Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

[Cindyhadayellowcar]

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

No, you've mis read what the previous poster has written. It's not that you come across as not liking them as much as your friends. It's that you come across as not liking them that much at all.

These are people that you are spending large chunks of your week with, and it helps if you give a little to forge stronger social links between you all. If you don't want to give up an evening to have dinner, why not suggest a team lunch or quick drink after work? It still shows that you are willing to join in and to see them as more than just another cog in the work machine that you are forced to interact with.

I'm someone who is always keen to socialise with new people & would invite you out too.

I'd not be offended if you said that you are autistic and find socialising outside of work too much - I have colleagues who are the same and have said so.

If you just said no, I don't want to, I might be a bit sad not to see you out, especially if I like you and would prob keep asking assuming you are shy and/or lonely, usually giving up after a few times & assuming you don't like me/other colleagues/pubs/noise/people in general.

Honestly OP, you come across so well on this thread and your self awareness is so heartwarming. I always worked in jolly sociable teams and still I think it’s absolutely fine for you to say quite clearly - I love working with you all but work socialising is just not my thing and I have promised myself I won’t put myself through it any more. But go, have a fun time and tell me about it afterwards. I would accept and understand that and so would most people I think.

Can I ask why? Genuine question, why do we need to invest in building social ties with work colleagues? I don't need to be friends with my colleagues socially, I just need to behave professionally and like a decent human whilst at work surely?
I don't need to see them outside of work. If people want to, that's fine, but what if someone doesn't? Does it make you any less of a good colleague if you don't go for Friday night drinks or whatever?

You are assuming that all work colleagues are like yours.

They aren't. You need to stop projecting.

I like and get on well with my workmates. If there was something social going on I would go.

40hrs a week st work .. I think its fine to not go to work dos other than very occasionally and if you want to go. Just say I love you all guys , but I spend so many hours at work, when it's done I really need the few hours I get for me n friends/family/ whatever.

I'll try and come, but don't plan around me ... im a bit anti social once the clock strikes 18h

I'd probably find a way of saying it that sets up the rule for you. It's fine not to want tp socialise after work with people you depend all day with. Life us short snd we don't usually get to choose our colleagues!

Good luck

I think it’s nice they want to spend time with you. You should make an effort occasionally.

I had a friend who was similar, I really like her humor, she needed help in social situations and I helped her navigate others.

In some ways she always felt ostracized in work, thought only X happened to her, and during these socials, she discovered it wasn’t just her - it was others as well and this led to a sense of belonging.

she made a few other friends after that and was a lot more settled at work.

That's a shame they don't adapt. We have a Muslim person on my team who won't go to pubs so we do a meal in a restaurant when she comes

@Cindyhadayellowcar do they know you're neurodivergent?
I would say that you get exhausted after work and just need to head home but suggest you have lunch together sometimes (as you have to do that anyway) and thank them for inviting and including you and say you appreciate that.
That's enough not to cause bad blood.

I disagree with most on this thread. I have 3 people on my current team that won't join socials (I am the manager), and that's completely fine with us.
Even for team building days, they will come to the day activities but generally leave for the evening drinks/dinner. We usually work around this by organising lunch instead.

So I can tell you the way they talk about it, I personally find it perfectly fine.

1. one of them has a busy social life with friends and family, and is often out and about on week nights and weekends. She like to have a couple of nights in at home to relax so just doesn't have space for more social events.

1. another lives with her partner and family (common in her culture). She doesn't drink, and rarely go out to bars or restaurants because she doesn't enjoy it. She spends a lot of time with her family, doing DIY and hobbies at home, and also has pets that needs caring. She is neuro divergent as well, so find any social events draining on top of her work day.

I think the reason we don't get offended is because it's nothing to do with us and they are quite open about it. Their life is just organised differently (note than none of them have kids), they don't have space for work socials, and don't really enjoy the things we do.