To have given her extra food?

[jerkorperk]

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

Did she feel sick after or have a stomach ache or something? Sounds like she had a lot of cake and maybe she's not used to eating so much at lunch. Who knows. The mum sounds a nightmare though and very rude. From what the mum said on drop off I wouldn't have taken it to mean that she wasn't to eat anything beyond the packed lunch. Weird and rude.

I agree about replying.

The first message could be overlooked as one the woman sent in a flush of annoyance, and can be ignored accordingly. But a cold blood follow up hunting down an answer deserves a straight response.

Trying to wind her up by being unresponsive is passive aggressive in the true sense ( not the “failure to seek out confrontation” sense it gets used in on Mn). More likely, though, the woman will take it as “ she couldn’t even explain herself”; which is not what it is. I’d give her a direct response that you were taken aback by the fact she would be so critical and ungracious when you had helped her out; no harm was meant by you and if she had specific restrictions round food she had failed to make that clear; and that no further childcare will be offered.

I love this response to her text!

Do you have a link? I can’t find it.

I don’t think the lunch she provided was sufficient for the child. Needed some bread or carb of some sort. The child sounds underfed. If treats are withheld then kids gorge when they get access to them. I’ve seen it so many times with my kids friends.

Yep. Word for Word.

I didn't save a link. But read it under AITA or BORU (if you use reddit) Tabloids picked it up a week ago, then i saw it copy and pasted here. Pretty sure the lady was in the USA. I wouldn't imagine this is a genuine OP. Sorry MN! More like a lazy journo.

Chicken breast. Some cut up grapes. A few cubes of cheese and a soreen bar

I'd assume that's around 100g chicken, same of grapes, 30g cheese. I think if the chicken had been in a wrap or pitta that would have made it plenty for a 7 year old. Trouble is we don't know the portion sizes, the same as we don't know for the cake. It could have been a whole chicken breast, pan fried in butter.

I don't think I would be giving a child cake and my own food if I didn't know about allergies. And yes a child of seven can tell you but I wouldn't be taking any chances. Before I gave extra food to a child I would have to contact (text) their mother first, I think.

Also, the child asked if she could taste your food and you gave her a plate and two pieces of cake - on top of her packed lunch. Does the child have a food problem? Seems like a strange question, but food issues can start quite early. Mine did.

Maybe it was the carb / sugar aspects of the food you gave her that is the issue. The lunch she packed for her daughter was very light on both of these.

To all those who seemingly can’t get their head around saying no to a child asking for a second slice of cake…just say no, we need to leave some for tomorrow or whatever. Surely most people do that with kids? No one has an endless amount of money to just keep buying cos your kids want to eat more rather than saving and making it last

Even if she felt you had fed her child a totally inappropriate amount of food, there’s still a way to raise it.

The only time I left DD then not yet 2 with paternal GPs for the day, I only said not to give her chocolate or sweets. They fed her McDonald’s and gave her a whole bottle of orange juice (she had never had anything but milk or water). I wasn’t over the moon, but hadn’t told them they couldn’t so just let it be. If they were to have her regularly I would have said, so sorry I didn’t specify but we don’t let her have xyz as otherwise she won’t eat dinner/gets hyper/constipated etc. what the issue would be.

My DM over offers food to the kids, gives them lots of ice cream and second breakfasts, but tells me they have too much sugar and they never ask for snacks when they are with her. I just smile and say ‘well there you go’ because she loves and cares for them and they have a lovely time and aren’t there every day!

Chicken breast. Some cut up grapes. A few cubes of cheese and a soreen bar

That's what my tiny 3 year old would eat... it clearly wasn't enough otherwise she wouldn't have asked for more. Denying a child food when you've got some available (barring eating disorders and obesity) is cruel in my book, so giving her some of your lunch and a slice of cake was fine.

Personally I would not have given a child that age two slices of cake, it's a lot for someone so small. HOWEVER!!! given that it was a one-off, you were doing her a favour, and you don't have children that age yourself so can't be expected to know anything unless specifically told, I would never have even mentioned the cake if I was the mother, even if I was a bit 🙄about it, let alone told you off for it!

If she really had to bring it up, she should have done so in a friendly "oh, just so you know for next time" manner. The way she did it was extremely rude and ungrateful.

Wow I wouldn’t be looking after her again. She’s not going to have many friends with that kind of attitude. If there was an allergy or something then I could understand the packed lunch but her mum should have told you that anyway.

you’ve been kind, definitely not you at fault here

I would draw up a text in my notes and keep going back to it to amend it and when you're happy press send.

This is very good advice OP, I do it all the time.

Whether you wish to start with "I'm very sorry" or not is up to you, but make sure it includes "your daughter was clearly still hungry, and I would never deny food to a hungry child, unless you had specifically told me not to, which you hadn't."

Maybe also: "in future, if you have specific instructions about your child, perhaps consider actually telling them to me, and don't tell me off if I am unable to read your mind."

It's understandable to feel confused. You were hospitable and accommodating. Perhaps clarify with the mom for future visits.

The kid was probably happy to have some yummy less healthy food as a treat, probably gets celery sticks as a snack at home.

IMO this is a control issue. The mother controls the child's food intake (for whatever reason) and you took that control away from her, which in people with control issues can trigger big emotions like rage/meltdown.
You've also shown the child what a less rigid and controlling household looks like, again undermining the strict set up the mother has in place.
For this, I expect she will continue to resent you.

The use of the word "gorged" suggests the mother has control issues around eating/dieting and is projecting those onto her kid. Sounds like the kid doesn't have any treats at home so is grabbing the opportunity for something new

My response would be it eont be an issue in future as I won't be babysitting for you again as you don't seem appreciative

I don’t think allergies are the issue here, but if it were, surely the onus is on the mother to advise this to anyone looking after their child.

Also, if she was so precious about whether the child ONLY ate her provided lunch, then she should have made this clear at drop off.

she is the AH

What mum provided sounds less than my 15 month old eats. No wonder she’s a petite girl. Sounds like her mum might be strict with what she eats. She should have said please only give her the packed lunch in the first place if she’s that bothered about her having extra. I’d rather someone feed my daughter extra than her be left hungry.

HNRTFT but I think the mother is bloody rude and the food she did provide is not enough for a 7 year old.No carbs,fat . The kind of meal an adult would eat if trying to loose weight! The Mother clearly has a problem!

Doubt two slices of cake will do much damage. Doubt they were adult-size portions, either.

Too light. Kids need energy.