Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

[Cindyhadayellowcar]

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

Why are you so dramatically opposed to having the odd night out with them?

This is sensible. I'll stick on a smile and go to the meal.

Just tell them that you really enjoy working with them but team nights aren't your thing and you hope they all have a great time. Why anyone would be offended is beyond me, not everyone wants to bond with their colleagues outside of work nor should you be expected to. If you're friendly in work I can't see it being an issue.

Lots of reasons.

• I won't enjoy it.
• I barely have enough time to catch up with friends I do want to see - to spend an evening with colleagues seems a waste (though I now agree it's not a waste - it's about showing willing and being a team player).
• I'm not wealthy and it's money I'd rather not spend.
• I'm neurodivergent and it takes a huge amount of effort to remember how to be a pleasant, social person for a whole evening. I can do it - but I'm doing it all on manual and it's exhausting. Eye contact. Not too much eye contact. Words to affirm the person's story. Now join in and add an anecdote. Don't talk too much. Only say appropriate things. Make sure that you never actually say anything, just do words that are pleasant. And do it in a noisy restaurant where everyone is talking at once and I can't eat most of the menu.
• I sometimes get the above wrong and then I've put all that effort in and they still think I'm a weirdo and then I have to shame spiral about the thing I said wrong. (Working on this).
• I can't drink at social things because it lets my guard down, and I'd rather stay home on a saturday night and have a glass of wine with my cat and relax.
• No matter how hard I try I'll always be a bit 'other' and I know they socalise without me anyway, and I genuinely understand why they do. I'm not one of the gang and however nice I am, and however nice they are - I don't and can't fit in. I'm acutely aware of this and these work socials are painful. However - all that said I can see that the judgement is that I have to go anyway once in a while. Fair enough. Have taken this on board and will go.

I hope you don't find it too exhausting. Hopefully the fact that you do at least like them will help a bit.

I blame my children. I don't care to spend time with the wider team outside of work. There's a select few I'd rather see privately.

Looking at it a different way if they socialise anyway this might be a special effort to include you. I think you need to go too. I think you did its a small team. Try and relax.

For me it would depend how far you had to travel home after the team event. I used to commute into central London with a 90 minute journey each way. Factor that into an evening out plus the perils of public transport late at night, possibly a taxi as well if really late at night. I very rarely attended after hours events and as far as I know people understood and didn’t mind. When I did go along I did enjoy myself however.

As I soon as I read this OP, I wanted to ask if you thought you might be neurodivergent! I just saw your update.

Don’t go. You’ll be giving up energy that you don’t have, to people who will have no idea what it has actually taken from you, just because you are worried about being liked.

You don’t deserve to be put through that, and if your colleagues had any idea about it would feel like for you then, if they are decent people, I am sure that they wouldn’t want you to go through it either.

Look at all the posters asking why you don’t want to go though! Because neurotypical people are seeing the whole world through their lens. If you were in an office full of autistic people then you wouldn’t have to put up with any of this nonsense: you could just do your work and go home.

I once worked somewhere where it was expected that I would go rock climbing with colleagues at weekends 😂 and hang around in a canteen area and socialise with them at lunchtime. Insane.

Look at all the posters asking why you don’t want to go though

It is easier to help someone make an excuse if you know their reason for not wanting to go. That was a long time coming from the OP.

OP can you just say that you struggle with social situations and get anxiety about events like this? The truth is often the most credible. They don’t sound like mean people so they might understand?

I hate team socialising. I would just say you have after work commitments and you can't make it

Can't you go and have a first drink with them, and may be a starter, then leave. Blame kids' homework, dog, decorating, IBS.

I'm just honest and say I get anxiety in loud environments with lots of people

Basic courtesy has nothing to do with it. She doesn’t want to go. What would make you feel really uncomfortable? Something that you really don’t want to do. Let’s force you to do it. @Cindyhadayellowcar if you don’t want to go, don’t. I go to most things with work but have never tried to get someone who replied no to come. You don’t have to justify your choice not to attend either. You’re paid to work with your colleagues not socialise with them. And I guarantee when it comes to paying one person takes the piss.

That is true.

What I meant in that someone else who is autistic is unlikely to ask that to start with, as their viewpoint is more likely to be: “Why WOULD you want to go?!” (which, again, is seeing the world from the perspective of your own neurotype, which we all tend to do I suppose!)

I'd go. Why not? You might even enjoy it. It doesn't have to be frequent thing. Maybe a one off or once every 6 months.

@Cindyhadayellowcar be honest and explain why it's not your thing. ND no longer need to be hidden and workplaces are also supposed to adapt and accommodate. Your colleagues will be OK with the truth and won't push you . If you make something up, you will open up a can of worms

"It is easier to help someone make an excuse if you know their reason for not wanting to go. That was a long time coming from the OP."

But I did say why in my OP - I don't want to. That's the long and short of it.

I'm enjoying the posts saying I don't have to go if it's that much of an ordeal to me - but my team don't know I am ND so I think the earlier advice that it's just not on to completely avoid them still stands. I mean - they probably do know a bit because they're not idiots, but it's not something I want to officially state.

Just say you dont want to go.

I never go to work socials. It's not my thing. My colleagues know this. It's not an issue and we're still friends IN work.

My work life and home life don't mix. Not personal numbers no social media, no activity outside of work.

Feel free not to attend but work is about trust so you'll have to remember that when you don't get given the more interesting projects and are passed over for promotion.

It's a professional necessity (or near that) for some jobs. You'll have the best idea of whether or not it is for your job.

How about, "I've come to realise that work socials really aren't my thing, so I won't be joining the rest of you, but I hope you all have a really good time."

If it'd be easier for you and if you can afford to, you could chip in roughly the cost of a meal towards the cost. That way, you do something for the team without having to endure an evening of your life doing something you wouldn't enjoy.

Though your team do not know have you declared to your workplace and is this a diagnosis you have from a professional?

I worked with a guy who had declared his autism to the University we worked for. If he had situations he couldn’t tolerate everyone understood. We were at a big inaugural lecture once and it was very noisy due to the Prof screening clips of battles. He told me he had to leave, I just said don’t worry and we all just knew he had to go.

What sort of sector do you work in?

Sorry see you don’t want to officially state.

In that case they may just see you as a bit cold or unsociable.

I worked in two places that had social stuff all the time. Most free but some we had to pay for. Any idea how often they socialise?

If you can manage I think the poster that’s said go along to sort of one in five get togethers is a good idea. Plus consider suggesting somewhere you already know. Plus if it’s an unknown place just go and scope it out. You could go there before or at least look online at the layout and menu. Decide what you want beforehand and go with a combo of choices depending on the sort of ‘are we having starters’ type of conversation that can happen.

I never know what are safe topics of conversation for work social events. That is where I struggle.

Obviously work topics are off the table. Not sure what else could work in a social situation where alcohol is present.