To think I threw away a perfectly good relationship

[youreeyeswithoutaface]

of just under 4 years, and I have to live with my mistake now. It's a lesson learned anyway, I'll try to be a little more patient next time.
I'm 33, and my ex partner is 29, a few months off 30. I left before Christmas as he was reluctant about any sort of commitment and he didn't seem to be 100% sure about me, which hurt.
I just wish I'd waited longer and not given into societal pressures, or panicked about my age as I do still have time.

I believe he did love me, he had autism and ADHD and hadn't been in steady employment for a while as well as suffering with his mental health, so I did whatever I could to support him.

I had previously brought up the subject a year ago, and he wasn't ready. I brought it up again 6 months later, admittedly I was starting to get frustrated. lived with him for 3 years.

I've no interest whatsoever in an expensive ring or wedding, I was more than happy with a registry office. my parents offered to pay for a reception which was very nice of him but the point was that even with these things mentioned, he wasn't interested.
I wasn't saying we had to get married immediately, but I wanted to know if it could come in the next couple of years.
I explained that ideally I'd like to have a child in the next couple of years because of my age, but looking back, I have longer than expected.
I couldn't get a firm answer on any of the above, he kept changing his mind about wanting to get engaged, about 3 or 4 times. it was clear he wasn't ready.
He said it was so final, none of his friends were married and it was like the end of his youth.

He felt he wasn't in a stable financial situation which I do understand, particularly re the children, but it doesn't have to cost anything to be engaged and we could've sorted a small wedding.

ok I thought, maybe I can wait a bit longer. I asked him if I was the one for him and he said he thought so? didn't say yeah of course.
I asked him if he could see himself with me in a few years and he couldn't answer it.

I left. I just went to my parents for a bit to get some space, thinking we might work things out. it wasn't a this is over forever, I just told him there's no point coming back right away as nothing could change.

He didn't seem surprised and told me he wants the above but is scared of responsibility. I did express a lot of remorse to him back in January and say that I still wanted to sort things out. I asked him if he wanted me to come back and he said he couldn't answer it.

so I did try to sort things out fairly soon after. he said he thinks he's put me in a difficult position, I told him I wasn't blaming him at all and he was entitled to not want these things.

we've actually been in touch constantly and are on great terms, just feel like I threw something great away. I should've been more patient and just given it at least another year or two, but it's too late. With hindsight, I'd rather just be with him, the rest doesn't matter.

Does it sound like I was an idiot? also, because of his job situation I paid more of the rent, which put a strain on because I couldn't afford it. However I have a better paid job now and I hoped it would change things.
I'm still supporting him with stuff. breaks seem to work for some but not for me, apparently his Mum and sister hate me, which hurts because I thought we got on really well.
I was an idiot who panicked and compared myself to others.

You totally bent yourself out of shape for a man you likely you would be supporting financially and otherwise for ever.
I bet his mother and sister are pissed with you, now that they have him to carry again.
You were not well matched.
Why would you think he would make a good life partner?
A goid father?
Get some therapy to help you figure out why you would want to settle for so little.
Try to move on.

Are you still paying towards where you rented?

You need to go no contact with him.

From your post, it definitely sounds like you made the right decision.

Would you be saying this if you were, say 27 or 29? Or would you be eagerly looking forward to the future, going out / online, looking for someone new?

You can love someone and leave them because they don't have the same vision of the future as you.

TBH his responses aren't exactly heart warming - he isn't sure if he wants to be with you - nice! Is that really someone you want to spend your life with?

Maybe you'd have worn him down in a few years time and he would move forward, albeit reluctantly, with marriage, kid etc. Then left you later as a single parent with 2 or 3 kids to raise alone, seen them twice a month or whatever.

You made the right decision. Cut contact and move on.

It’s not, you know. You were settling for a loser who wasn’t that into you. Fortunately for you, he didn’t know what side his bread was buttered.

Have therapy. Find out why your self-esteem is so low that you think you should have wasted even more years on an unemployed 29 year old with MH issues whom you had to support financially, and who regarded the idea of committing to you as some kind of life sentence of ‘responsibility’.

I don’t know whether it’s more depressing you wasted years of your life on someone who wasn’t into you, or that you’re sorry you saw sense and left him.

Don’t date again till you’ve figured out why you stayed with him as long as you did. Next time, find someone who is a functioning adult who is excited by the idea of a life with you, and thrilled by his good luck.

You threw away a dead-end situationship with a man who wouldn’t commit, and would have been a dreadful, halfhearted husband and a disastrous father. It was nothing that resembled a ‘good relationship’.

My friend was in a situation like this for 12 years. She is now 42. He is still not committing. What do you think she should have done 8 years ago?. She is on depressants because of it.
If she could go back to being your age she would -and end it.

That’s a form of emotional blackmail - whether he means it or not.

I was in a relationship like this, the difference is that we had a kid and he still relied on my financially. And no matter how much I helped him get a job he didn’t take it. The whole “you can bring a horse to water” scenario.

We split up and for a long time I thought that it was my only chance - especially as I’d ruined my family. But years later I’m so glad I was out. He hasn’t improved and his mum is constantly telling me how much help he needs.

Of course I feel for him but not my problem. If we cannot help eachother out it’s not a relationship.

m Just sharing to highlight that it’s emotionally hard and I can see why you want to help but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your life and happiness x

I’m ND and admittedly coasted in relationships and didn’t commit to anyone for twenty years. I regretfully had long relationships and even a marriage where I was just going along with things. I wasn’t committed emotionally and knew they had shortish shelf life but it was just easier to go with it.
I met my DH and committed in every way, I know it’s hard to hear but in reality I just hadn’t met anyone who made me want to fully commit in a real way not just on paper, living together within nine months, talking marriage and house purchasing within the year with a clear plan and timeline for those things to happen, we both saw our future together and made it happen.
This isn’t the one for you, you deserve someone who is all in with you, a proper team, mutual support , equality and where you find everything is just nicer and better being together.

You'd been a couple for almost four years, lived together for three of those years, and despite all that he couldn't bring himself to make any level of commitment to you.

You did NOT throw away "a perfectly good relationship". You stepped back from an unfulfilling relationship where you were, frankly, being used. All your posts are screaming 'poor self-esteem' at me, for you to have persisted trying to make this relationship work for so long. THAT is what you have to work on - your view of yourself. How did it come to this, that you value yourself so little?

"I'm still supporting him with stuff."
You need to knock that on the head. It's keeping you emotionally attached to a wholly unsuitable man. Detach, free yourself up to engage emotionally with someone else.

Thank you everyone. Please don't think it's a wind up post or that I'm ignoring replies, I'm really not.
Im just accepting that he didn't ever want to be tied down to me.

Surely the fact that people think it might be a wind-up post tells you something. There is literally nothing in all your posts that make it sound like a good relationship. You need to stop with all the contact or you will never move on from wallowing in some fantasy nostalgia. I’m sorry OP

You definitely made the right choice! 100%! Time to block, delete and move on!

He said to me .. "I know you want to sort things out but I really don't know what to say, I'm having such a shit time in my life and can't imagine a future for myself." This was a few weeks ago.

You seem to be blaming yourself, try and stop. This guy was no prince!

YABU
It was the right decision.
Stop messaging him and move on.

He is a man child who won’t hold down a job, commit & is using his mum/sister to make you feel crap.
honestly if you had a child with him you would be raising the child & him.

You left for a reason. The reason hasn't changed you're just talking yourself out of it.
Put this behind you, it's done now.
Focus on getting what you really want and not learning to live with what someone else really wants.

Put a baby in the mix.

Please raise your standards. You were a convenience to this loser, not the love of his life. You'd be better off going it alone than staying with someone who sponges off you and shows zero commitment even after 4 years.

You get back together and he still won't commit, so how long do you go along with what he wants and subjugate your own wants and needs?

Stop contact and get on with your life.

Sometimes love isn't enough and this is definitely one of those times.

You may love him and miss him but that doesn't necessarily mean he's the right partner for you. He's telling you honestly that he's not ready for such a commitment and in fact is just struggling with adulting. He's not ready to share the load as a partner and even less so a parent.

He may also struggle to perceive a future. Some people can't.

I think you need to create room in your life for someone new and the family you are seeking. Let him go.

OP I was in a similar situation years ago. I'm actually ashamed of having stayed that long in a dead-end relationship with such a tosser so I won't tell details 😁. Oh and I was a year older than you are when I left. So anyway, 8-9 months after I left I met a wonderful guy who adores me. He wanted to commit and he did, we started trying for a baby 18 months after we got together (even though he was 27 y. o. at that time) and we are now also married with a child.
You made the right choice breaking up with him. Your current feelings are the denial/bargaining stage of grief for that relationship, and panic about your age/ biological clock.

Focus on moving on. You deserve so much better than him.

Cant see where the relationship was heading, it had stagnated and the way ahead was not obvious. You have made the right decision, draw a line under it and move on.

After that amount of time he would have known one way or another so he was just wasting your time which is cruel. You made the right decision.

Sorry @youreeyeswithoutaface were literally a meal ticket!
His family are angry as his easy ride has been taken away and maybe now they are having to support him more.

What about you ? You need to walk away and think about making you happy instead of sacrificing yourself and dreams and giving up a lot of your needs for some man who doesn’t really give a damn.

You and any future child deserve more.

So things haven’t moved on since the last time you posted about this. Or the time before that. Or the time before that. Of course you are absolutely free to post as many times as you want but RTFT you are getting the same answers again from people. Which means the advice is clearly not getting through to you because you’re back again. I think you need professional counselling to help you come to terms with this relationship ending, otherwise you are going to suddenly look up one day and realise years have passed with you dwelling on him while he has moved on.