;

desperate
/ˈdɛsp(ə)rət/

adjective

1. feeling or showing a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with.
2. of a person) having a great need or desire for something

do you not feel it applies?

I am not desperate to be with someone, I am just fed up of never being good enough for them.
Most people in relationships aren't absolutely amazing in every way, either, yet their spouses are still crazy about them.

Honestly. We all know men don’t,reject women they think are beautiful, amazing and successful,. If they think that they hang on to them,

I'm not being kind, I'm being honest. There is a lot of tall poppy syndrome on mumsnet, as well. People don't like that other people are richer, more attractive, more intelligent, etc, than they are. People are really putting the boot into the OP because she knows her worth.

Good men don't. Rubbish men do, because those attributes make them feel threatened.

Ok, now we are getting somewhere. So,do,you understand why If,someone isn’t perfect their partner would be crazy about them?

That sounds like you've swallowed the "online dating guru" handbook. Those people's advice is not about finding your perfect match, it's about maximising your numbers so you can find that perfect match through probability.

It's a pretty crap way to go about things; yes, there's often success in there eventually, but there's also a hell of a lot of "feeling shit" along the way, and that's no way to live.

Just as a thought...what are your hobbies, and are there any which involve socialising (eg clubs, teams etc)? Genuine question - have you tried just meeting people along the road of your life and seeing where a developing friendship takes you?

Ok so either:

1. All men have made a silent or tacit pact to date you for a couple of months then dump you - despite the fact you’re ’just like’ the women they then go on to marry OR
2. There’s something (and I’m not speculating on what that it) that puts them off after a handful of dates

Which is more likely?

Sympathies, it’s really tough. I second other posters who have suggested therapy as inner work may be helpful for accepting yourself. While on the surface your posts come across as confident, you also express ideas of needing the validation of having a man see you as the one to prove your worth (which is how many of us are socialised). It also seems like you have been settling for the people you’ve been in relationships with in the past, even though you’ve said you liked them. Maybe you’ve been holding yourself back from people you felt unworthy of? As many people have said, a lot of this is time and chance. Worthiness doesn’t really come into it.

Increasingly I feel that for many men, being ‘good enough for them’ translates to ‘willing to put up with their shit’.

It’s rare and she’s not said she’s dating rubbish men,

Which she is or was.

Referring to the title of your thread, it doesn't. It really doesn't.

If you think it does, that's the issue right there. Don't put the power of YOUR future into anyone else's hands.

I understand the longing because I have had terrible luck with men. I've never been in one relationship where I've experienced the connection I wanted. But I'm not going to spend my life waiting for it because the sad fact is not everyone meets the lid of their pot. It's literally 'pot luck' like having healthy children, parents that die at a good age, having good health, a job, and everything else.

I know it's sad when you can't find what you want. But I think some degree of acceptance is important here. Not meaning to sound trite, but you can find fulfilment in other ways, and in doing so you are more likely to attract people later on. Men don't guarantee happiness no matter what you've seen around you. They often make life a lot more difficult. There's a lot of good in being single. You might not like it, but it's the situation you're in now, so try to find the good, and focus on making your life the way you want it despite not having a relationship.

She hasn't said so, but that doesn't mean she wasn't. I feel that we are talking past each other here. I think she is semi -consciously setting her bar too low and then getting these mediocre people who then disappoint her. It's like the old joke about the dinner party: 'how was the food'? ''Awful and there wasn't enough of it''.

Take it from someone who plays for the other side - believe me, the same goes for women in spades, it's just rare that we admit it ;)

@Iwilldrawjapan You've mentioned a few times that you wouldn't feel so bad if other people around you were single - so maybe a different tribe of friends would help you feel less alone with this?

You can't control who you meet romantically, but you can put yourself in the way of finding friends and tribes that might be more supportive of a different way of life than you have at the moment, which might shift things for you.

I'm mid 40s, and relationship status has never been an issue amongst various tribes of friends - some singles, some couples, very few married, but people flow in and out of relationships over the years and it really doesn't affect anything amongst our friendship groups, so maybe you'd find something like that more accepting and less stressful?

It works the other way too - you have to decide whether the bloke in question is good enough too.
I didn't meet my husband til I was 39. And I do look at friends who met their partners early to mid 20s and wonder if that hasn't given them security and confidence that I didn't develop til much later. It's like a club that you just can't get in to, and you get a few sympathetic looks (even if their marriage is crap).
But those Insta and FB posts are the best front. That fab pic of daddy, mummy and junior at the side of a pool all smiles on holiday when minutes before junior was screaming about having to wear a hat, mum was blaming dad for forgetting the sunscreen in the room, daddy already wondering how soon he can scarper to the bar....
Of course there are genuinely happy families enjoying their company and happy singles, who are enjoying their freedom.
It is luck, circumstances, opportunity, and willingness. You can't be angry about it though. Our life doesn't always work out they way we thought it would and that can be a bitter pill. A relative told me, after I got married to a well earning man and got pregnant at 40, that I 'had landed on my feet'. Except my husband died when our kids were 4 and 6. Our life since then has been very different and hard.
I suggest you get some therapy and work through it all.

I used to be quite confident, I had absolutely no issues in asking out men/telling them I liked them and so on, but not anymore.
There's no solution other than to just wait and try to be happier.
A lot of people do seem to understand. It's not that I must have someone at all costs, it's that I'm wondering why I am not right for any of these men, over the last 12 years.
Anyway there's probably not much more to say but I appreciate the answers and I'll keep reading through them.

Op can you answer this, I’m trying to get you to see if you understand or not why it is happening.

I'm very lucky in my life in most other ways, and fortunate. I just feel left out. It's horrible going to weddings etc as the only single person.

I feel similar to this really.

I can find a partner.. but whenever I get into a relationship there are always issues that I cannot fathom having to put up with - and I'm not one of those people who just ignores every single red flag, either. I just always end up some variety of negative emotion, spanning from unfulfilled to downright miserable.

I also cannot think of a friend or family member whose relationship I would have if I could - there are always big issues in those too. Disrespect, cheating, treating the woman like a maid, lack of sex, no effort shown by the man in terms of quality time etc. I actually think cohabitation/marriage is probably very overrated in the majority of cases, and I haven't met a man in years who I thought could add anything to my life.

Problem is every single one of my long term friends are settling down, and whenever we meet up all they want to talk about is engagements/babies/house renovations/couples holidays. I feel very 'left behind' (even though I wouldn't want their partners).

Older family members asking 'do you have a boyfriend yet?'. It seems that's far more important than any one of my achievements now I'm older than 25.

I want kids, and in this day and age affording kids alone via sperm donor is a pipe dream.
I can't even afford to live alone as a single - it has to be flatmates, and random strangers at that as I have zero single friends.

So it's on the merry go round of dating ad infinitum

Don't take the negative answers to heart, OP. As soon as you mentioned that you were attractive and successful, I could have told you how a good number of responses would go. A lot of people on here when HATE women say unapologetically that we are attractive and we know it. Don't let people on here let you think that doesn't count in life. It most certainly does. If you want to DM me at any point, feel free. I'm happy to be a listening ear.

it's that I'm wondering why I am not right for any of these men, over the last 12 yearsi

If they were all right for you, you couldn't have been being very particular or critical (?)

Could "I want to settle down and anyone - within reason - will do", be a dynamic that contributed to them ending the relationship?