For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

When my late husband had open heart surgery, the city hospital wanted me to drive my husband to the local hospital for his recuperation and rehab. The journey would have been an hour and a half.

I had been driving from my work to the hospital every night to see him, but I was astonished and anxious. There was no one who could go with me in case something happened en route. (His sternum had actually burst open in the hospital at one point and had to be rewired and he was very weak.)

I told them I'd been under the impression that he'd get patient transport and this was then arranged. When I saw him in hospital that evening, he told me that they'd just organised a car for him...

As I've said previously, I think that the cost of travel is a problem.

They sound like my late husband's kids. His ex is with Partner No 4. P2/BF died suddenly. Less than a year later she was with P3. He died of an illness. (His daughter stepped up.) Less than a year later, the ex was with P4. I'm beginning to understand why.

Not always easy to get

OP I had three siblings and no one helped me with my parents care.
I think a 90 minute car journey would cost £150 and the same back. You'll be doing the caring so £75 each for those who are not able to help. You will need to register your mum at your local surgery incase of emergencies. .
I wonder if they will be so disinterested in a will later on? My sister was all over my late father's. She even examined his bank statements.
Good luck and I hope your mum recovers well.

Have you got any experience of caring for someone after major surgery? I'd be a bit wary what you're committing to. It's hard work and I'm not sure how much of your own work you'd get done.

Also, how does she get to physio, consultant or GP appointments from your house if you don't drive? There are usually checks ups they need to go to after surgery. I've seen someone do what you're proposing (albeit they could drive) and the parent ended up with problems after the surgery, an extremely lengthy recovery and needed multiple trips to the GP which is very difficult at a distance.

Mine went into a residential care home for a couple of weeks following surgery as there was no one who could move in with her and too far/unsuitable accommodation for her at children's houses. This worked a lot better.

Obviously don't know the full story but could your siblings be worried about driving someone for 1.5 hours after major surgery? It's not something I'd want to be responsible for and probably very uncomfortable for the person concerned.

Tbf there's a chance that the OP isn't the only autistic sibling.

Somewhere on this forum there's a post:

I'm a single woman living alone. I have 5 adult children, 4 of whom live nearby and one living an hour and a half drive away. I am having a major surgery that will leave me needing in-home care for a few weeks while I recover. Of my 5 children, only my daughter living far away has offered to help me and take me in while I recover. My other children won't even pick me up and drive me to hers all citing inconvenience. AIBU to expect help from my family?
🤦‍♀️

@luckylavender
Not always easy to get
Maybe not but well worth a try. This is exactly who it is for

Thanks about the advice about registering her. I've never had to think about this before so anything like this will make such a difference. When it comes to a will, unless my siblings have a penchant for novelty photo frames there will be nothing of any value they see. My mum very much lives a hand to mouth lifestyle. This why this injury has been so devastating as she has gone into SSP which she can't really afford. Even the well meaning comments about taxis funded by mum upwards of £100 don't take into account that she couldn't afford that at the best of times, let alone on SSP.

could you say to them “In that case, can you club together for the taxi to bring Mum to me?” It seems on the face of it very selfish that none of your four siblings are able to do something relatively simple when you are doing the bulk of the work, but what is their relationship like? Was your Mum a good mum to you all or is there a back story?

Yes, my partner but he didn't need to attend physio until he was pretty much on the mend. But will definitely ask this, thank you. I think you are right and I need to understand what I am committing to.

I really can’t believe some of the selfish shit I’m reading on this thread.
Unless your mother was abusive to your siblings, nothing justifies them behaving like this.

A 3 hour drive after surgery is going to be really uncomfortable

Ask siblings to pitch in for a taxi then.

Unless she was some kind of abusive monster, which it doesn't sound like she was, your siblings' attitude is disgusting.

The fact that they are the youngest does explain it a bit. My DH is the eldest of 4 and the youngest two, even though the're 28 and 30 now, still act like teenagers when it comes to family stuff. They really fit every disappointing stereotype, which is so odd (my family isn't like that at all!).

When the chips are down, particularly when there is illness, you see true colours coming out. My mother had to have daily infusions near where my sister worked, 45 minutes from where we live. My sister worked nearby and my mum could start before sister started work. It was at most an additional 5 minutes in her commute time. She made it 3 days before complaining she could not do it. I do not understand people who think inconvenience is a suitable reason for not helping someone else. If you dont want to do it, dont want to support the person, or have a reason, just say it. But inconvenience? No, not good enough. OP, sounds like your siblings are chancers who are happy to play chicken with you until you crack and find a way to do it. I do think male or female makes a difference too.

Ah OP don't be so sure re the novelty photo frames. My family argued over a bench, hoover and a wheelbarrow!
You're doing a kind thing. Ring up your surgery ask for the care coordinator. Most have them and you might get some local help. My dad was entitled to eight weeks in a care home a year but he was retired and registered disabled. Ditto attendance allowance if your mum is past pension age. If not you can claim carers allowance whilst she is with you but you are capped on your earnings. £150 a week I think.

It’s entirely possible they think this is a terrible idea and refusing to get involved.

it’s fairly unusual for adult kids, who have a good relationship with their mother and are able to help, refuse.

I would think there’s either something you are missing or they just don’t want to get involved for other reasons.

So you are offering round the clock care for a number of weeks, at great sacrifice to yourself and household (including expense of food etc) and they can’t chip in with a lift?!?! That’s pretty shocking- ‘dear siblings, as none of you are able to bring mum here you better quickly work out which of you will be providing the round the clock care needed and have mum live with you…..
obviously bar the minority of adults who had a neglectful and abusive childhood the attitude of some towards their parents is so sad, these people raised you for 18 years and you don’t want to give an hour of your time here and there? Your children will follow suit, they won’t see you caring for your mum, they won’t bother either when you are old…
well done op for not being this unkind!

But wouldn't "I think this isn't going to work because of x, y, z" be an easier out than "Sorry, I'm painting a friend's room all day"?

Jesus Christ "her problem to solve" how cold is that? She has 5 kids, why is it so so terrible to expect a bit of help after major surgery??

The is the kind of thing that makes me feel better about only having one child, when people say oh they'll have no sibling support as you get older. Well apparently having siblings counts for nothing quite often. It certainly didn't for my mum, whose selfish brother sat back while she took care of my nan with dementia.

It'll be 1.5hours for the mum. 3 hours return for the sibling

But still … probably can raise £120 for a one off event like this.

If she really can’t, her children will have to pay it between them.

To be honest for a few hours in one day/ two days of a trip it’s craziness that they can’t do it but then I don’t think your partners reasons are great either- surely most jobs will accommodate someone having to drive someone who’s just had surgery somewhere if it never happens! All odd!

Your siblings sound very selfish! From what you've said there is no huge back story etc.

Saying about your mam 'choosing to be alone' loads of people are single! How rude.

My mam has just been in hospital for a few weeks and has been diagnosed with a life changing illness. I am an only child, but thankfully my mam has a few sisters. But she has had to come stay with me, she lives about 3 hours away from me. We do have a back story but ultimately she isn't a bad person just made mistakes and I will be there for her.

I'm also having issues with her having lived pay day to pay day through her life and having zero plans for her future.

But yes your siblings are selfish - painting a friends room ffs! Are they really young?