Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

[Cindyhadayellowcar]

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

I go to very few after work social events. With my small team I’m happy to go to dinner/lunch/drinks etc but a couple of times a year there are big events for all staff. My idea of hell so I don’t go. My team know it’s just not my thing and I’m not much of a drinker. My husband and I spend lots of our free time with family and our actual friends.

Only one person in work has commented negatively on it but I made it clear to her a couple of years ago that I can spend my free time how I choose. She thinks I’m antisocial but then I think she gets messy drunk and embarrasses herself so 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is exactly why whenever we organise work events we keep them very casual and open ended. Eg "we're going to be at X bar at X time, come along if you'd like to, no problems if you cant/dont want to"

That way noone ever feels pressured to go.

Jesus!

Work is about trust. Trust you can do the job. Not how many times you go to a social function in your own time, and often at your own cost.

Promotions should be based on work not who goes to the pub more often.

I always refused to go on work socials because I’m teetotal and it always involved alcohol. I was regularly told that I wasn’t a team player and that was absolutely fine with me. I don’t want to be on ‘team booze’ or ‘team no life outside work’!

I am autistic and I can totally relate to that, except for the bit when I worry silly about the impression I make on others. I still go. Not to every social but I do join at least a couple a year. I have one drink, I don't worry about social cues too much - some of my team are aware I have autism, others aren't. It's all good, I still have very good relationships with my colleagues even if I committed social crime of offering a relatable anecdote instead of asking them more questions about themselves.
My former PIL always referred to me as being "delightfully European" after an incident when to my MIL's question "Does this bird (she lovingly made) seem a bit dry?" I honestly answered "It is a bit". Apparently, not the way it's done here 😂So I just lean into that and assume most people think of me as "delightfully European" rather than odd.

I never go o. work nights out
I am very close to some my colleagues and class them as friends but the Christmas night out etc is just not my scene. My friends ask me if I am going and I just say it's not my thing.
We work in small teams of 4/5 and I'd go with the small group for a meal but drinking all night (i don't drink) and carnage going on is just not me.

I relate to so much of what you've put here OP. Wish you were on my team and we could pal up on work nights out. I do think you should allow yourself one drink though. I do and just sip it- kind of lessens the feeling of otherness, especially if I'm struggling with the food.

I've done this successfully for ten years!

I do also suggest/attend coffee/lunch in the work day.

Should be. But have you ever worked for anywhere like that? And if you think you have then you are naive.

Since you mention costs, Would you feel comfortable leaning on this? So, speaking to the organiser and saying 'sounds lovely but money's a bit tight at the minute. Nothing to worry about, but I'll need to sit this out and will let you know when I can join one. Hope everyone has a great time!'

If there's a drinks gathering rather than dinner that can be a good opportunity to show face, have one (can be soft drink) and leave without committing to a full evening. If one of those comes up it might be an idea to fulfil the social expectation by doing that leaving you more comfortable to refuse longer events. Obviously you're not obliged to go to any but if this would be easier than refusing all its an option.

I have had plenty of colleagues who have managed just fine without joining socials or just having one quick drink

Well I have. I have worked with a lot of folk who haven't gone to the pub or boozy meals for cultural reasons for one thing and it hasn't done them any harm. Ditto those with long commutes or who simply weren't very sociable. I've never worked anywhere (the 70s PLC?) where promotion was based upon social participation.

But OP can - she just doesn't want to

I was manager and employee for over 45 years and now retired. Worked for big global organisation.

i do not hold that employees socialising between themselves is good for team building. There is no evidence for this. Your working relationships are based on tasks you perform, your strengths and skills and experience in that job. That has no baring on how you interact socially where it comes down to social skills, and personality type. Your personality type at work is influenced by your role, and is not the same as your personality type in your own time. Sure, they’ll be common cores- but it is simply not the same.

imhe, people citing self funded social gatherings as good for team building are extroverts justifying replacing friends with colleagues to fill their social calendar, or cynical employers that won’t put money where mouth is and stump up for work events.

I have experienced teams who’ve socialised independently a lot - and it does not make high performing teams. It can actually make for very difficult working environment with bullying, harassment, inappropriate banter, and inappropriate relationships. It can be a bloody nightmare for managers to manage.

I have known people who are always trying to socialise with work colleagues and some that have avoided it on point of principle. Those avoiding on point of principle are often singled out for bitching for first few times of refusal to join in, it after a while, if the person doesn’t react and is entirely consistent, eventually it is accepted that this person just doesn’t “do” social events. I have known people who’ve not “done social events” for 20 years and that included work sponsored events, people actually have to remember to keep inviting so as not to appear rude, but generally take it as given they’ll not join in . Their careers weren’t affected by that decision because…it doesn’t actually help team building, perceptions of you as a worker etc in the long run.

imho of being both manager and team member high performing teams are arrived at through formal, work based, targeted team events. With a clear objective and proven results. That doesn’t mean they have to be dull. They can be a lot of fun. But general rules will be

1. in company time only - your employees have homes and lives of their own and don’t need to justify that to you
2. at company cost only - no expectation of any employee including the teams own manager stumping up for drinks or anything else. Managers family won’t benefit from High performing team, so why expect them and their family to pay for it!
3. a team leader needs to be present at all times to clearly send signal this is still a professional environment and stop any banter, snipping, inappropriate behaviours etc
4. events should not restrict people from participation due to personal circumstances or beliefs - I.e. no high wire antics where those with mobility challenges or fear of heights will be unduly stressed, anxious or left out (for some reasons I’ve experienced a lot of 30 year old male managers who dont get this), events requiring form fitting clothing (wet suits, bathing costumes - yep had those too), events revolving around alcohol with no non alcohol options (cocktail making with no mock tails- particularly stupid given most of us driving home 🤦‍♀️). Or even firgging tea, foot massages in china where it is apparently a thing (yep, had to watch one of my colleagues have their bunions sliced off 🤢- I think it’s a “china” thing! . “ Fun” events need to be considered carefully then .

sure, they’ll always be a few friendship groups that develop and meet up socially on their own, and that’s fine. Not companies business to stop it UNLESS some of that starts to impinge on work duties . And it does occasionally with catastrophic results.

Op, you don’t need to give explanation just say “ thank you for invite, I don’t , as a rule, mix with colleagues in my own time, but I hope you have a great time” be consistent . Those saying your team mates will take hump, bitch, gossip are ones that would be up to do that. Yea, some probably will, but after 2-3 events they’ll get bored and just accept it. After 5 years no one will care other than those that’ll take your stance as a model to also say no.

Any workplace that holds it against you because you don't spend money and time you can't spare in the pub is not a place worth working for IMO.

I used to join in with a will with most work and tenuously-work-related events when I was a lot younger. I can't say it particularly helped my career (or I'd still be working there now), it was just something everyone did. The last time I went to any work do outside of working hours was absolute torture, because I was NOT "one of the girls" and never would be and was pretty sure I wasn't going to be working there much longer, which was indeed the case.

Upon starting my present employment I took the solemn oath never to do anything in my own time. I've been there nearly a decade now as, if I say so myself, a suitably valued and generally liked member of the team. I support and advise colleagues as appropriate, have occasionally helped some outside work at a pinch, as I'm sure they'd do for me if I ever needed it, but just don't do after-work events. The annual email comes round asking for numbers for the Christmas meal and I send an immediate, very polite, thanks but no thanks. One person got sniffy about it one year, but as it turned out they didn't go to the work do either, so, y'know... sniffers gonna sniff. I've been there the longest of anyone so they more or less have to fit round me instead of the other way, anyway. When I retire I will say a fond farewell to all, probably provide cake and fizz, may or may not swap a phone number or two, but for the most part will simply move on to the next stage of life and never see them again. It's not because I didn't like them. There just isn't room or time enough to keep up with all the people you ever meet, especially when you're socially lazy like me, or when, like OP, you find socialising challenging.

TLDR: It's not necessary to join in everything to be a good team member. If it's not your thing, withdrawing gracefully can be the best way forward. If they hold it against you they're not your friends anyway.

Lovely post, @Dartwarbler, you sound like a good boss.

I like them. Fine people to work with

So you like them - but not enough to share a single meal with them and enjoy it?

That's not my definition of liking people.

To clarify - it sounds to me like you tolerate them. You compartmentalise acquaintances and choose that colleagues can't also be friends.

Thats your choice, but many/most people will consider that you don't actually like them that much if that is your position.

You can just say no, I doubt people will care as much as you think they will, but if you like them why not go once in a while? MN loves to tell us to say no, but I find life is better when you say yes, and often the things you felt a bit meh about turn out to be really good evenings

Well if you want to put it that way, yes. That's correct. I don't actually like my colleagues as much as I like my friends. Am I supposed to?

I just say no thanks.

What's wrong with that though? It's great if you can make friends with colleagues but it's certainly not inevitable. I've worked with people who were ok as people but I wouldnt choose to be friends with them or hang out with them outside of work because we didnt have anything in common and our personalities just didnt mesh like that. Doesnt mean either of us were wrong, just that not everyone you meet is going to end up as friends or people you choose to spend time with and thats perfectly ok.

I tell people at work I don’t go because my tinnitus means I can’t follow conversations in noisy environments, even restaurants, and spend most of the night saying “what?” until I just pretend I heard and nod and hope it was at the appropriate time, or they quite reasonably get fed up trying and don’t talk to me anymore. So I tell them while I like their company at work, enjoy occasional walks at lunchtime etc, going out out is just not for me as I don’t enjoy it.

Have you shared your ND with anyone at work, one of the guys on our team has bipolar disorder and after he’d been in the team a couple of years, talks openly about it and it is ok. Appreciate you might not want to or feel comfortable sharing that information.

Team bonding should be done within work hours.

can you limit it by suggesting you all go to lunch together?
time limited, no one gets embarrassingly drunk.
by the time you've got to a restaurant, order, chat, eat it's time to head back.

I understand op. I also don’t socialise with my colleagues, because i’m on the only one with little kids they all have big social lives and we have nothing in common at this stage of my life. Making boring small talk in a pub is something I have no interest in.