Gift causing rift

[AuntyFloshankie]

Name change for this. My adult children have asked me to post to get outside views.

Briefly my son arranged a city break in Europe as a gift for his girlfriend of 2+ years.

He thinks he put heart and soul into his search for their hotel, in terms of location, facilities and even decor.

He pushed his budget as he thought he’d found the perfect one and could only afford it at the non refundable rate.

His girlfriend doesn’t like the hotel. The rift it’s causing is threatening to end their relationship.

Harsh words have been exchanged on BOTH sides. My son is upset and he has said some nasty things. Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like and there is nothing positive about the hotel he has booked.

The hotel is central, has a pool, large rooms and fabulous reviews on Tripadvisor.

My son’s current stance is that he cannot amend the booking ( he did try) and he is going with or without her, even if this means their relationship ends.

I think we would all welcome independent views.

@Foxblue yes, this. I also had a very relaxed boyfriend who almost never organized anything and when he did do something, totally half arsed, I had to be super grateful.

There's a lot more to this and your son isn't giving you the full picture. Stay out of it.

Unless she was trying to break up and finding reasons to exit!

In response to suggestions that my son might be controlling, he is generally very laid back, almost to the point of laziness.
Surprisingly enough this can be a form of control and manipulation within a relationship.

And now he wants you to post on MN asking for other people's views based only on his view of the situation... which is a huge red flag for control and manipulation.

Oh... and you didn't want to but here this thread is - control and manipulation again.

Maybe he kept asking her whether she liked it until she showed enough appreciation for his hard work but she just got irritated with him trying to get to to say he's the bestest boyfriend eva! Control and manipulation.

Stay out of it, and open your eyes to see if your ds is showing other unhealthy traits, and decide from that.

If the girlfriend is this much of a spoilt and ungrateful brat knowing the time, effort and expense he’s been to and it means the end of the relationship he’s got a lucky escape and good riddance

If either of them is willing to end a relationship over a subjectively, slightly, sub-par hotel room on a city break where almost no time is spent in the hotel room

then WTF will happen when actual adversity is encountered?

I'd leave them to it but really hope he goes with a pal and they break up.

She sounds a spoiled madam...

As others have said, your son could go with a friend.

If the GF is going to be this 'difficult' this early into the relationship, your son has a right to be concerned about compatibility.

Does he usually leave the planning to her and she's asked him to get involved? Rather than plan with her, he then hasn't consulted her at all? There needs to be middle ground. If there's tok much been said, there might be no way back.

When DH and I had been together 2 years, I’d have gone anywhere just to be where he was, married 30 years now and I’d still follow him most places! Doesn’t sound like the relationship is very stable if they’re rowing about a holiday which should be a highlight, but really OP I’d stay out of it - none of your business.

I need to see the hotel to comment, it all sounds very dramatic, how on earth will they cope with life's serious decisions in the future.

I'm going to make some assumptions and guess that the hotel doesn't fit the aesthetic she would prefer. It might have the pool, etc, but is probably still 90's decor. Not the sort she'd want to be instagramming from the balcony (which by the way would cost a LOT more for).

I may be way off, but if that is the case then he should just go on his own and enjoy the extra space in his bed.

Maybe they've each put the other on the defensive and are attacking each other as a consequence. Your poor DS. Sounds like he's done for her what he'd like done for him and now feels rejected, disappointed etc. She on the other hand goes on the defensive when she's not in control.

As long as the hotel is safe and clean I don't see the problem. And it's got a pool!

Maybe she was expecting something alot more expensive? Well she should have paid for it then.

Maybe no one ever told her it's the thought that counts?

If she has a legitimate issue with the hotel, she could offer to split the cost of old and new one.

I am positive that's what I would do, I would say thank you so much for booking but I'm really not keen on 'xyz'....

You don't throw a gift back in your partner's face. It's not as if he booked that hotel to spite her?

You are being wise to keep out of it. It seems she's telling your son who she is.

What “nasty things” has your son said?

sounds like there’s a bigger issue here rather than just the hotel.

At this point the hotel and flights are booked and your DS would stand to lose a lot of money on both if he wasn't to go.
If I were him, I'd be asking her to spell out really clearly what exactly she has an issue with in relation to the hotel. Until such time as she gives an actual answer rather than "I don't like it" which is what she's currently coming back with, she is coming across as a petulant child. I'm not buying that she may have wanted to be more involved in the organising - if this was a surprise for her, she couldn't have been involved or the surprise wouldn't have been possible.

Lastly, if I were him, I'd go on the trip with a mate and tell GF that it's over. She has shown her not so nice side when he was trying to organise something nice for the pair of them and he's not going to have to walk this tightrope, so he is ending the relationship.

I'm with your son. She sounds ungrateful. His put the thought, time, money and effort in to it. He didn't have to do so and I certainly wouldn't do it gain for her. Personally if my fh was like that about me treating him I would walk away. She could have just said thank you for the gesture, it's not to my taste however I am sure we will enjoy it as we are together. Then she could of said in future maybe we can decide together until we both know what the other looks for when travelling.

I’m having difficulty understanding this. If it’s a decent clean hotel in a safe district, which good reviews would suggest, what is the problem?
Surely if the GF wants to spend time with your son it doesn’t have to be the ‘perfect’ hotel?
Does this trip have special significance or meaning where getting everything ‘right’ is important? If not this may be a valuable learning opportunity for you son. Imagine a life time of having to meet these standards, imagine arranging a wedding. Hope he has a lovely weekend away whether it’s on his own or not.

If a question of which nice hotel to sleep in for 2-3 nights is causing this much friction, the relationship is already dead.

What is your view generally of the girlfriend?

She sounds horrible. Even if my partner had booked a youth hostel I’d still be grateful and happy to go on holiday. And I’m surprised someone said the DS was potentially controlling- if anyone sounds controlling here, it’s the girlfriend.

Anyway this isn’t a normal or healthy relationship. They should split before it goes further or they get married or have kids. Some men let their girlfriends act in this disgusting way, thinking they are just fiesty or spirited but you’d have to be pretty entitled and narcissistic to start kicking off about something like this.

Obviously this advice would be different if huge relevant backstory etc.

He will.have a miserable time if the go, she will moan about it, they will continue to have words, she'll sulk, it's just not worth the grief, I'd take a mate instead or go on his own.

I’m surprised how many responses are so strongly against the girlfriend.

Although we can’t know what actually happened, but even his own mother’s retelling starts with him being nasty and her response following that.

“Harsh words have been exchanged on BOTH sides. My son is upset and he has said some nasty things. Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like and there is nothing positive about the hotel he has booked.”

So, I’m curious how nasty. And what she said before that.
There’s a whole range from not realising it was non refundable and genuinely thinking she was being asked for an opinion, and being a spoilt brat.

As I said above - I’m getting vibes from “heart and soul” over something that takes 2 minutes on the internet, and they’re not good vibes.

What “nasty things” were said? The hotel room is only part of the issue. If one or the other of them was particularly cruel over such a silly issue that does not bode well for the relationship.

She sounds awful. Even if it wasn’t perfect. You spend most time out and about and if you love your partner you appreciate the effort they made for you. You laugh and have fun anyway. If I was your son, I’d get rid of her asap and take a sibling or a pal and have a ball.