Gift causing rift

[AuntyFloshankie]

Name change for this. My adult children have asked me to post to get outside views.

Briefly my son arranged a city break in Europe as a gift for his girlfriend of 2+ years.

He thinks he put heart and soul into his search for their hotel, in terms of location, facilities and even decor.

He pushed his budget as he thought he’d found the perfect one and could only afford it at the non refundable rate.

His girlfriend doesn’t like the hotel. The rift it’s causing is threatening to end their relationship.

Harsh words have been exchanged on BOTH sides. My son is upset and he has said some nasty things. Possibly because she was provoked she has accused him of deliberately booking somewhere he knew she wouldn’t like and there is nothing positive about the hotel he has booked.

The hotel is central, has a pool, large rooms and fabulous reviews on Tripadvisor.

My son’s current stance is that he cannot amend the booking ( he did try) and he is going with or without her, even if this means their relationship ends.

I think we would all welcome independent views.

Hmmm, then there are a huge amount of others doing a 'low thing' on Mumsnet, given all the stories over the years about how 'my DP, MIL, SIL, DS, DD, DM, DF' etc have behaved.

Based on your account of events, which is based on your son's account only, then the girlfriend sounds like an absolute horror and a complete spoiled princess.

However, I think I'd need to hear the girlfriend's account of all this too. I'm wondering whether the girlfriend's account might be 'My boyfriend booked us a hotel for a city break without asking me, which was a nice gift, but he's chosen the kind of hotel that he likes but I hate and it's in a really bad area that's miles from the city. It's meant to be a gift for me so I said that I appreciated the thought but could we maybe change to a different hotel? He says no because it's non-refundable. I asked him why he'd booked something non-refundable without checking with me first, and he massively kicked off, called me an ungrateful bitch and said he'll go without me. Then he went and phoned his mother to moan about me and ask her advice, despite this being a private argument between two adults."

There's just not enough information here to say who is being unreasonable.

I agree!! If they're adults they can sort it out themselves, absolutely nothing to do with you or the other adult DC.

Why are you involved to the extent of posting on here?! Let them get on with it.

Why are you so involved?

Without knowing what she thinks the issue with the hotel is, it's hard to say.

She does sound ungrateful - but I suppose there is possibly a good reason that she wouldn't like the hotel, and that he should have known about.

Actually I agree about not wanting to get involved. I don’t want to. She says her family support her view, but I have no intention of speaking to her or them. This is for my son to sort out.
In terms of what is wrong with the hotel I genuinely don’t know. It looks fine to me, but I’m not going.
In response to suggestions that my son might be controlling, he is generally very laid back, almost to the point of laziness. It was quite a big thing for him to organise and book this. They had agreed on the city and the dates. Maybe she just wanted to be more involved in the planning.

If I were the girlfriend I think I'd be put off by the running-to-mummy bit. Why can't your son get his own Mumsnet account?

Message to your son - ditch the girlfriend and find someone who is less high maintenance. There are much nicer girls out there who won’t be bratty about a nice surprise.

Wild guess but it's not one with the bathroom as part of the main room is it, where poorly frosted glass is the only thing separating you and your room mate... I hate those too

Quite honestly if she’s going to kick up a fuss over a lovely treat and then run to mummy I’d suggest it might not be a bad thing if the relationship ends.

Typical narcissistic behaviour. Nothing will ever be good enough for her.

Great point. No, it’s not. I hate those too.

Is that definitely the issue or is it...
He booked the hotel as a gift but she is stressing about the cost of the rest of the holiday?
I know that's completely different to what you said but rule it out!
I say that as someone "paid for me to go on holiday" somewhere he wanted to go but it caused me loads of stress as I spent £400 when we were there on things he wanted to do and I wasn't bothered about.
So although he would say it was a lovely thing to do it wasn't as it caused me to spend £400 I really couldn't afford on something he wanted to do not what I would have chosen to do.

Tell your son to get a new girlfriend and take her!

I'm really trying to think of something that would make me react in the way she has, but I'm drawing a blank. Is there something she has a particular aversion to or fear of? Phobia of clowns and he's taken her to a very fancy clown themed hotel?! Honestly even if the hotel didn't live up to the tripadvisor hype, you could still have a laugh about the bad bits and enjoy the holiday for what it is, and certainly I'd appreciate the gesture.

I suppose it would be good to hear her side of it... there's a chance she's dealing with something you don't know about. It's very sad that your son has said some nasty things that he regrets, but I'm really struggling to think how this is anything other than an ungrateful girlfriend.

Your son must be crushed, poor thing.

Thank you for this suggestion.
She does not lack money.

I think his life will be happier without her

She must have told your son what she thinks is wrong with the hotel though?

My guess is that there’s a lot of backstory that you’re not a party too.

One Xmas, my XH got me a video camera.
He could have posted on here that I didn’t want it, and I’d have sounded like spoilt brat, and people would have replied, “tell her it’s a box of Roses next year”.
The truth was I’d said I was thinking of getting one myself, but wanted to do some research, but not the type like his mum had - and he “surprise!” got me the same model as his mum - and from an eBay second hand seller so no returns. Then he got the arse with me for not being “grateful”.
I can’t tell you how sad and frustrated I was - gutted to have been ignored, knowing it’s cos he bought what he wanted, and no outlet because how can you complain to your mates about a £100 present?

Maybe there’s actually nothing wrong with this hotel, maybe she even does actually like it. But maybe there’s a reason you don’t know about. Maybe she specifically asked him not to go non-refundable, or not to break the budget. Just an example, not saying this has happened, but maybe this is the straw that broke the camel’s back with her constant trying to stop him breaking budgets.

Or maybe she’s a brat.

But whatever has happened:

• I’m certain you don’t know all of it
• you shouldn’t get involved
• this has clearly run its course and should be ended

I wouldn't be with someone that ungrateful, I would love it if my partner booked us a capsule motel for a weekend away!!! It's the thought and a lovely trip round a new city. I couldnt be doing with that high maintenance so good on him for choosing his own self before a bad relationship

But from OP's updates it sounds like the gf has also gone running to mummy, albeit without the posting on MN.

I got rather cross when DH booked a city break for us (he never books anything and I’d asked him to do the legwork this one time). The one thing I asked for was a quiet room as I’m a light sleeper. He booked something bang on a main road. The reviews were very positive overall due to nice decor etc but lots of the reviews (if he’d actually read them… ) mentioned noise issues.

Maybe it’s something like that?

Honestly without further information none of us can have a sensible view. And nor can you.

Oh God yes. This could be symptomatic of a narcissist girlfriend. Have there been any other red flags in that area? If so, tell him to run a mile.

Taking this at face value she's an ungrateful madam and I would certainly be going without her

I have asked him this question during the many times he has spoken to me about this. He says she said it wasn’t the one she would have chosen and she can’t see anything to like about it. He can’t see anything to dislike, so they are at a bit of an impasse.