To think I threw away a perfectly good relationship

[youreeyeswithoutaface]

of just under 4 years, and I have to live with my mistake now. It's a lesson learned anyway, I'll try to be a little more patient next time.
I'm 33, and my ex partner is 29, a few months off 30. I left before Christmas as he was reluctant about any sort of commitment and he didn't seem to be 100% sure about me, which hurt.
I just wish I'd waited longer and not given into societal pressures, or panicked about my age as I do still have time.

I believe he did love me, he had autism and ADHD and hadn't been in steady employment for a while as well as suffering with his mental health, so I did whatever I could to support him.

I had previously brought up the subject a year ago, and he wasn't ready. I brought it up again 6 months later, admittedly I was starting to get frustrated. lived with him for 3 years.

I've no interest whatsoever in an expensive ring or wedding, I was more than happy with a registry office. my parents offered to pay for a reception which was very nice of him but the point was that even with these things mentioned, he wasn't interested.
I wasn't saying we had to get married immediately, but I wanted to know if it could come in the next couple of years.
I explained that ideally I'd like to have a child in the next couple of years because of my age, but looking back, I have longer than expected.
I couldn't get a firm answer on any of the above, he kept changing his mind about wanting to get engaged, about 3 or 4 times. it was clear he wasn't ready.
He said it was so final, none of his friends were married and it was like the end of his youth.

He felt he wasn't in a stable financial situation which I do understand, particularly re the children, but it doesn't have to cost anything to be engaged and we could've sorted a small wedding.

ok I thought, maybe I can wait a bit longer. I asked him if I was the one for him and he said he thought so? didn't say yeah of course.
I asked him if he could see himself with me in a few years and he couldn't answer it.

I left. I just went to my parents for a bit to get some space, thinking we might work things out. it wasn't a this is over forever, I just told him there's no point coming back right away as nothing could change.

He didn't seem surprised and told me he wants the above but is scared of responsibility. I did express a lot of remorse to him back in January and say that I still wanted to sort things out. I asked him if he wanted me to come back and he said he couldn't answer it.

so I did try to sort things out fairly soon after. he said he thinks he's put me in a difficult position, I told him I wasn't blaming him at all and he was entitled to not want these things.

we've actually been in touch constantly and are on great terms, just feel like I threw something great away. I should've been more patient and just given it at least another year or two, but it's too late. With hindsight, I'd rather just be with him, the rest doesn't matter.

Does it sound like I was an idiot? also, because of his job situation I paid more of the rent, which put a strain on because I couldn't afford it. However I have a better paid job now and I hoped it would change things.
I'm still supporting him with stuff. breaks seem to work for some but not for me, apparently his Mum and sister hate me, which hurts because I thought we got on really well.
I was an idiot who panicked and compared myself to others.

MATE !!!!! What the fuck are you doing? Why are you obsessed without someone who clearly didn’t give a toss about you and is some lameo anyway! STOP!

I hope this is a troll as really you sound pathetic. He is a loser. You lost him. Well done.

now stop thinking about him and get yourself out into the world. Get a counsellor to work out why you thought this guy was worth it.

onwards and upwards

Oh wake up, OP.

Sorry to be blunt, but the guys not interested.

You are only interested because of your biological clock.

Move on.

He sounds like my ds1 (29) who is also ND. He is currently in full time employment thank goodness but he simply doesn’t have the headspace for anything else. He is the kindest, most gentle and loving person you could ever meet but would be a disaster as a husband or father and, as much as I love him, I don’t think that will ever change. Anyone who takes him on will be carrying him, much as I am now. So, I don’t think you have made a mistake. I think you’ve recognised how it would be and walked away. I think you’ve done the right thing.

You are in stable employment, he has lost several jobs (so I assume has periods if not working) but YOU don't cook from scratch enough?

What is your parents’ relationship like?
What did you see modelled as a child?

For the record I didn't leave at all because he is ND or because of job prospects, I left because he wasn't sure he could see himself with me in a few years nor if I was the one for him. Even looking at houses he was hesitating.

Still not a reason to go back

It sounds like you made the right decision to leave, OP. As hard as it is to hear, if he didn't know after 4 years whether he wanted to be married to you, the answer is he didn't want to be married to you. Don't hang on to fairy tales of women who wait for years for their partner to propose. I'd also consider whether talking every day is stopping you from moving on and meeting someone else. If he's always in your present, he's never going to become your past.

Also I did plenty around the house but he didn't like that food I made wasn't always all from scratch.
Interestingly Mum and sister said at separate points he 'was mean ' to me.

Good grief OP !

He had the bloody cheek to say that you weren't giving him full disclosure on money when it's you that pays the bloody bills for HIM ! 😡

And that you don't bloody skivvy around his every damn whim about bloody cooking from scratch ! 😡

He'd have had a size 5 boot right up his selfish, self serving, ignorant bloody arse from almost ALL women ! (Even the 1050's women expected a wedding and for their men to work and provide the money before they'd have dreamt of providing a man with the 'comforts' your ex expects !!!)

I haven't read the whole thread, just the first half but wow, it's good you pressed pause.

You didn't blow the relationship, you gave him time to see what he wanted and could manage.

Honestly, if you are the higher earner you probably can't afford to have a child with him. The pressure on you to hold things together financially while also being pregnant then having a new born would have been immense. He can't look after himself let alone help you with a child.

And to be very blunt- if he can't decide whether he wants you and a child, you would be almost taking advantage of his vulnerability to push it. That's not fair.

I'm married to someone with autism, it's been tough. And he earns well.

It's nothing to do with rushing things or societal pressures or his neurodiversity. He wasn't sufficiently into you. He wasn't and isn't exactly a catch whereas you are. You deserve better than being someone's 'just in case' option. You need to cut contact and raise your expectations of a partner.

Of course they’re annoyed- they probably breathed a sigh of relief when you took on the responsibility of looking after him. I’m another one who thinks that you will find someone who cares about you and will be only too glad to take on marriage and a family. Good luck.

He sounds like a complete commitment phobe.
If he doesn't want to get engaged after 4 years why on earth would you think he would after 5 or 6?
You'd have been waiting forever.

I think it’s really clear that he was not the one for you OP. Well done for taking that brave and very difficult step of leaving when you did. Now you’ve given yourself a great chance of meeting someone who is very sure about you, and having a chance to have kids with him etc.. I suspect if you had stayed with your ex he would have just dithered away for years and years . You did the right thing! Now try to emotionally detach from him and get yourself into the headspace where you can be open to meeting somebody new. Someone who actually deserves you!

OP, was he the one who told you his mum and sister are angry with you? Frankly, I will take that with a pinch of salt.
I would also be wondering what lies did he tell them to make them angry if they are indeed.
Do they know you support him currently?

Haha - seriously?

Yes, you are throwing away a perfectly good relationship - the one with yourself and the one in the future you’ll never have if you stay with this waste of space.

Oh, and by the way, if you go back to him he’ll know that he can get away with literally anything and there’s no reason for him to ever behave in any different way.

But in the end, if you’re still in the place where you think you would go back to him even after all of the things he’s done (and hasn’t done!) and all of the things we’re saying, then we can’t stop you.

This was not a perfectly good relationship. Do you really want a man to mother forever

I’ll probably get flamed for saying this, but this is like an alcoholic asking whether they should have another drink. Obviously the answer is no, but we can’t stop you. You’ve got to want to have a new life for yourself, not anybody else.

I haven't checked your history but I'm pretty sure you, or someone under very similar circumstances, has posted about this relationship at least twice before. And you were almost unanimously encouraged to end it as he just wasn't that into you from the sounds of it. For the love of God, cut your ties and MOVE ON.

Don’t waste any more of your 30s on an unemployed man who criticises you for not cooking enough and is luke warm about your relationship.

Seriously he sounds like a complete wet blanket.

Put him out of your head and get on with finding the next one.

Sounds like you where a surrogate mum. Find someone more suitable and cut contact.

If a man wanted to. He would. Why waste another 2 years to wait and see?

He will be the same in 5 years. He will be the same in 10 years. He’d rather let you go than marry you ahead of whatever his supposed schedule is — that isn’t someone who is in it til death do you part.

Bloody Nora.

Stop beating yourself up over a selfish, emotionally stunted, immature prick who brought absolutely nothing to the table. Are you really that desperate?

Cut absolutely ALL contact. He doesn’t want you. And you don’t want him. Look for someone who wants the things you want, someone you don’t have to be a parent to.

You can have a baby by yourself if you wanted to.

OP you are not really responding to the comments on here. 100 percent of them are adamant that you made the right decision by ending the relationship. Stop carrying on posting on here just wallowing in regret. You did the right thing! What do you think about that? What are your plans for accepting you did the right thing, and moving on?