Gift causing rift

[AuntyFloshankie]

Name change for this. My adult children have asked me to post to get outside views.

Briefly my son arranged a city break in Europe as a gift for his girlfriend of 2+ years.

He thinks he put heart and soul into his search for their hotel, in terms of location, facilities and even decor.

He pushed his budget as he thought he’d found the perfect one and could only afford it at the non refundable rate.

His girlfriend doesn’t like the hotel. The rift it’s causing is threatening to end their relationship.

Harsh words have been exchanged on BOTH sides. My son is upset and he has said some nasty things. Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like and there is nothing positive about the hotel he has booked.

The hotel is central, has a pool, large rooms and fabulous reviews on Tripadvisor.

My son’s current stance is that he cannot amend the booking ( he did try) and he is going with or without her, even if this means their relationship ends.

I think we would all welcome independent views.

What nasty things has your son said?

What is he expecting? To get you to post this and show his GF how a load of anonymous women on this Internet agree with him and so the GF is wrong?

To fight so much and end a relationship over this suggests there are other aspects at play.

Yes exactly! Why is everyone glossing over the “nasty things” said by OP’s son? Conflict will arise in relationships no matter what, the question is how they treat each other when it does.

She's ungrateful. I'd go without her!

I like her. She has a strong personality and the get up and go my son sometimes lacks.
She does come from a significantly wealthier background, which has been a source of friction on occasion.
To answer what nasty things my son said it was along the lines of her being ungrateful and spoiled.

It’s not one of those hotel rooms where there is a clear wall at the toilet and you can look in at people on it is it? I only ask because we nearly booked a hotel like that and I would have hated it, apparently there are a few like it😂 a friend made the mistake and they had to take turns waiting outside the hotel room because nobody wanted to see each other taking a dump!!!

I don’t think it’s “the” relationship to save tbh, booking a holiday should never resort to “nastiness” on either side, nor can you throw a possible relationship ending tantrum over a room because… apparently for no real reason. Sounds very dramatic and like they already can’t stand each other.

They don’t communicate effectively, they clearly aren’t compatible travel companions, they can’t resolve their conflicts without involving everyone else. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, holidays shouldn’t be this hard.

Tell him to go alone and enjoy himself. One day hopefully they’ll both meet someone’s eyes across (very) different hotel foyers and find their soulmates but for now, it doesn’t sound like they’re “the one”.

I also had to is a couple of times with an ex. I’d wanted a specific (not bank breaking by any means) piece of jewellery, he surprised me with a child’s necklace from a high street shop. Of course I was ungrateful….

OP, the issue with AIBU In general is we only get one perspective (even if it seems clear cut), and here we’re getting the third hand view. It’s difficult to tell who’s being unreasonable without knowing why the GF is upset. But if it’s lead to nastiness on both sides and your son going regardless I think the relationship is very much done. Maybe he’ll take you instead.

Judging by what you have shared OP.She sounds spoilt and ungrateful. I think if they stay together your son.will "keep getting it wrong: and there will always be issues like this. Its a hotel how bad can it be?

Tbh your comment about her being from a wealthier background I think might be the crux- he is filling stretching himself financially to get the best he can, but it’s not up to the standard to which she’s used to… so yes she’s spoilt

Two year relationship.... Any chance she was thinking he was planning to propose on the trip and the hotel either isn't somewhere she saw herself staying on her proposal trip, or the hotel screams this is not that kind of trip??
It could be a dozen different issues but broadly they either need to comunicate and get to the heart of the issue or decide that this is something to break up over. Is the hotel, and being 'right', more important or less important than the relationship itself to them.

Maybe the hotel wasn't "good enough" because she's from a wealthier background and is used to a more expensive type of hotel than he booked.

I think these planning a holiday as a surprise or as in this case, with the knowledge of the other person but booking without them being involved often go wrong. See the other recent thread about the person who booked a surprise day trip to London for her sister who then wasn't keen.
Lesson for the future for him is to involve the other person even if he is going to pay for it and be very clear about the budget and offer a choice of a few hotels within that budget.

Doesn't sound like these two are compatible though. They have both said nasty things to each other.

It's awful that your son has asked you to come on here with only his side of the story to get " back up " from a bunch of women's opinions of her to what end?
To rub it in her face?

She deserves better than this.

Your son is a walking red flag op.

I agree that not everyone likes "surprises"! Many of like to be involved in the planning .looking forward to ,and enjoying the holiday.It sounds like RL is in trouble anyway!

Ah, you’re back @AuntyFloshankie

So, what did the “heart and soul” entail?

Don't get involved.

Hmm
I can see that phrase might have been a bit OTT.
He put together a list of requirements, based on previous trips and what they’d liked and disliked.
He allocated a budget for the trip which was just short of a month’s take home pay. He spent many hours over several days looking through booking websites and then comparing reviews of the ‘best’ ones.
I suppose he was pleased with sorting everything out and he really did think he had pushed the boat out and got the perfect place.
It appears he was wrong and now things have just got very out of hand.

God, he just needs to get rid. Awful girl. I know someone who married someone who sounds like this (also a “strong personality” used to the finer things in life and not afraid to say it and have a go at her boyfriend/husband). They had a child and he’s had four years of living hell since he decided to split with her. Turns out her legal fees fund is bottomless and she finds taking him to court over various things amusing. He won’t be shot of her until their child is 18. Your son shouldn’t be with someone who thinks it’s okay to do treat someone else like this. It’s really not.

SHE deserves better? I’d say he does. She sounds like a spoiled brat of the highest order.

It sounds like she does not appreciate the practical, financial and emotional effort he has put into this.
Can he message her to explain calmly why her reaction has upset him so much? An apology for the name calling (even if it may seem deserved) may also be deserved.
if she cannot respond gracefully then I’d say it does not bode well for a relationship

I didn’t think of this but it actually makes sense.
From what we can tell here, she does sound like a spoilt brat and maybe has seen too many influencers jetting off to 5* hotels that they either aren’t actually staying in, or haven’t paid for themselves?

This seems very much like a damned if he does, damned if he doesn't sort of post.

So being lazy can be seen as controlling, as can being decisive?

Asking for people's opinions (peer review) is also controlling? Her family will obviously side with her, his with him... so lets put this out there to see a more unbiased opinion - seems sensible to me.

Asking mum to do it? - Well, she has a MN account, he probably doesn't (OP actually said adult children , not 'just' him suggesting it), and if he had typed it, as a man, on MN, he'd probably have put his own slant on it, and would have been creamed!

Or maybe he was hoping for a bit of approval/appreciation... It's a gift. Common courtesy is thanks, and in this situation "I appreciate this was a lot of money for you, the surprise is appreciated, I'm not really sure it's my thing but lets give it a go"... not "the hotel is all wrong, I don't want to go" drama.

She sounds ungrateful. He spent ALL the money he had on a gift, for her.

This sounds very much like a "you bought me a blue Ferrari and I wanted a red one!!! 😡

I'm 99% siding with him on this one, but if possible, find out what she didn't like about it.

If I were her, I’d assume none of that. From anyone, but especially a lazy person.
Spent hours over multiple days reading hotel reviews? I honestly can’t even imagine that.

I get that not everyone is like me: search parameters set on booking.com, cross check for minimum rating on tripadvisor, quick scan of recent 1 star reviews: 30 mins tops.

But it wouldn’t cross my mind that someone could spend hours researching one hotel for a city break.

Of course one should be polite and grateful for a 10 minute action too. But it might explain some of the disconnect why he feels so hard done by and he thinks she’s ungrateful.

Only he knows if there is a wider pattern of selfishness and ingratitude. But if there was, why would he need to ask his mum? And having asked his mum, why could she not ask about that wider pattern instead of taking to MN.

There’ll never be enough info for us to know who is behaving badly, or worst.

And now he wants you to post on MN asking for other people's views based only on his view of the situation... which is a huge red flag for control and manipulation.

Um no it’s not. Literally every AIBU post is someone asking for other people’s views based only on their view of the situation. Is that also a huge red flag for control and manipulation? She hardly sounds like a victim if she’s kicking off to this degree either.

Agree, I think it's really odd to ask your mum to go in search of other opinions to back you up.

If you’re in a controlling or gaslighting relationship it’s not that odd because you start to question your own version of things. Not saying this is the case here but I’d see it more as something a victim would do than a controlling person. A controlling person wouldn’t need strangers to judge their choices - they’d be convinced they were in the right.