Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

[Cindyhadayellowcar]

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

You can refuse - but they will know you aren't bothered enough to spend any of your outside work time with. There's no way to avoid that really.
It hopefully won't matter if you are otherwise a good team member in work. I quite like socialising with work freinds and would rather than anyone there wanted to be there rather than was forced to be.

When I worked in an office as part of a team I turned down a few after works drinks and meals, I had to collect my children and wanted to go home and have some family time.
My team leader called me into the office one day and said if I wanted to be part of the team I had to act like it.
I decided it wasn't for me then, my job is to earn money and my time is family time.

I just say something in a "jokey" way like "god no thanks I spend enough time with you lot!" And leave it there

I just say ‘no thanks’, leave it at that. Life’s short, don’t waste time with people unless you’re actually interested in spending time with them.

This. I love team bonding stuff and would hate to think that anyone was there against their will.

The more complicated thing is if the others become closer and you start to feel a bit left out of things. Easily happens if they are spending much time outside work.

I do understand that work socials can be draining and a bit of a pain in the arse.

But I also think saying you never want to go to any ever under any circumstances is a bit precious. I also think the benefit of just swallowing it and going to one with good grace (even if just for an hour or so) will far exceed your satisfaction at having got out of it. You will generate goodwill which will really help you.

The reality is that work has a social component and every now and then you have to show willing. Just basic courtesy.

Its one thing to not like them: a lot of us don’t like them. But insisting you are so special you should never be expected to go sends a signal to them that you think you deserve special treatment. It’s not worth it.

You don’t have the go every time. One out of every five or six will go a long way.

I suppose it depends on where you work, I know at my work this wouldn't be a problem. I like work socials and go to them if I can, but there's a couple of team members who always say no thanks. That's no problem at all. It's just not their thing and that's fine, no one is offended at all.

Don't lie, don't make excuses and just be honest. "Thanks so much for inviting me. I won't be joining you, but I hope you all have a great time". That's it.

I don't go to many work social stuff.

My time out of work is precious and have other commitments out side work.

As I've got older I am much more choosy about what stuff I go to. I don't go to anything I really don't want to.

i have never in 22 years ever gone on a team social night out.. i am very honest with my team.

sadly due to previous DV i cannot be in a room full of drunk people, espeically drunk men.. my anxiety would be on high alert and its less stressful to simply not go.

they all understand and have no isses

Can you say that as much as you like them and enjoy working together, you'd prefer not to mix business with pleasure.

I wouldn't want to go either, and with this reason you never need a new excuse.

Why don't you want to go?

Let them pick a date and then say you can't make it because you have other plans.

For the posters talking about the social component of work - that's for during work hours like a team lunch or events hosted by the workplace imo. If it was the companies Christmas do, then it could be antisocial to not go as it's only once a year and (hopefully) provided by the company. A team having several social meetups throughout the year is just unnecessary. It's hard enough amongst working full time to schedule in days that work to see actual friends and family, who actually wants to spend time out of work with people you already spend the majority of your life with anyway.

Team lunches are reasonable. Evening meals are not. My free time is extremely valuable to me.

WTF is team bonding, anyway? I don't need it to do my job properly. Why can't people just do their fucking jobs?

I also like this idea.

Say that money’s tight at the moment and you are trying not to eat out/spend it on drinks

I like my colleagues and enjoy socialising with them sometimes. I would extend the invite wide enough so not to exclude people, but would hate to think someone was having this dilemma of not wanting to go but feeling like they should.

Why should we not accept someone politely declining invitations, just because we work with them?

OP I honestly wouldn't think any less of you but it's evident that there are people who might, so you do have a decision to make regarding how you want to handle this. Is there someone you're closer to in the team that you could have a quiet word with and try to gauge what the feelings towards you not going on team socials would be?

I agree. If it's seen to be that important that people have to socialise- events should be done in working time.

Work shouldn't monopolise free time. And people shouldn't be disadvantaged at work just because they don't socialise out with work

I'm so glad I don't work where half the people on mumsnet work, it would be a very dull working environment.

Team bonding helps teams work together, it adds cohesion. It helps people get to know who they're working with on a more personal level. I have a great relationship with my colleagues, because we've got to know each other when we aren't sat trying to work.

I've worked in places where no one did anything together, I've worked in places where people do stuff together. I know which I prefer and which is a nicer place to work, and which has better team cohesion.

We get a budget for socials and it’s like pulling teeth to get people to come out for a free lunch during working hours never mind doing something in the evening for an hour (escape room type stuff). Beyond tedious. Because the budget is for team stuff it makes it really hard to justify spending it when a couple of individuals will not come and do anything anyone suggests. I can’t say they add anything to the socials other than their presence but still they are part of the team. I’m sure you’re lovely op but if there is someone like me on your team that just wants to use the money we have on a nice lunch maybe just grit your teeth and come with us 😁

Dont go as it often edns in tears
i was branded "anti-social for not going out on after work, the whole team events - could I give a flying f - well it hurt initially but I had my 2/3 close buddies - and guess what, even they stopped going as too much 2bitiching going on" and people fell out, ie those that could not handle their drink!!

You are good staying out of that!!

Why not just go out with them?

I know 2 people at work who don’t “do” social events and it’s completely fine, we joke about it. Don’t lie or make excuses, simply say thanks but not for me and leave it there. Let them speculate, who cares as long as you are decent at work.

or not

"Not my thing but I hope that you have a great time"