To ask you to solve my life issues?

[thelastoftheherriots]

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?

1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.

1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

Hi, firstly, congratulations in getting yourself and your wee one out of an abusive situation. You are doing brilliantly. We used a flexible gardening bucket to bath our wee one when we had a tiny shower. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Medium-Flexible-Storage-Container-Polyethylene/dp/B06XQ91XHQ/ref=ascdff_B071WX744C/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=344352605429&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8114168430250038046&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006668&hvtargid=pla-698108437102&psc=1&mcid=93674d5a54673ea0bd66549ec47a20f4&th=1

I would have it valued anyway, it’s always useful to know the worth, just in case something cheaper popped up.

Can your daughter bathe in your kitchen sink? I used to give my kids a bath in the sink all the time when they were little.

Thank you @nadine90 , no it's a cheap area already, and my mortgage term takes me to retirement so I couldn't extend either. I'd have to move to a VERY cheap area, but would be away from my support network and my job (and I do like the days I go into the office and feel like more than just a mum)

Train the dog to wee outside on the lead, in the gutter just outside your front door. Then you don't need to get toddler up. Have a keysafe outside with spare keys just in case........

Even if you got an evening dog walker there's going to be times when dog needs to go so get the wee training done so you don't have to do more than step outside.

Re the dog toileting, does she get a treat when she gets back in? Both mine And my parents dog get a dentastick after their final wee "walk".

Neither dog will toilet in the garden, so we have to walk outside. It's amazing how quick they are at going when then know they're relatively coming home to something nice. We never give dentasticks at any other time (and they love them), and they know that as soon as they've had a wee they can go home for it.

Might take a few weeks to build the association, but worth a try to get the routine before winter?

re ex, can you report him to hmrc for tax evasion? Makes me so cross when people do this!

Thank you,

I did try to toilet train her to go just outside the door, there's no other doors for a good few metres either side so it's definitely doable.

I'll have another go and will incorporate treats and maybe a grass pad.

I agree with others about trying to train your dog to wee on a lead,. But in the mean time do you have any neighbours in your block who would be willing to sit in your flat for ten minutes while you take the dog out?

I could do, but he'd know it was me and would cause all manner of trouble. On the face of it were being very amicable which is better for our daughter, who we need to be able to communicate about. I don't want to rock the boat as we're managing to do that so far.

I WILL however, keep it in my back pocket as a threat in case he causes any crap down the line.

Hi I'm sorry if I'm repeating what someone else has said but I've had these problems too so thought I would comment!

We have an ikea laundry basket which we also use as a bath. It is solid, like I mean it has no holes if that makes sense? It has handles on both ends so you can carry a fair amount of waterm in it when it comes to tipping away. My 4 year old is 110cm tall and still uses it fine. I don't remember how much it cost in2019 but it's still going strong as bath and basket!

A baby carrier works well for cold dog walks, and a sleeping baby needn't wake. A maternity or oversized coat can be closed over a young baby on the front, when the baby gets bigger it might be harder to lift without waking them. However a 3 year old can still be carried in a strong carrier. I had an ergo carrier, it was expensive but very strong and comfortable. It was about 150 pounds in 2019.

Good luck. I'm living without a lot of the material comforts most people have for their children and its definitely fine, they mostly need love and it sounds like you have plenty for your child! Xx

Do not sell! Keep it and be so grateful for your stability and security. It may not feel like it but you are in such a fortunate position and just need to make it work.

I can recommend Cocoon Sofa Beds. I purchased mine with a 0% credit card and paid it off within 2 years. It's not perfect but it's comfy enough to sleep on indefinitely. Get one of those for the lounge and accept the lounge is your bedroom? It's quite nice to fall asleep in front of the tele! Wardrobe and dressing table in the bedroom can be used for both of you. Storage underneath for pillows and bedding during the day.

You have peace of mind now which is priceless, don't ever forget that.

Those big flexi buckets work great to bath kids and don’t use much water either. I used to use one in the shower to quickly wash two small DC at the same time and DD would voluntarily bath in it rather than the big bath until she was about 7!

Thank you so much @Balkanbabies I'll look into the IKEA baskets and the gardening trugs someone else mentioned, the foldable Amazon baths are £64!

And I'll look into the sturdier carriers too. She grew out of her baby one a couple of months ago and I do miss it.

Could you move somewhere cheaper to buy and get a small house with a garden?

Could I shout out for vacuum bags?
Space saving for winter/summer duvets, your winter clothes (expect toddler will out grow in a season) they can slide into a drawer or under a bed, or even on top of kitchen units.

Thank you, good idea! I pick up nice, new looking clothes for dd in the charity shops when I spot a bargain even if they're a couple of sizes up so these would be handy, and for storing our winter coats/blankets.

Have you registered for social housing ? It is a secure tenancy although I wouldn't go for less than a house if I owned my own flat

DS has baths in plastic storage boxes till he was 3 and a bit when we moved house to one with a bath. And when we moved again when he was 8 or 9 the same except it was the biggest I could find. The little ones are really cheap and perfect for a toddler.

Well done for getting away.

We had a little 'raised bed' made of four screwed together planks of wood that we grass seeded in our paved yard, the dog got used to going on that. Takes a bit of maintenance but nothing expensive and it works.

We used one of those garden trugs until DC were 6/7. It used less water than the actual bath. We bought it because it was cheaper than a baby bath, but kept using it because it saved hot water. As the kids got older they liked that they could have deeper water than the real bath. I had to put my foot down about it when they were simply too large to fit in. And now I have to remind them how much they used to hate showers when I catch them just standing stock still under the hot water for months at a time like a lizard on a desert rock.

Don't sell the flat! When DD gets bigger, she can have the bedroom and you can have the living room. As your life continues to flourish, you may in future be able to move somewhere larger.

I think best way to look at your situation is that it's temporary so that way you don't get too overwhelmed.

It took guts to leave him so you should be proud of yourself. It will take time to settle.

You want to keep your dog so maybe see if there's any dog walkers around that are reasonable and might take pressure off of you.

Definitely get a plastic tub or bath for the shower it's perfect for a toddler and she might soon get use to a shower now and then (my boy was same and now loves them)

I don't blame you for wanting a drink but just be careful as it becomes habit and tbh it can worsen your mood the next day. And we've all probably seeked comfort from somewhere food or drink just look at healthier options.

Don't even worry about selling your flat or meeting a man you've just got out of an abusive relationship so focus on you two for now, there's someone out there for everyone theres no rush. And re to your living arrangements don't rush into something you may regret, renting isn't really safe atm.

Good luck op. Itll all work out in the end

Completely understand where you’re coming from! Although he doesn’t need to know it was you. Maybe next tax year would be bad timing, but the years after might work. People get audited all the time, it’s standard. Why the hell should he get away with artificially underpaying cms and short-changing his own child (and why would he want to????!?!!??)

My son has only got a shower and he uses a doggy paddling pool for his girls (5 and 2). They fold up rather than having to inflate every time and he says they're stronger than the blow up paddling pools or the straight edge ones you get for humans

I am thinking about your lonliness.
When you say you have no free time, would you have free time with your child - if you know what I mean?
Wiser heads than mine might be able to work on that.