To ask you to solve my life issues?

[thelastoftheherriots]

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?

1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.

1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

Oh and further to my point, you’d then get the child maintenance you’re entitled to… I can’t stand men who get out of paying for their own children.

I'd get a sofa bed in the lounge for yourself. I'd take the shower head of its hook and persevere with it. I'm not sure how you can deal with the dog situation is there a communal garden?

Is it this bath OP? We don't have a normal bath either, just a shower in a tiny room

I ordered it last year & wish I'd bought one a lot sooner! Its brilliant, although depending on your bathroom set up its difficult to drain. The hosepipe that comes with it is naff but the normal hose pipe I have doesnt fit around the drain so I empty by hand. But it also has a drain on the bottom so if you have a shower room or a large enough shower itll be easy.

My DC are 9 and 7 and love it. It's a lot deeper than a normal bath. Had mine nearly a year and it's still in great condition, only time weve ever had a leak is when I forgot to plug it 😅

I know, you're completely right.

1. I'm scared of his reaction
2. I'm soft as shit, and despite everything I still have feelings for him ( or who I thought he was and the potential of what we could've been) which I'm working really hard to sort out in my own head. I'd love therapy to work through it but can't afford it, so am doing what I can from CBT books and the internet.
3. I'm biding my time till it's less obvious it's me, and in case I need it as leverage. If he suddenly wants dd more because he can fob her off on new gf for example, or comes for the dog back.

There are couple of other things that he won't want me to tell people as well. It'll happen, I just need to sit on it a while. I have faith karma will do the job even if I don't.

No communal garden, it opens straight onto the street. It did have a garden attached but the previous landlord sold the space to one of the neighbours :(

Oh that looks great, thanks!

This is top of the list at the moment, it's like a proper bath! Expensive but much cheaper than moving house and if I get the biggest size I can have a bath myself. I'm loving the idea!

My daughter has the tiniest house, he kids are bathed in a rubble bucket which sits in the bottom of thr shower cubicle.

What did the neighbour do with the land? Long term it would be worth seeing if you could buy it (or some of it) back. That would open up more options long term and might not cost much more than moving.

I appreciate that it's not a useful suggestion for right now though.

It's just garden, about half is well tended by them and half is just overgrown so they may be open to it. It's round the back of the row of terraces (mine is above a shop)

We have the Stokke bath and my almost 5yo still fits in it. It folds very small and fits in our travel cot bag so we used to take it with us on holidays and family visits. The only downside is that you can’t carry it when it’s full because the joints won’t take it. No problem if it fits in the shower - you can just remove the plug, but if you need to use it on the floor then you’ll need to use a jug to empty it.

For some moral boost you could watch European or Asian YouTubers (sorry, don’t have specific recommendations). House with a garden and everyone having their own bedrooms is very much a British/western thing. In my county of origin it’s pretty common for the living room to also be the parent’s bedroom. Sofa beds usually come with classifications - occasional use, semi-regular use and everyday use. We have one for everyday use because family stays for weeks at a time and it’s more comfortable than our IKEA bed. You could also get a proper bed and divide it off with a bookshelf if the room is big enough.

Oh thank you some good out of the box ideas there, especially changing my mindset by watching small home YouTubers.

I have quite high ceilings so am making use of vertical storage where I can

Ah, bless you OP. I have a small 2 bedroom house, and 2 children. My plan was always to have a loft extension for extra space, but funds just didn't allow. So the kids now have the upstairs and I'm in the lounge. The dining room has now become the lounge. It works for us. As for the dog, I have a year old puppy and I know what that bond is like. Could a dog walker be an option? Could you adjust your dogs diet? Making meal times earlier so you don't need to go out for too late a walk?
Hold onto the flat! You never know how life will change, or what is around the corner. A secure roof over your head makes all the difference. Good luck!

So sorry you are in this position but focus on the positives you have your own flat and somewhere you can be safe.

re: bedroom space. I would give your toddler the bedroom. I would make the living room for your bedroom after she goes to bed. So get a sofa bed to pull out at night. Not ideal. But at least you can sleep separately and have more of an adult routine. As the toddler gets older it may be difficult to sleep separately if she is used to you being there.

I would use a folding plastic bath as temporary solution for bathing.

sorry cannot think of a solution for the dog.

Just want to say that you are incredibly inspirational OP - you have done such an amazing thing for your little one by leaving your abusive ex and honestly, I can sense that this difficulty is just temporary - you seem resourceful, resilient and strong so your futures will be so brilliant.

1. ikea laundry tub for bath works - for both laundry and bath - 2 in 1. And can do it cheaply!
2. dog - doggy pad? A bit of a faff but so much easier than needing to head out. Perhaps with a play pen - you can get something cheap from Amazon
3. Definitely board your loft for storage when you can - that will be a game changer
4. vacuum bags and under bed storage - can get from Amazon
5. maybe even an ottoman bed that you can lift
6. storage - use the walls and height if you can
7. you can share with your little one for years if you want. And if you don’t want to sofa bed or Murphy bed in time - but no need to stress yet.
8. maybe in time you could even make the loft a proper bedroom?
9. Loneliness - for now perhaps do stuff with your little one and friends whilst you heal? In time, you will find a way to date with family support and childcare
10. Asda or Tesco (or any supermarket) online shop is a good shout - weekly for everything or fortnightly for replenishing staples

most importantly, your home is your castle and your security. Don’t ever sell it to rent. You are smashing life in many ways, be proud. And I wish you so much luck and all the best

I would suggest getting your doctor to see if your meds are the correct dose for how you are feeling.
Buy a plastic baby bath.
Living in a smaller space can feel restrictive.

Can the dog be taught to be lead toileted.
Get some time out, adult time for yourself.
Relax and enjoy the small stuff.
Your partners new life is best left to focusing on organising your childs visists otherwose do nit get involved or care about how it seems.
Single parenting can really work well if you have good support and family, spend time with others with small children.
Never be ashamed of being who and what you are.

Thank you so much ❤️

You should be so proud of yourself. Try not to let these things bother you too much, sharing a bed and not having a bath really isn’t something to worry over. You’ve been hugely successful by the sounds of it and your daughter will be happy.
you could get a day bed for the lounge, they have a proper single mattress on them, and during the day you dress it up as a sofa. But honestly if you need to share a bed for the feasible, then just think of all the lovely memories your little one is going to have of that.
please consider times when your child is much older, and it will be pretty impossible to get them out of bed to take the dog for a night wee.
when your dog wees in the day time start to say a word when they are to get an association going, then when you take them directly out your door, you say the word again to hopefully get the message across. God forbid, but when your child will have childhood illness it really might not be an option to remove them from the house each night.

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned it already, but I have my eye on the Emma sofabed atm. My bedroom is downstairs. It looks like, and functions as, a normal sofa. But has two proper Emma mattresses that form a superking together. If you want to make the living room double as a bedroom without sacrificing your back! Xxx
eta - also, look at Murphy beds. They’re dear, but have seen a woman on TikTok make one cheaply with a kit xx

Have you considered selling and purchasing a more suitable shared ownership property? UC covers all of the rent aspect of shared ownership

See page 4
https://www.guidedogs.org.uk/-/media/Project/GuideDogs/GuideDogsDotOrg/Files/Non-ranking-PDFs/Volunteer-Information-Point---VIP/Resources/Puppy-walking-resources/3-relief-routine-advice-1.pdf

Does your mother live nearby? Would she consider sitting in your flat when baby is asleep so you can just quickly walk the dog?

I love the "borrow a dog" idea! I think I might sign myself up to the website.
If you were near me I would be happy to do this for you. I would love to get a dog but I also live in a flat and pets are not allowed. Borrowing your dog would be perfect for me as I like late night walks and I am an empty nester with no kids needing me at home. You're probably not near me though so I hope you manage to find someone and keep your beloved pup.
Well done for getting you and your baby and your dog out of there 💐

She would and does as often as she can, she's such a big help, but she has so many others responsibilities (other grandchildren, elderly parent, as well as a job and her own dog). I don't want to put any more on her, she wouldn't say no to any of her family even if she was (and often is) run into the ground.

No I hadn't, that's worth looking into thanks