To ask you to solve my life issues?

[thelastoftheherriots]

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?

1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.

1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

Firstly do not sell in order to rent. A small flat you own is far more valuable and beneficial than a bedroom of her own. The security is so much more important.

Regarding the bath - how big is your bathroom? Japanese baths are more common now, some are very small. If not, I would just tough it out with a shower, she will be older soon.

With the dog issue, it is sad but I might think about rehoming. Because you can't realistically take the dog a few streets away to wee off lead every night, and a dog walker is a high price.

You are going through a rough period OP but remember, this too shall pass. I agree with @bergamotorange.

Could you move by extending the term of your mortgage?

It does sound tough, but hang in there. I think better times are ahead for you.

Would an underbed storage box, the ones that are about 6 inches deep but reasonably sized base fit in the shower? If so I honestly think that would be easier than a foldable bath and you can just put any bath toys, her toiletries and stuff in it between uses, put the lid on and shove it in a corner or under a bed.

Does borrowmydoggy.com still exist? You might be able to find someone to walk your dog for free of an evening. A friend of mine did this for years - she loved dogs but couldn’t have one of her own.

Re walking the dog in the evening: perhaps see if you can find someone in your neighbourhood who would 'borrow' your dog for a relaxing evening walk to unwind. https://www.borrowmydoggy.com/ matches people who would love to have a dog but are unable to commit to full-time ownership with people who need some help with their dog.

Use a really big baby bath. We only had a shower so my DD used this to nearly 4. It squished in the tiny floor space we had in the bathroom. Filled from the shower head. They don’t need a lot of water.

re: dog. What about borrow my doggy? Or investing in training so he does poo on lead?

Could you install a shub? That’s what my parents had when we were little, it’s big enough for kids.

Could you get a grass pee pad for the dog for use at night and just clean it up straight away?

I would try to hold onto your flat if possible, a couple more of years of paying down the mortgage will put you in a better position to move.

Puppy pads for the dog in the evenings? A sofa bed once your daughter starts to get older? Keep working on her with the shower, my toddler hated it to begin with but now he just gets in with no fuss.
I definitely wouldn't be selling the flat, it's a secure roof over your heads and even if space is tight it's better than being at the mercy of landlords.

Is/are your job/skills portable ? Would your flat afford a small house/maisonette with garden somewhere else for the same money ?

ie flat in London equals a terraced house in Kent ? How is dog cared for when you are working ? Could you save with a remote working job ?

Thanks you, I'll look into a Japanese bath to see if one would fit.

I really don't want to just burn through the capital in my flat if I can help it, I'll try as much as possible to keep it.

The dog is a family member to me, my ex had kept her but was keeping her outside and not looking after her well, I insisted on her back about 6 weeks ago (well I actually took her for a walk and didn't give her back, and dealt with the subsequent agro). I love her so much and she's very happy and settled, it is just the toileting issue. She's super clean in the house and doesn't have accidents. I don't think I could stand rehoming her :( she felt like my only friend when I was pregnant and in the newborn stages, I know it sounds silly but I feel like she got me through and I remember making her a promise that I wouldn't leave her behind.

I understand the emotion around the dog but sometimes we have to prioritise.

You are not leaving her behind if you rehome her properly to someone who can really care for her.

Thank you for all your suggestions, the borrow my doggy idea especially sounds great!

I work from home half the time, my mum lets her out one of the days I'm in the office and the other day she just has to cross her legs ( I put pads down in case but she doesn't use them)

Good shout about a plastic tub for a bath!

I used to bath my youngest in the shower by just bunging up the plughole with a flannel or anything else, filling it from the showerhead and then sitting them in it until the last of the water seeped out. It worked, because they hated having the shower run on their head (and also they could be persuaded to get out once the water had gone, which was better than the others who would have stayed in all day if they could!)

Re sleeping arrangements - could you sleep on a pull out bed in the living room when your toddler needs their own room? ANYTHING is better than leaving and renting, you would never feel secure again, plus finding anywhere to rent with a dog is going to be harder.

As for the dog - I am sure you can work around this. Is there any outdoor space outside the flat where you could 'mock up' some grass? A playpen and puppy pads? Put the dog in the pen, unclip the lead, wait... Do you have a balcony or a bit outside a basement or anything you could use for this?

I'm about to switch to Tesco click and collect arrangement for my grocery shopping to make that easier, so I'm not juggling shopping and toddler as often. I can swing by after nursery pick up, I didn't realise how many products they price matched to the cheapy supermarkets

Thank you, I was thinking her on a pull out bed in the living room but myself is a much better idea!

No space at all for the dog, it's straight out onto the street. It has it's own entrance with a hall area before you come upstairs, that's concrete I've painted. I could potentially adapt that area.

I know you say you have to take the dog a few streets away, but if you took the dog out on a lead just outside and done it repeatedly, would the dog not pick up on what you're doing? I'd give that a shot.

Don't sell, this hard time will pass.

Thank you everyone, especially for talking me out of selling. My gut instinct was telling me it was wrong, but my confidence in my own decision making has taken that much of a kicking recently I feel I need to hear it from others! I've got a valuation booked on Tuesday which I'll phone to cancel.

I just wanted to say absolutely well done for coming so far. I left a man and took my children and a dog. I also had fleeting thoughts of rehoming him but for me it wasn't the right decision. Nothing stays the same for long. Everything got a bit easier with time.

I accepted offers of help, and said yes to things I wouldn't normally have considered.

I wouldn't bother too much about changing things right now. Bath might be nice but if her basic hygiene is met then I'd just stick with that.

With regards to room sharing as she grows, maybe consider having a futon for yourself in the lounge. When she airs to bed you have your own space.

Good luck and please congratulate yourself on how far you have come!

Don't sell!
I agre with the plastic tub for bathing - could you make a little hole in the rim to hang it up out of the way?
How big is your bedroom? When your toddler wants space, could a screen work? Just until you are able to move on to something bigger.

If the worst thing your little one has to deal with is a shower instead of a bath, believe me you're doing a wonderful job! And don't even sweat it if she shares a room with you for years, needs must and this will all pass in time.

I really feel for you. I’ve just come out of an abusive relationship too and am going in circles trying to figure out how to make things work financially.

Definitely keep your flat. My 4 year old also hates showers and has used a baby bath on holiday. The fold up ones are good and you can probably get it on Facebook market place. Then eventually they will be ok with a shower.

It’s all still fairly new. I separated at around the same time as you. Things will get better.

Well done for leaving your abusive relationship. Your daughter is far better off in that small flat with you 👏👏👏

I would be careful about the futon/ sofa bed in the lounge.
I think you deserve a 'proper' bed, and to not do your back in on something you have to fold/unfold every day. Possibly move down a size on your bed ie queen instead of double, and a small bed for your child if you can get both in the bedroom.

Would the value of your flat buy you somewhere bigger in another area?
I would not sell it to rent. The way rent costs are increasing you may struggle to get back on the ladder.
I know it feels shit and hard at the moment, but I just want to tell you that things will get easier. And you have no idea how things might improve in the next few years. I shared a room with my youngest until he was 7 and we were both happy :) Four months is not a long time, you will still be grieving the life you hoped you’d have together, but I promise you will be happier in the peace, safety and calm of your flat than in a 4 bed detached with an abuser.
Wishing you lots of luck (and hope you find solutions to all the little problems) in your fresh start ❤️ x