To be devastated with mum's reaction/emotional blackmail which basically means my children can never have a pet?

[MrsPuddleduck]

Bascially, after a lot of thought we decided to get a kitten. My friend's cat has had kittens so we know the mother's temperament etc and both boys like cats. My Mum hates cats so I had put off telling her because I knew I would have a lecture.

Basically my Dad had a heart attack three years ago and a triple bypass three years ago. He is allergic to cats. My Mum says that if we get the cat they will have to seriously restrict the amount of times they come and the length of time they stay and how much help they can give us with the Dc's. They will not be able to stay overnight anymore (they live about 15 mins away but stay over about 4 times a year so they can both have a drink eg Christmas).

My parents are the only 'help' we get and I really don't want to upset them but on the other hand it basically means our children can never have a pet.

I feel really upset about the whole thing, especially as we had told Ds1 (4 and a half) that we were getting the kitten and he has named him George. I tried to suggest this morning that we may not be able to get the kitten after all and he started to get het up about it so I dropped the subject.

Can you please let me have your honest opinions. Sorry its a bit long.

This might be of no help but I'm a vet and also have a cat allergy. I'm much better now but I used to take once daily cetirizine which is non-drowsy and fixed the problem pretty much instantly. Also, it's usually the particles of dried saliva in the coat which people are allergic to, not the hairs, so wiping a damp cloth over the animal's coat several times a day and being religious with a good hoover (Miele Cat and Dog with allergy filter is my recommendation!) can make an enormous difference.

I'm surprised at your choice of pet given that you knew your dad had an allergy, especially since your parents visits are obviously so important to you. Maybe the above will help, but I do think YABU to be upset with them.

By the way, I have a cat myself and live with it just fine - apart from the occasional asthmatic wheeze, for which i have an inhaler, it's totally doable. Obviously your dad's allergy may be more severe.

I'm allergic to cats (no other animal, it would seem) and it IS a horribly uncomfortable reaction, nothing dangerous but not something you want to suffer - wheezing, tight chest, itchy skin, watery, red, painful eyes, runny nose, constant sneezing and very irritated mouth and throat.

You made a mistake in assuming the allergy was not a big enough issue t affect your Dad. So now you have to sort it out with your DC.

And if he has this reaction to all fur then no furry pets. Maybe a lizard?

Some allergies can't be completely controlled by drugs though, and it would be unreasonable to expect anyone to take drugs in order to visit you

I'm allergic to cats, mil has 4 so we never go there.

I also have friends that I can't visit for long because of the allery.

I have asthma as well so I can imagine what it would do to a man who has had a triple bi pass.

I'm sorry but I think that YABU and if you want a cat that badly get one and then you know that you have to go and see your parents

Hm, have you ever had an allergy yourself? Perhaps you don't understand quite how horrible it can be. I am allergic to dogs and my parents would take me to houses where there were dogs to be polite. I would get weezy and breathless, but my parents were too polite to give me my inhaler as it would make the dog owner feel bad. I was so scared that I would not be able to breath at all. My eyes, nose and palate would become unbearably itchy and it was basically hell (no exageration). Antihistamines would help a little, but they certainly weren't a magic bullet. And I was a generally healthy teenager.
If I was your Dad and I had health problems already I would be very hurt by your decision to get an animal that I was allergic to. There are an awful lot of animals that he's not allergic to! And putting the cat out won't help at all, the hair and allergens will be all over your house.
Is there really no other pet that you can get?

It would be especially unreasonable to expect a man who's recently had major heart surgery and is presumably on a lot of prescription medication already to take more drugs in order to visit you.

Agree MP. I spent many years having to take drugs in order to visit my mother. She is VERY unreasonable

Thanks for all the responses. I know what I need to do now.

I do feel really bad now a) that I (stupidly) didn't think it would be that much of a problem and that we could put the cat out when they came around and b) that I went ahead and told DS.

I think I have been upset because I have been put in a lose lose situation (which is my own doing).

I had to post here as DH thinks they are treating me like a child and that we should get the cat anyway and deep down I know this is not really the right attitude.

I know I will be able to 'bribe' Ds1 with something else and I adore my Dad so there's no question.

I don't think that you can afford to ignore the allergy.

My son is allergic to cats and dogs. We stayed with dh's aunt who has a dog in the summer. Ds had in the most awful asthma attack....in spite of us giving him steroids and antihistamines before we went and using his blue inhaler while we were there. It took him te better part of 2 weeks to get over it

Staying in a house with a cat on a regular basis would hospitalise him. Simply being in the car with someone who has a cat gave him an attack not that long ago, and trust me we take all te precautions.

It is a cat vs your df's health, bit of a no-brainer IMHO

I would say to your son that re the kitten, the kitten has found out that it would make his grandad poorly so the kitten has decided it is better for him not to come and live at your house but he has a friend Mr Guinea Pig, who would love to live at your house instead, how about that?

then make a big hoohar re buying a cage and all the crap for the cage

(Disclaimer: they have guinea pigs at dd2's playgroup and imo they stink. So keep that in mind! . I am a Pet Hater however so feel free to ignore)

A goldfish?

also, parental/inlaw help is worth its weight in gold imo, so not worth mucking up

Rats are better pets for small children than guinea pigs.....

Yeah, it will be tough telling your DS

Sorry, I was pretty rough on you. Sometimes in a mother-daughter battle of wills it can be easy to the larger point.

You have to be careful with rats though, as they can also trigger allergies. we can't have rats because dh is wildly allergic to them! (good pets rats)

Why on earth did you get a kitten? What were you thinking about? Your poor father. You will have to get rid asap.

They probably do treat you like a child and are generally unreasonable, it's just that in this case they happen to be right for once.
Like I said, that's the main misconception that I came across - that when the animal isn't around, the allergy isn't a problem. Lots of people don't realise about the allergens sticking around (they really are very sticky - I've sometimes struggled in a house that used to have a pet, even when it's been thoroughly cleaned).
Glad that things are going to be sorted out though.

They haven't got the kitten yet, Kitty.

lol uberalice, my first thought on reading OP was also "get a goldfish".

on a more mature note - reading between the lines, sounds like you have issues with feeling your mum is manipulating you in general. so possibly as other posters have said, best to find other help anyway. But on this issue I agree with the other ladies that allergies can be quite unpleasant, so your mum and dad are not being unreasonable to not want to risk it.

Our guinea pigs are fragrant little beasts.