For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

If you can speak to the hospital directly that would be good. I was only getting a version of the situation from my mother. There have been a good few suggestions on here that you wouldn't have thought of - I wouldn't have!

If there are follow up appointments you siblings need to be the ones driving her. Ye should have it 'easy' having 5 to split it between.

It's always this way. My mum was the carer for her parents and great-uncle. She had 5 siblings. The only one who helped her was the sister who lived furthest away - she and her husband would come visit to give my mum a break.

I would definitely want to speak to the hospital myself.

6 weeks care is extremely long, unless she's having a triple bypass.

It also depends on whether there are complications.

The type of surgery is relevant as the siblings want her to go to her own home with visiting carers. I've had 2 lots of major surgery. After my abdominal surgery this would have worked. Not a cat in hell's chance after my shoulder surgery. I needed someone with me round the clock when I first came home after that.

Good point! Hopefully, not.

Sorry op but have you thought this through. Your mum may not want to be in a car for that length of time following surgery. Totally understand why your siblings don't want to drive...it's a long time and exhausting...maybe they feel it too far for your mum.. this something to discuss with your mum and siblings and please understand you don't understand what's always going on in someone s life. Don't judge. Taxi or ambulance but your mum may just want to be in her own home after the surgery. You need to talk to hospital re the surgery as the doctors may suggest such a long trip isn't advisable... Honestly if you had surgery would you want to travel so far in a car ..you just want to go home.

Normally, surgery goes well these days. When my late husband had his triple bypass, the only reason that he had to have his sternum rewired was because his idiot named nurse kept giving him metformin on an empty stomach. Both DH and I reminded her that it was supposed to be taken with food...

Look away now if squeamish.

He threw up so much that he burst the newly wired sternum. They had to open theatre on the Saturday, specifically to re-wire ti.

My neighbour had three weeks in a convalescent home after a hip replacement. She said it was fabulous. She got to sit around watching tv and reading books whilst people brought her food, drink, and class A drugs.

I would second this. For some reason, elderly people tend to not tell the whole truth when it comes to their health. You need to speak to the hospital to get a clear idea of her needs and also entitlements.

She's working age, not elderly.

That sounds a sensible idea, OP

You haven't said when your mum's due to have this surgery, but it does worry me bit that you seem unsure what you'd be committing to and don't yet have any plans for how she'd get to follow-up appointments etc.

It'ss usually best to ask the people who actually do the job and I wish you only the best with it

My mam isn't elderly she is in her mid 50s, I think OPs mam is a little older. just I think some of the detail you are told in hospital can go over your head if your not well. But my mam also has a tendency to spin things and say things differently to what actually happened

Your siblings are assholes.

I am honestly the last person to judge others for protecting their peace and asserting boundaries. However, if I was in this situation as a single woman I hope my family would do the same for me. In the grand scheme of things I don't think a lift is too much to ask from the woman who carried and raised you. I would understand if there were significant barriers, but there really aren't.

I can’t believe your siblings are making such a fuss about a relatively short drive. I drove over an hour today just to meet a friend for lunch!

Oh, god. What a horror. I'm sorry you lost your dh.

Apologies if this has already been mentioned as I’ve only read the OP’s posts, but could she have the operation at your nearest hospital instead of her nearest? Then the travel issues are mitigated. She could get the train (or drive down to yours if she drives) then get herself back once she is better?

I live on my own and when I had surgery that’s what I did so I was closer to my mum who looked after me afterwards. I was able to drive after a week so 10 days later I drove myself home. I still couldn’t lift anything heavy until 6 weeks post op but my friends came and helped if I needed anything lifting.

Is it just a 1.5 hour drive x 2 (for return journey) ie half a day away from work probably, by the time they've got home/to work?

IME of getting someone home from hospital a lot of time was wasted waiting for discharge paperwork to be completed and then hanging around in a discharge lounge whilst one last prescription was sorted out so more like a whole day off work in the end if 3 hours of driving is added on.

Are they (and you) aware that everyone in employment is entitled to a week of carers' leave per year now? It's unpaid.

You sound lovely and I’m sure want to help your mum as best you can, however I would strongly advise against having her come to you. I work in ASC and the hospital should arrange appropriate care for her discharge, that might mean a rehabilitation bed somewhere if she does require overnight care, or carers coming to her throughout the day. Will she need district nurses coming to dress wounds, will she need to go back to the hospital for checkups during her recovery period? The other thing I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned but if you do take her home prepared to care for her this can actually turn out to be more than the person can physically or mentally take on, even with the best will in the world. If she is now 1.5 hours away from home her GP won’t be able to come to see her, and it doesn’t sound like she would be able to see them, the local ASC wouldn’t know her and if she is there temporarily they likely wouldn’t take on her care, and the usual ASC wouldn’t be able to come and see her because she would be out of their area. If you are working you won’t be able to help her during the day, what if she needs the toilet for example? Or a sandwich, cup of tea? How mobile will she be? I think it’s a really lovely sentiment but as I know you’ve said already do speak to the hospital to see what care is required and you can also ask to speak to the hospital social work team to discuss all scenarios too. Best of luck to your mum with her op, I know it’s a bit scary for you all.

Yes because asking someone to give up work for 3 weeks is exactly the same as asking someone to drive 3 hours.

Two different siblings can do different legs of the round trip, so only a commitment of roughly one and a half hours is required from each one.

Eh? Once you drive somewhere you have to drive back home afterwards don't you? It's a 3 hour round trip.

@NappyBag have you called the ward and spoken to someone to find out your mum's actual needs and their recommendations? Best place to start before you and your siblings end up arguing unnecessarily!

Twiglets1· Today 11:07

Eh? Once you drive somewhere you have to drive back home afterwards don't you? It's a 3 hour round trip.

You’re right. My brain fart.