Gift causing rift

[AuntyFloshankie]

Name change for this. My adult children have asked me to post to get outside views.

Briefly my son arranged a city break in Europe as a gift for his girlfriend of 2+ years.

He thinks he put heart and soul into his search for their hotel, in terms of location, facilities and even decor.

He pushed his budget as he thought he’d found the perfect one and could only afford it at the non refundable rate.

His girlfriend doesn’t like the hotel. The rift it’s causing is threatening to end their relationship.

Harsh words have been exchanged on BOTH sides. My son is upset and he has said some nasty things. Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like and there is nothing positive about the hotel he has booked.

The hotel is central, has a pool, large rooms and fabulous reviews on Tripadvisor.

My son’s current stance is that he cannot amend the booking ( he did try) and he is going with or without her, even if this means their relationship ends.

I think we would all welcome independent views.

I'm also wondering if it's something like this, and the description of the son as 'laid back' and how it's a big deal for him to book this trip makes me wonder if it's similar to a previous relationship dynamic I had, where I booked all the trips, taking into account both of our personal preferences, and he booked nothing, and then when he finally booked a trip he took absolutely zero of my preferences into account and clearly didn't look much beyond the first three hotels - meanwhile he could do extensive, specific research, planning and execution for his hobby.

Is she a big SM poster? Maybe she doesn't think the holiday pics will be good enough to share?

Your poor DS It sounds like he took a lot of trouble. Maybe the GF feels a bit out of control.

Let me guess - she has an Instagram page and posts endless tiresome photos of herself "living her best life"?

I'm inclined to agree. Your son should change the room type to twin beds and either go with a sibling, friend, or his mother. Or even alone.

Your son's girlfriend sounds very rude in how she's reacted to a lovely gesture by your son. Perhaps they're not suited longer term. 🌹

We’ve just been through something similar. The relationship is now over and I’m glad. Nasty, ungrateful, demanding little bastard. My son would’ve had a life of misery.

Too late for your son, but people should really stop gifting expensive surprises.

So many threads recently where surprises have back fired.

He thinks he put heart and soul into his search for their hotel, in terms of location, facilities and even decor.

This made me raise my eyebrow I’ll admit.
Heart and soul into clicking on booking.com?
Or actual heart and soul? I’m just getting a spidey sense about someone who is laid back “almost” to point of lazy. Because that usually means actually lazy.
Combined with a rather OTT description for finding star sounds like a pretty mainstream hotel… something feels off.

Bottom line though, when people act unreasonably over something that’s on the face of it reasonable, I think it’s either about something entirely different, or the relationship is just DONE.

Unless there is something major missing here the gf is a spoilt, entitled brat, and I really feel your son’s disappointment. If she isn’t going to pay him for this wasted trip I hope he has a friend he can treat.

What's abundantly clear is that these two shouldn't be together.

If you can't go away for a weekend without Eastenders-level drama, there's something amiss.

It's not a question of who's right and who's wrong, it's a simple question of incompatibility.

The fact that she thinks this:

Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like

means that their relationship is effectively over any way.

I think this is just an excuse.

Another good point here.

My ex used to buy me clothes as gifts even though I was constantly telling him I'd rather buy them myself so I can try things on first, as A) I have a very particular sense of style, and B) I have a really awkward figure and honestly most things don't fit right.

He'd always buy things a size too small and NEVER get a gift receipt. He was of the opinion that exchanging gifts was rude and ungrateful, even if it's for the exact same thing in a different size.

He'd also always make a show of how much he spent but never bother wrapping anything. Christmas presents were always in the packaging they came through the letterbox in (online shopping always) and on my birthday he used to come to me in the morning and ask me for a pen, then come back 2 minutes later having written my card. It was like he was trying to simultaneously show off how much money he'd spent and how little effort he'd made. It made me really sad actually. I'd have much preferred a cheap gift with some thought and effort put into it.

But then, he was a raging narcissist and a sociopath.

she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like

I know we have threads on here where men buy their wives a gift that actually only benefits the guy, so if your son has form for that sort of thing, I can see her point. If he's not like that then she sounds spoilt, tbh.

But yes, keep out of it, as if they stay together everything you say will be told to her and she'll be a nightmare.

I would be breaking up the relationship if I knew my relationship was being discussed with dp's parents /relatives and then to add insult posted on a public forum.
That is even before a surprise gift / holiday came into it.
Thankfully my dh respects me enough not to talk to family / randoms about our business, nor do I.

Well, they should agree to disagree, it's non refundable.
He thought it was good, she doesn't. so either she can stay at home, or suck it up & they agree that next time they will plan together.
Sounds like he has now discovered she is an ungrateful prima donna

Whether it's true or not, OP was asked to post to get opinions

Tell him to go either alone or with a friend and thank his lucky stars that he's escaped from the ungrateful, avaricious woman.

Don’t get involved.
but they need to have an adult discussion “can’t see anything to like” isn’t a respectful conversation. Neither is “can’t see anything not to like”
pits a ridiculous reason to break up. She needs to explain what she does like, what’s lacking and what she doesn’t like about this hotel (he can ask). He can explain the reasons why he did think it would be ok.
eg: it has a bathroom, a pool, a Tv and looks clean so I thought it would be decent - her: I like a pool and a tv, Wi-Fi and something more modern. There’s no Wi-Fi and that’s important
there, now they understand! And he can get data for her…. See what I mean??

I’m sorry, if my either of my children behaved like this when gifted a weekend away I’d be appalled. She sounds very ungrateful and - I hate this word - entitled. He’s hardly booked the YMCA, has he?

It’s sad that a 2 year relationship may end this way, but he should go alone (or maybe see if a mate can get a cheap flight and join him). If I were in his shoes, she be my exGF.

If my DH did this for me, I’d be delighted.

Yep. My son can now move on with his life in freedom

I would be annoyed if someone I've been with booked a hotel that I wouldn't like, shows he hasn't really been paying close attention to my likes/preferences at all.

I'd not be going with him if I felt like
I'd be fine with seeing this as the end.

I doubt he has actually put his heart and soul into it if he is laid back to point of being horizontal, you must mean he's put in a slight but off effort to actually do anything for her and is overplaying his attempt.

He must know her enough by now to know she wouldn't like a surprise like this, if not then he's got the reaction he deserves.

I hate it when people arrange surprises but take no actual consideration into the person they're supposedly doing it for and act offended and hard done by when others don't roll over with gratitude.

At the end of the day they don't sound compatible so no point carrying on with each other.

This ^^
Your son sounds thoughtful and kind. Poor lad.
She sounds like an immature spoiled brat.

I think he can do better.

She sounds like a spoiled madam.

The only thing that I can think of is that she's looking for a luxury hotel with a spa and beauty salon?

My late husband and I loved the hotel where we spent our honeymoon. We later discovered that a couple of other couples had demanded a change of hotel because the hotel didn't have a hairdresser...