For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

oooh yes.

It's 99% of the time a daughter takes on this role, hardly ever a son.
It looks like they have made you the head of the family so you will have to call a meeting online and tell them how bad it is.

Ask them

1. is it fair you are taking the full load?
2. what are they going to do to contribute?
3. she had 5 kids so it should be split 5 ways. End of.
4. start a WhatsApp and do a poll on the best time for the first meeting (suggest 30 mins but you and I know it will last longer
5. write down what is needed and if they can't think for themselves, discuss and delegate.
6. Confirm who does what and when on WhatsApp group
7. keep everything transparent on the group so they can't wriggle out of it.
8. you can do this - stick to the facts of what needs doing
9. if you don't you'll feel resentful and crumble
10. time for big girl pants 😜💕👌 xxx

@CantBelieveNaive that's absolutely great advice once op speaks to the hospital and finds out what exactly it is they say the dm needs, not what she's telling the OP.
I'm curious to know what exactly it is she needs given she's telling op she needs live in care for 6 weeks but yet op can still go and work full time?

It is if there's a reasonable reason why either can't be done...

And if they say no?

Well my answer to number two would be nothing, I have my reasons. The rest of it would just be noise to me and I'd ignore it.

She's their sibling, not their line manager!
She can request they chat about options but neither the OP nor her mum is entitled to a second of the other siblings time. They don't owe her a whatsapp poll, a group call, a lift. It would be nice, assuming a normal family relationship, if they wanted to but they don't have to do anything.
OP needs to stop focusing on what other people are or aren't doing and on what she is or isn't ok with doing.

Few operations need 6 weeks of 24hr live in care, is she getting mixed up with the 6 week reablement package, how would she manage if she was on her own. I'd talk to the doctor, nurse, therapists and discharge team before you commit yourself. Is your house equipped to look after someone who may need a hospital bed, commode, walking aids, chair. If she's likely to need nursing care then rehab would be safer. The hospital can arrange transport, if she needs live in care then she might need a stretcher, a lot depends on what op she's having and how mobile she's likely to be. Our gp practice have a community led volunteer car service, they take patients home, to and from hospitals or the gp, they stay with patients and its much cheaper than a taxi.

Yup. Drove an hour-and-a-half each way to meet my cousin for lunch today.

Thank you. That's very kind of you.

The poor soul actually survived that surgery by 11 years, but it took its toll of him.

Your siblings are behaving very badly.

Christ, I can't get over how many people on here seem to consider a 1 1/2 hour drive a mammoth undertaking, never mind that it's to help out family. I drove that (and back) yesterday to bring home most of my son's belongings from university. In a couple of weeks I will do that after work to pick up from an airport, turning back to come home straight afterwards.

Family?
There's family I wouldn't cross the street to help.

The only opinions that matter are those of the other 4. And they've said no.

@Allthegoodnamesaregone1

Fair enough, but the OP doesn't say that these family members are estranged or anything, and we are talking about a mother and her children, not a distant cousin or anything.

The OP did a vague post about the questionable quality of her mother's parenting.

It says enough that 4 children don't want to help.
They don't have to.

This. If they won't do that they are just being awkward. I feel for your mum to have such useless children. My DH and my DM recently died. My DD, my DS and my DSS and his partner all ferried me everywhere. From the hospital where my DH was dying, following his ambulance to a hospice, taking me to where my mother was dying (mostly DD), making things possible for me at home, organising my garden so that I can look after it (DH was the gardener), taking me out, taking me to lunch/dinner whatever. DD and DSS (and DS) arranged the funeral, DD arranged DM's funeral (DB too broken). None of this have I either asked for or expected. They all just did it. Tomorrow DS and partner are coming to clear garden a bit and then I will go to their house for lunch. That is how families work - yours seems a bit dysfunctional.
Tell them to pull their fingers out and act like people. (NB all above are in full-time and very demanding employment and have their own problems, but still they have helped me.)

In my experience there is always one child who does the doing. That’s just how families work. I know this from experience. Rightly or wrongly.

no point getting wound up about it. Just need to find a solution.

good luck !

Op, is it possible that your siblings are pushing back because they believe your mum’s recuperation will be harder than you at first believed? Are they possibly trying to force your DM and her hospital team , to put social care plans in place?

On paper it sounds like your siblings are being unreasonable, but maybe they see a bigger picture?

She needs to look into top up benefits such as Universal Credit. If she’s having elective surgery she will have time to get a claim processed hopefully.

Your siblings sound very selfish, if they have children l hope that they get treated the same, if/when they need help.
Yes contact the hospital and tell them that your DM lives on her own and see what help is available. Good luck.

OP,
Ordinarily I'd say YANBU. But you don't know the relationship between your siblings and mum and being autistic how confident are you in your judgement of such things?

Also, as PP mentioned as taxpayers they might be forcing social care etc to actually do what we pay for by providing transport etc instead of dumping on family members.

If she really was an OK (not great!) mum. They're being selfish, and one day deserve similar treatment. But I don't know that!

BTW I'd move heaven and earth for my parents, they're amazing. Other people often aren't as blessed so I can't project my thoughts onto them

That is so sad that none of the other 4 are willing to help 😞 especially when you have been willing to do the bulk of the care. It’s depressing that some people on here seem to have the attitude that she only deserves help if she’s been the mother of the century. For goodness sake, you’re only asking them to collect and take her home.
Bless you for being the only one with any love and compassion by the sound of it

Tell them one of them needs to drop mum off or they need to arrange and pay for her taxi.

Don’t leave it as a last resort.

And again OP has no power over these people. She could tell them to jump out of a plane tap dancing and it would have the same effect as your post.

You are being a wonderful daughter. Shame on your siblings! Can't give up 3 hours, just once! Unbelievable!
I travelled, 5 days a week, at least 90 minutes each way, involving 2 15 minute walks, a train and a bus. Spent 6 hours caring for my abusive father, 90 minutes back home. Did it for 8 months before I got any support, and that utterly inadequate. Did it because he was my dad and there was no one else.
All you are asking is for a 3 hr round trip?
Shame shame shame on them!
I really feel for you.