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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have given her extra food?

928 replies

jerkorperk · 18/06/2024 19:52

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about Blush The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 18/06/2024 23:38

I think the kids mum could have definitely worded the message better BUT two slices of cake one after the other is just ridiculous! Faaaaaar too much. I bet she threw up when she got home so no wonder her mum was annoyed. It’s ok to say no to a child op!

AmelieTaylor · 18/06/2024 23:40

Procrastinates · 18/06/2024 20:05

You would have been genuinely happy with your child having two dinners, two pieces of cake and popcorn in the space of a few hours?

@Procrastinates

you have absolutely no idea if the quantities, so 🤷🏻‍♀️

id be happy someone was looking after my child and was thoughtful enough to share their cake etc & not leave her out.

IF the child has any any allergies, eating disorders or whatever, the onus is on the Mum to tell the OP. She didn't say the child wasn't allowed anything in addition to her packed lunch.

Hazelville · 18/06/2024 23:45

AgentJohnson · 18/06/2024 20:53

The child’s mother was rude but that was too much food, the two slices of cake was overkill.

The child didn’t finish the second slice. Sometimes it’s good for kids to learn what their limits are. Plus you have no idea how big the slices were.

coastalhawk · 18/06/2024 23:47

That is very bizarre and possibly she projected judgement onto you and/or is neurotic about food. I would just stay neutral and explain the situation. She may be feeling bad about her tone.

Justleaveitblankthen · 18/06/2024 23:47

sprigatito · 18/06/2024 19:56

I'd probably reply that no further instructions will be necessary, since you won't be providing childcare again. Rude, ungrateful cow!

This!
Bloody hell 😡

coastalhawk · 18/06/2024 23:51

People commenting seem so quick to lose entire friendships over a rude badly thought out text...! and then the next thread will be about not having ny more friends.... give people the benefit of the doubt or a second chance fgs! But yes I agree it's ruse and neurotic, but I would explain and say you feel a bit hurt by reaction cos of x. See what happens.

Femme2804 · 18/06/2024 23:54

That mum its very rude. Even if she doesn’t like it she should suck it up. If she really doesn’t like it she should dont let her daughter play in your house anymore or tell you in the first place dont give her anything.

you do nothing wrong. Its just typical ‘perfect mum’ who doesnt give their children sugar at all. Deprived kids from sweet food which i think will give them binge eating disorder when they big. Moderation its the key. But still we have to be more relax once in a while.

HcbSS · 18/06/2024 23:54

Bratty little twat. You offer her FREE childcare and she replies with that.
Poor child with a parent like that. You sound very kind OP.

Ohnobackagain · 19/06/2024 00:03

@jerkorperk I would have stopped when full T home. Maybe eaten more than I wanted if shy at your house. But I wouldn’t have dared ask for what you were having - I’d be inclined to say “your daughter asked to try what we had and as you hadn’t provided explicit instructions prohibiting c y z I said yes as I wanted her to feel welcome, so I feel you’re being a little unreasonable here”

Bbq1 · 19/06/2024 00:07

OohCookedPerfectly · 18/06/2024 20:14

What the mum provided sounds like a toddler meal to me. No wonder the girl was hungry!!

Gosh yes, the child's lunch was sufficient for a toddler not a 7 year old. No wonder the child took the opportunity to eat more

fettybord · 19/06/2024 00:10

HcbSS · 18/06/2024 23:54

Bratty little twat. You offer her FREE childcare and she replies with that.
Poor child with a parent like that. You sound very kind OP.

This!

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 19/06/2024 00:11

Oh, OP, what a horrible message to receive.

She is an obsessive nutjob, and very rude.

I would give her fairly short shrift over this. E.g “ you didn’t indicate any restrictions or rules that you wished me to observe in providing childcare today. Your Dd simply shared some of what we had for lunch.”

DreamTheMoors · 19/06/2024 00:13

I’m old, but I can’t EVER REMEMBER my mother EVER questioning me over what I ate at anybody else’s house - ever.
I find that “policing” odd and controlling and the little girl is only 7!
I think that’s a very odd thing to bring up to you, actually - I mean, why wasn’t she worried about what was on tv or what you discussed or anything else?
Why only the meal?
I truly think that’s a her problem, @jerkorperk— not a you problem.
I’d think twice before I babysat this little girl again. And that’s the saddest thing I’ve written in a long while.

muggart · 19/06/2024 00:18

You have to be gracious if another mum is helping with childcare as a favour, but i imagine many parents would be disappointed with the way you provided tonnes of sugar for her DD despite the mum packing a healthy packed lunch, even though most mums would be too polite to say anything.

AliceMcK · 19/06/2024 00:18

I keep seeing about eating rather a lot and o Costco cakes full of crap.

Everything is relative. My DD is almost 7yo and this week I’m going through her knickers that still fit but pretty worn, they are age 4-5 &5-6, I’m struggling on do I keep them or buy more. This child has (not exactly) the best diet possible, we regularly serve food “family style” it’s set out and help yourself. Dd will pull the entire salad to her, eat all the fresh fruit because siblings can’t stand fruit or veg, DD3 loves a plate of carrots, broccoli, peas and LOVES FRUIT, ANY FRUIT, unfortunately has allergies but happily works around those. Big siblings literally take the 2 bites I insist on to shut me up. Then stuff themselves with anything else, love UPF, not proud of that, but it’s so far not affected them athletically. I am slowly seeing a mental change as they join more teams, which I really hoped happed.

Sadly life and many things out of my control affected my ideal perfect organic healthy lifestyle.

Anyway my point is, my dd is exactly the same size as her sisters who despise fruit and veg, they literally wear the same clothes and have grown exactly the same. My 12yo is still wearing 7/8 cycling shorts, but food wise, complete opposites and due to circumstances had far more UPFs which I’m now trying to unwind.

Me growing up, I can’t remember when I ate anything considered ultra processed. I suspect eating sweets etc. growing up absolutely every meal was fresh and pretty much organic. I never encountered a frozen chip until I met my SIL, I was about 19 at the time and couldn’t believe they would ever take off.

I think I was extremely lucky and left the UK in my 20s and grew up in a country with very natural food habits. It was only when I moved back with small children I realised how easy it was to feed my DCs processed food. I absolutely became lazy, I own that.

I have weight issues and get “some” genetically (body shape) and some my own issues. My DDs have my genes, I was brought up on 100% fresh and healthy food options yet still have weight and food issues. Then my DH, middle class, far more proceeded and fad food in 70s/80s, BIG SWEET tooth, actually and actively ignores any kind of fresh fruit and veg. He will force a stem of broccoli in his mouth, but he dose it to look like he’s eating it, but our DDs knows he can’t stand it. Now DHs physique- he’s not put an inch on since he was 16 - he’s a stick, fit, walks for miles, excellent swimmer but absolutely shit diet.

I know my DDs friend eats at least 4 times her sister, dd friend is 7yo, sibling, born same week 10yo. Older sister in 13yo clothes, adult shoes, slim slim slim. Younger sibling, eats and eats and eats 10yo clothes, size 3 shoes and slim slim slim. Parents, one never been over size 10 naturally ( I know because menopause has made her a 12 annd she tells me) other is physically bigger and heavier than Tyson Fury. Most houses he has to bend to enter. So his children will be big.

My DNiece & DNephew , 2 years apart, same parents, one a tiny eater, literally parents forcing them to eat at age 17, the other eating adult sized meals by age 4. It was like there was no actual stop in their stomach. Growing up food needed to be managed, it was so hard not to create food issues, but as a family we were united (as were close parent friends) on how to manage limits without causing issues. Now young adults, their eating habits haven’t changed, but both EXTREMELY I can not say how extreme, but they are both athletic, both on global and county circuits for their sports.

i absolutely hate when people try to put everything in fucking ridiculous boxs especially children.

ImNotGivingAwayMyShot · 19/06/2024 00:51

DreamTheMoors · 19/06/2024 00:13

I’m old, but I can’t EVER REMEMBER my mother EVER questioning me over what I ate at anybody else’s house - ever.
I find that “policing” odd and controlling and the little girl is only 7!
I think that’s a very odd thing to bring up to you, actually - I mean, why wasn’t she worried about what was on tv or what you discussed or anything else?
Why only the meal?
I truly think that’s a her problem, @jerkorperk— not a you problem.
I’d think twice before I babysat this little girl again. And that’s the saddest thing I’ve written in a long while.

I do actually ask mine, but only to make sure they've eaten enough so know what to give them once home so they aren't hungry!

I don't think the lunch provided sounds enough for a 7 year old and it doesn't surprise me she was still hungry, especially when playing and active.

As PP have said, the second slice of cake was a bit much but if I was the mother I would just say, thanks so much for looking after and treating <child's name>, but maybe only a little bit of cake because they didn't eat dinner or were too hyper (whatever the reason was). If it's near dinner time I always text the parent to check it's okay to give them a treat, although this sounds like just after lunch and the parent didn't say not to provide snacks so absolutely no need for her to have been so rude.

She was incredibly rude and as a parent I'd be more concerned that someone who was looking after my child refused them food if they were hungry. Very easy to compensate them if they needed it. although the parents I know it's more of a taking turns than invoicing each other.

And if there were food intolerances the parent is even more unreasonable for not mentioning them beforehand.

PrincessTeaSet · 19/06/2024 01:04

Badassnameforadojo · 18/06/2024 20:02

I wouldn’t have given her two slices of cake and I’d be annoyed if you did that with my child.
Your child is much younger but you’re going to have to learn to say no. Two slices of cake is too much for a child, especially after eating a full pack lunch plus whatever other stuff you handed her.

How on earth do you know what size the slice of cake was? 2 small slices could be less cake than 1 bigger slice. Nonsensical comment

KomodoOhno · 19/06/2024 01:11

iamtheblcksheep · 18/06/2024 20:04

What was in the packed lunch?

The mother is clearly bloody paranoid about weight. Gorging on cake?

She’s clearly keeping her kid on the hungry side.

This. If it was an actual allergy or medical issue no doubt she would explain that to a babysitter. You did a kind thing OP. She clearly has food issues. The mum not the child.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/06/2024 01:19

I find this all quite concerning. A parent being unhappy that her child was given food. Providing her kid with an inadequate packed lunch, and objecting to you giving her some of what you were having. Using very inappropriate wording like “gorging”. Really worrying.

It sounds like this parent has quite serious issues with weight and is projecting them onto her child. Who you describe as petit.

I would want to speak to someone about this, I think. The school perhaps?

BeachParty · 19/06/2024 01:23

DoreenonTill8 · 18/06/2024 19:55

Unless she has allergies then you were meant to leave her hungry? Weird!!

This!
What are you supposed to be like, "nope, sorry, you can't have any, get off 🙄😁

sandyhappypeople · 19/06/2024 01:25

PrincessTeaSet · 19/06/2024 01:04

How on earth do you know what size the slice of cake was? 2 small slices could be less cake than 1 bigger slice. Nonsensical comment

Costco cakes are really big in fairness, even a small sliver of a slice is way more than enough for a 7 year old who has already eaten a packed lunch AND a dinner, let alone two slices.

I'm finding this thread a bit odd, if this was written by the mum of the child and they sent their child off to their in laws for instance, who then decided to give their child an extra dinner after they'd eaten what you sent over, then two slices of cake, then popcorn, I'm pretty sure a lot of these responses would be different 'how dare they undermine you, feed her crap against your wishes etc'.

In fairness I think OP was right to let her have either some of the dinner OR some cake OR some popcorn.. but not all three, it was obviously done in kindness, but was extremely misguided IMO, and if it made the girl ill which it very well could have done which is what would make the mum question what she'd eaten, I'd be pretty annoyed, as it really isn't in the girls best interest to give her all that, even if she asked for it.

yumyumyumy · 19/06/2024 01:26

She's so rude and weird. She needs to take the stick out of her arse.

BabyFever1345 · 19/06/2024 01:35

How could you refuse food when the child is sitting there watching you eat? It's ridiculous. If the girl had any dietary restrictions, her mother should have made it clear.

YANBU and mother is rude (maybe she has an explanation?)

Bunnycat101 · 19/06/2024 02:14

My 8yo would have been ravenous on that lunchbox and would have definitely wanted something else on top. However, a lot of kids that age go a bit mad if given the chance . Mine will definitely try it on a bit with other adults and I’ve said no to kids on play dates plenty of times when they’ve already had a ton of snacks and really don’t need another slice of cake etc.

Your friend was very rude thoigh. Her response goes a bit beyond the norm (most would let it go and not be that bothered) which perhaps shows something else is going on re food in her house. But she should have told you if linked to the child which does make me wonder if it’s her.

HcbSS · 19/06/2024 02:48

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 19/06/2024 00:11

Oh, OP, what a horrible message to receive.

She is an obsessive nutjob, and very rude.

I would give her fairly short shrift over this. E.g “ you didn’t indicate any restrictions or rules that you wished me to observe in providing childcare today. Your Dd simply shared some of what we had for lunch.”

I wouldn’t even dignify it with any defence. I would be tempted to either ignore it or simply put
🤣🤣🤣🤣
or
😋😋😋😋🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰