Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

[Cindyhadayellowcar]

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

Is it after work? If so just say you have caring responsibilities

They know that's not true. We chat enough at work for them to know stuff like that.

Just say there is no "I" in team and don't go.

Don't be surprised if they spend the whole meeting talking about you behind your back though.

Sometimes you have to invest a bit of time doing stuff you don't want in order to make people easier to manage. I'm pretty sure you hand out stuff to people that they don't want to do a lot of the time as well.

Edit : The signal you are sending to them is that you don't like them enough to even bear one night out with them socially.

“It’s not really my thing, hope you have a good time”. Repeat when necessary.

‘I’ve got a lot going on so it’s hard for me to pinpoint a date. You all choose the best date for you and if I can make it I’ll come along’.

Go. You cant not. You'll lose more by not going than you'll gain by it. It will be a kick in the teeth. Go and leave 1/2hr after you've finished eating.

Edit : The signal you are sending to them is that you don't like them enough to even bear one night out with them socially.

Yes, this is what I'm worried about. I don't want to offend or upset them. I was just rather optimistically wondering if there was a genius way of never going on them AND not appearing horribly antisocial.

You're probably right.

Most people do need to invest a little bit in building social ties with work colleagues. It depends on your job, of course, but why not consider it rather like a task at work that you don't especially enjoy but is part of the role? No need to go every time, but I would make the effort to go once in a while.

If you're determined not to see them outside work just tell them that you don't mix work and social events. They won't ask you again.

There isn't a particularly polite way of conveying that this is how you feel about it.

This is good.

Why don’t you want to ? The answer to that question is what you say to them. I tell people I really struggle in social situations and prefer not to go, and then don’t go. Just nice, easy honesty.

You can say you don't really fancy it and that's a legitimate approach to take. But I think what you're really asking is is it possible to be the only person on a team who never does any social stuff out of the office without that having an impact on your social relationships inside the office, and the answer to that is almost certainly no.

I think you probably do need to go occasionally if you want to be a full part of the team/do well at work.

What's the reason you don't want to go? Could just telling the truth because the answer?

I feel exactly the same way as you OP but alas I don’t think there’s a polite way of saying you never ever want to see your team socially.

You'll have to either tell them work socials just aren’t your thing and stomach a bit of social disapproval and people taking offence. Or go along to every other event and make last minute excuses for the ones in between to show willing but at least reduce them a bit.

We had a colleague who never attended team events. It definitely drew a spotlight on him - it was talked about and also not liked by the managers.

I'd rather turn up for an hour than risk alienating the team.

It would be bad not to go to any. Also depends on how often they are. If it’s every month - I ‘d go to every third or fourth one. If it was twice a year I’d do both.

You didn't provide a reason for not wanting to go so I can only assume this is exactly how you feel - they are not worth your time. In which case there is no point trying to hide it, is there?

This thread is the perfect example of how people who cannot attend events outside of work are othered.

I don't think that's true. You could say people who choose not to go to work events are othered, no-one would bat an eyelid if the OP had caring responsibilities and couldn't go.

OP, if you can't think of a plausible excuse and you just don't want to go for whatever reason, just be honest, but be prepared for them to be (rightly or wrongly) offended as it will be clear that you just don't want to spend time with them. I do not love those types of events myself either, but sometimes you have to just go - the short-term pain will have long-term benefits like a more cohesive team, a friendlier atmosphere etc. And if you go along to say one in every four, how many times a year would that be - probably not many :)

Would you attend events with the team that are during work hours I.e. pub lunch at a venue nearby? Is it just evenings that you don’t want to do? I think the only chance you’ve got is to be completely honest with them and just own it. And equally accept the fact that you will most likely alienate people. You just have to decide for yourself if it’s worth it.

There is a difference between can’t and won’t.

We do Team socials and it's always the same people who don't go, it's not like they even have to pay. I just find it sad that they aren't willing to even try and be part of the team or build that connection. It's not about having friends away from work, I do too, it's about building relationships with your colleagues.

Team socials are a good way to help a team bond and get to know each other away from the office/meetings. Depending what you do you also find out how competitive or much of a sore loser they are 😂.

This is what I had to say about department socials. I absolutely hated them. Great people to work with but noooooo, not to socialise with. I was honest and actually there were others who took my queue and stopped going too.

I don't go to social events because my colleagues aren't my friends and these events are not part of my duties that I'm being paid to carry out. I politely decline but don't give a reason.