To think I threw away a perfectly good relationship

[youreeyeswithoutaface]

of just under 4 years, and I have to live with my mistake now. It's a lesson learned anyway, I'll try to be a little more patient next time.
I'm 33, and my ex partner is 29, a few months off 30. I left before Christmas as he was reluctant about any sort of commitment and he didn't seem to be 100% sure about me, which hurt.
I just wish I'd waited longer and not given into societal pressures, or panicked about my age as I do still have time.

I believe he did love me, he had autism and ADHD and hadn't been in steady employment for a while as well as suffering with his mental health, so I did whatever I could to support him.

I had previously brought up the subject a year ago, and he wasn't ready. I brought it up again 6 months later, admittedly I was starting to get frustrated. lived with him for 3 years.

I've no interest whatsoever in an expensive ring or wedding, I was more than happy with a registry office. my parents offered to pay for a reception which was very nice of him but the point was that even with these things mentioned, he wasn't interested.
I wasn't saying we had to get married immediately, but I wanted to know if it could come in the next couple of years.
I explained that ideally I'd like to have a child in the next couple of years because of my age, but looking back, I have longer than expected.
I couldn't get a firm answer on any of the above, he kept changing his mind about wanting to get engaged, about 3 or 4 times. it was clear he wasn't ready.
He said it was so final, none of his friends were married and it was like the end of his youth.

He felt he wasn't in a stable financial situation which I do understand, particularly re the children, but it doesn't have to cost anything to be engaged and we could've sorted a small wedding.

ok I thought, maybe I can wait a bit longer. I asked him if I was the one for him and he said he thought so? didn't say yeah of course.
I asked him if he could see himself with me in a few years and he couldn't answer it.

I left. I just went to my parents for a bit to get some space, thinking we might work things out. it wasn't a this is over forever, I just told him there's no point coming back right away as nothing could change.

He didn't seem surprised and told me he wants the above but is scared of responsibility. I did express a lot of remorse to him back in January and say that I still wanted to sort things out. I asked him if he wanted me to come back and he said he couldn't answer it.

so I did try to sort things out fairly soon after. he said he thinks he's put me in a difficult position, I told him I wasn't blaming him at all and he was entitled to not want these things.

we've actually been in touch constantly and are on great terms, just feel like I threw something great away. I should've been more patient and just given it at least another year or two, but it's too late. With hindsight, I'd rather just be with him, the rest doesn't matter.

Does it sound like I was an idiot? also, because of his job situation I paid more of the rent, which put a strain on because I couldn't afford it. However I have a better paid job now and I hoped it would change things.
I'm still supporting him with stuff. breaks seem to work for some but not for me, apparently his Mum and sister hate me, which hurts because I thought we got on really well.
I was an idiot who panicked and compared myself to others.

From reading your initial post, it wasn’t a “perfectly good relationship” at all, as you were doing far too much compromising, and you seemed to have far more to offer than he did. I hope you meet someone who’ll be a proper “partner” to you, and you’ll realise that you had a lucky escape from this “relationship” .
Don’t waste any more time thinking “what if” or wondering if you’ve made a mistake. Onwards and upwards!

Edited to add-you are hoping to have a family. From your description of him, he would be worse than useless as a parent. You’d probably be left doing absolutely everything.

Fucking hell, he sounds like an absolute crumpet.

You haven't made a mistake, I think the problem you have is that you're in constant contact and it won't help you move forward.
He won't commit or give you what you need that's everything you need to know.

You've wasted enough time don't waste anymore, life's too short.

You 100% did the right thing. He did not have to have a job to tell you he wanted to be with you forever. He would have squandered your child bearing years, it doesn't sound like he was that into you as he let it go - when you left he could have begged you to come back. He didn't.

His mother and sister don't have to be your friend if you have broken up. Hold your head up and get on with your life knowing you made the right choice. You deserve better that someone who can't commit after close to 4 years.

Yeah. And he might not have been 'ready' in another decade when you were 43 and had thrown away your child bearing chances.

Move on. Stop agonising about him, he was a time waster. And no great catch if you are honest! ADHD, Autism, MH issues, 'not sure about you' and no steady job. That's not Mr Right.

As long as you are still mooning through rose coloured spectacles at this one - who is never going to be the husband you want - you are missing out on life. You've done the difficult bit by ending the relationship and you've wasted enough of your life on someone who was wrong for you. Now get out there and start living. It's your own time you are wasting (as teachers used to tell you)

I just can't imagine what you think a bad relationship is if you think a man you have to support because he can't stay employed and has been stringing you along for years is "perfectly good". It was never going to turn out any better and you should cut contact with this loser and look for somebody decent. There is no point in being in constant contact with some dopey ex and his family (who at least have enough sense not to drag out the agony with you). My husband proposed within the year, we chose the ring together and he went through a religious ceremony because it was important to me. He agreed to have children because it was important for me. I did earn more but he always paid his half of the joint expenses and he has been a great dad. He has always been strong during difficult times.

I thought so too and then I wondered whether this is a genuine post because, the more that is being revealed by the OP, the harder it is to believe that anyone would find themselves in a dilemma over this.

Holy shit OP you have dodged a massive bullet. Do you really want to spend your life bankrolling a man who doesn’t love you because you don’t cook from scratch enough!!
And I can imagine why his family are disappointed. No one else is going to take on this loser.

He was never going to be ready for the type of life that you want.

You absolutely did the right thing.

Is this for real OP?

Being with someone who won't commit to you is going to erode your self esteem and confidence. No wonder you think you can do no better than this time waster.

Then there's the old sunken costs fallacy.

Walk away, cut ties and then hopefully you can move on.

It doesn't sound like a great relationship, you did the right thing ending it, and truthfully he doesn't sound like much of a prize even if he was desperate to marry you as opposed to openly unwilling.

You can do better and I can actually say that with certainty without even knowing you, because he just sounds rubbish.

If he wasn't sure after 4 years, he wasn't the one. It's not supposed to be that difficult...

Part of me feels like he just isn't/wasn't ready because of being ND and not earning enough. He felt he couldn't provide for me.
I just wanted something, anything. Even an engagement with a view to a wedding in a few years from now.
He's friends with a couple who are both 30, together 5 years, own together but not engaged, though maybe they know it's definitely on the agenda.

Sometimes he'd say he does want to marry me/be a father but I felt like he wasn't genuine.

Oh and stop seeing him and letting him waste more of your time. Cut line and move on and don't even discuss that with him - just a message to say you don't want to stay in touch and then block him.

Yes, The OP has asked for advice but is ignoring the responses as they are not agreeing with her.

I'm sorry, but the OP sounds a little unhinged, believing the ex was great and that if only she tried a bit harder, everything will turn out okay in the end.

Seriously OP, if you want to carry on deluding yourself, go ahead but stop wasting our time with each subsequent nonsensical post.

No it isn't a joke post, why would it be. I've honestly been very depressed about this. He doesn't sound great on paper but it's different when you've spent years with someone.

Please read back everything you are saying about him, it’s mainly negative.

you need to break contact, he wasn’t sure if he could see a future with you and didn’t want the commitment of engagement and marriage.

you deserve better, by being in contact you can’t move forward. Always move forward, never go back.

Can you start by not speaking to this guy at all for a week or two? Go no contact, at least temporarily, and see how you feel. I think you might be surprised.

OP what do you think about the fact that 100 percent of the posts on here are totally clear that you did the right thing. What do you think about that?

Why would you even want to be with someone who, after 4 years, doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want to have children with you, and doesn't see a future with you?

You want to blame his ND for this, but this has nothing to do with being ND. He just doesn't feel that way about you. You really need to walk away from him and focus on your own future. Keeping him in your life is only holding you back. Believe me, your 30s will be gone in a flash. You don't have time to pine over someone who doesn't want a life with you.

You did the right thing. I stayed in a relationship like this for a decade and nearly missed out on what I wanted. When you know, you know. Don’t let his fear of commitment make you doubt you’re entitled to be with someone who wants the same things as you.

Stop contacting him and block him. If he can’t commit after 4 years he isn’t going to.

Imagine you got back together, it’s another 2 years down the line, but he still can’t commit. How do you feel then? Do you give it another 2 years? 3? 4?

Clean break and move on. Who cares what his mum and sister think, they’re no longer your concern.

You could have been engaged with a haribo ring, if he'd felt that way about you. He could be back with you now, if he felt that way about you. He doesn't. I'm sorry OP, but protect yourself.

You can't see yourself liking anyone else right now because your head is full of him - that's normal for monogamous people. That will change.

No one ends up happy when one has to constantly push the other for commitment.

You wanted these commitments. They are important to you. Now you are wishing you gave them away, to be with him.

In a few years you will want those things again and be pushing. And even if you get them, you will always know it was only because you pushed him. And he will probably resent you for pushing him into it.

I have no idea why you are still supporting him. You aren’t together. You need to create some space and go live a life that’s not revolving round ignoring your needs for his.

a healthy relationship will be meetings both people’s needs.