To ask you to solve my life issues?

[thelastoftheherriots]

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?

1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.

1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

God I bloody love dogs, I hate people who dump them when they have newborns… But your case is so extreme, I honestly wouldn’t blame you. Sometimes you keep them until an owner is found.
Borrow my doggy is good, though if it’s a winter wee😕saying that your little one will walk soon if you can muddle through. I’d happily take the dog out for you, have you any neighbours that might offer? People were fighting to walk mine when I had DD.

Fold up bed? Bit annoying doing it every day though. DD is 8 and she sleeps with me (just saying).

My workplace love the too good to go bags for food- fruit, veg etc

Well done on ditching dirt bag partner OP, you are doing an awesome job you are strong, you got this.

You’ll meet someone when you least expect it, you sound lovely.

Firstly, well done on getting out, OP. It must feel overwhelmingly hard right now, but you did the right thing for you and your DD and you will survive.

In terms of a bath, I bought this to use in a tiny hospital shower for my 8 year old:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Intex-Play-Box-Pool-Colours/dp/B00C6A5OOO/ref=sr_1_3?crid=RD5WDPSSRMOE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.v3pYr3PMX7ZhW3452WbFlyCnwtYtKycotS33124R4OnytuP5qZzy1v2MRiDHdnp-MXxtLrkhLw-J6iA_oEvy-vHI_1TJ__CSiilF_OivMqI351GUi56lHYoQgGDQFJw_9QPFscaVjXKap0UwlhqHQ-rdFgd9mz3BH_oj559LnOt7Bllqmjc2zJkFvaSfE2kNejJTNCmLtogj-64h-se4TlDwE6paT_2_SmG5wda5sL5ggU40sbu35CGqbd5ozqNfawHk6KksxR20ssIal0wBY988FflYOaKSutUkmyMtTIo.RcV-iBHBTeAA7tcSAlx_1Ho12RfFK7cw7qn9-xpGtrs&dib_tag=se&keywords=small+blow+up+square+plastic+pool&qid=1719074879&sprefix=small+blow+up+square+plastic+pool%2Caps%2C91&sr=8-3

It squishes up, so can fit in a remarkably small space when inflated. Also, you don't have to bathe your toddler in the bathroom at all. Put a towel or plastic tablecloth down on the living room floor and bathe her in an inflatable pool (or whatever you decide) there. It's a bit of a faff to empty (a jug and a bucket will be your friend here), but it doesn't take long.

Also, don't worry about sharing a room. Through necessity, I shared a room with my mother until I was 12. Whist I was happy to have my own room later, sharing never bothered me, as it was all I'd ever known. I live in a one bedroom flat now and again, through necessity, share a bedroom with my 8 year old. It's not an issue. If there comes a point when it looks like it's no longer working, address the matter then. Murphy beds have come on a lot, so may be worth considering later.

Could you ask your mortgage lender a short term switch from capital repayments to interest only just to help you out for a few months? Or extend the term to reduce the monthly repayments. I really wouldn't it sell it.

Thank you so much everyone, I was scared to post in AIBU but you've all been so lovely and given me lots to think about.

Just reading through the replies and I feel more optimistic already. A lot of it's just sorting the practicalities isn't it!

Well done for leaving your abusive ex
It takes courage and determination to do that
Do not sell! You'll manage to adapt the space you have
First thought. Could you put something in the plug hole in the shower?
You could put a safety mat down and sit her in the tray?
Would she shower together with you?
You could make it fun with coloured soaps etc
Bed wise.. pull down bed in the lounge eventually, but she'll be fine for years
Under bed storage, shelves or wall mounted storage for DD
Persevere with ddog( I wouldn't rehome mine for anything)
adult incontinence bed pads are more absorbent and work out cheaper.
I would make some sort of raised bed for the courtyard topped with artificial grass, or even plant grass seed if possible and reward when it's used
You're doing so well and you're all DD needs

I lived with my DS in a one bedroom when he was little after a breakup . I made the living room dual purpose so it became my bedroom at night so he could have his own. I had a single bed given to me that we turned into a sofa with big cushions.

We used plastic tub instead of bath for DD for quite a while when she was a toddler. It was a plastic tub from B&Q, nothing fancy, I used it for soaking things as well.
Dont sell. Yes, a bedroom flat with child and dog is very tricky but selling won’t help and you went so far already.
I would think again about rehoming the dog but it might be bad decision for DD. She needs a friend.

I'd not sell to rent, it's dead money and will be nearly impossible to get back in the housing ladder.

I'd look at cheaper areas, extending the term of the mortgage or any of the gov schemes around help to buy etc.

You sound like you're doing really well!

Are you able to post the floorplan of the flat as that always seems to get good ideas on how to use the space?

We also have a shower but no bath, so I bought the biggest bucket I could find from a builder's merchant, and we bathe in that! DD2 was 6 when I bought the house and would scream blue murder if anyone came at her with a shower hose.

We don't have a garden attached to the house, but bought a small patch of land five minutes' walk away so that we would have somewhere to dry the laundry. This wouldn't have been possible when we lived in the UK, so it's probably not a practical suggestion for you. Maybe a heated airer would be good - I meant to get one last winter but I've never seen them for sale over here.

Do you not have a balcony op?

Would Ddog go for something like this?
https://piddlepatch.com/product/piddle-patch/?utm_source=google&utm_campaign=18281198376&utm_medium=ad&utm_content=&utm_term=&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw7NmzBhBLEiwAxrHQ-bgh6fmFV0SaE-ZtWaKRDkiVryVre4Glq_YaB7QhXJ03vOiiwlwhBhoCoSAQAvD_BwE

The only thing I’d add to what others have posted is I believe you can ask child maintenance to investigate into his proper earnings as if he was genuinely on as low an income as he says then he wouldn’t be able to afford his house etc.

Failing that I’d tell him he needs to have your child 50:50 or even full time (you don’t have to mean it/follow through of course) and remind him of the childcare costs and lack of freedom as you simply can’t afford to house, clothe and feed them unless he pays proper maintenance.

Did you contribute to the house you’ve moved away from in any way, and can you get any of it back?

Well done, you’ve come so far already. Definitely don’t sell. If you and your toddler are up fairly early, it might be that you could walk your’s and someone else’s dogs in the morning (if they have to be at work early) and they could then walk your’s with theirs in the evening.

You can go back to CMS and ask for a reconsideration as his declared income to them doesn't match his lifestyle.

Yes eventually report to HMRC, why shouldn't he pay the appropriate tax like most people do!

The Stoke Flexibath is big enough for toddlers and fits in a shower well.
How about a trundle bed that would fit under yours during the day.
And I'm sure borrow my doggie or a local teenager might help with the nighttime wee situation

Well done for getting out of the situation and making the best of it.
This IKEA Torkis basket was used as a baby bath in the base of the shower by my DD until the little one was at least 3!

Also was going to suggest this. I’d definitely be happy to help out if a neighbour was in your situation – my dog goes anywhere outside the house but I sometimes have a friend’s dog and she can’t bring herself to poo unless she’s a fair distance from home. I can’t seem to convince her otherwise, so I feel your pain (although at least she’ll go when she’s on the lead)

My kids still want to sleep in a room with me at 6 and 9 so you've got years to go! When you need more bed space get double with a bunk on top and she can sleep in the bunk.
Collapsible baby bath in the shower- or just get her used to it.
The dog thing I have no idea as I don't have dogs but what is for absolute certain your little one and you will be a million times better living in a single bedsit with a camping stove than living with an Abusive AH so well done. Stay 💪

Thank you I've signed up for borrow my doggy and just waiting to do the final verification steps. My nieces and nephews are just slightly too young to offer the odd paid dog walk too I think (oldest is only just 11)

Thank you, I've fit a double and a cot bed into our bedroom with walking space, it's quite a good size room for a flat, but a double with a single over it is a good Idea for the future. Tbh she ends up in with me most nights (which I love really and will drag out as long as possible, despite her wriggling and starfishing). I've put some really strong tension poles in an alcove that's not wide or deep enough for a wardrobe, but they easily fit her clothes on.

Wondering if I could save to board the loft and put in loft ladders just for extra space for Christmas stuff etc x

She has serious performance anxiety, I have to pretend to look away while she poops, she's a princess of the highest degree.

Find a reliable evening dog walker. I have a dog and know how good they are but perhaps consider rehoming. Find someone who would let you still see your dog and walk them say twice a week with your toddler. I know that’s a difficult idea though. Would your toddler like a parent and child swim class once a week seeing that they like a bath but that’s difficult to sort.

I'm going to try one of these before I splash out on a foldable stokke bath, if it fails at least I'll own a laundry basket like a grown up.

Id be shopping him into HMRC, people who evade tax really fuck me off.