To have given her extra food?

[jerkorperk]

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

She was extremely rude to message this after you did her a favour. Obviously that’s a lot of food if it were a regular occurrence, but for a one off, absolutely fine.
I do wonder if the mum has eating issues. Seems a small meal she provided and the use of the word “gorging” on cake seems extreme.
Anyway, really rude of her. I wouldn’t be doing her any favours again.

Wow what a rude woman! You are not a staff member. I either would not reply at all or just reply a one word answer like “ok”. And id also never babysit again!!

Definite control issues.
And it’s rude to expect someone to care for a hungry child. Children are annoying when hangry🤪🤨

You are absolutely fine. Your friend was very rude, even if she wasn’t happy about it, she shouldn’t have said anything as a one off. Or she should’ve said that is all she is allowed to eat. No way would I not offer a child food or stop them from eating with us.

YABU for the costco cake. It's more frosting than cake 🤣

just as an aside OP i wouldn't refuse future babysitting with her. I would try to keep in the little girls life.

even if its just to keep an eye on her weight and general wellbeing.
mums language and the little bit of food for lunch is worrying.

I'd say "dc said she was hungry and ask for some , I thought it would be unfair to say no if she was still hungry. I appreciate you disagree. "

'can't expect to exert control over my home to the extent that a curious and still-hungry child is forced to watch others eat food she can't have.'

This is it exactly and I'd reply with this.

I wouldn't be doing her any favours again anytime soon! Rude and ungrateful.

@Lola2024 would you mind just staying on thread topic, you are kind of making this boring to read.

Gosh what a bloody rude response from her. If someone else is looking after your children for you you have to be a bit flexible. She should have said thanks and left it at that!

I mentioned two because that's what the child had.

My first thought is potential safeguarding issue - sounds like the little girl hasn't been fed properly and was very hungry.

Your house, your rules. If she doesn’t like your house then she shouldn’t send child (obvious dietary or health issues aside!!). My MIL is always told off by SIL for giving unsanctioned biscuits… MIL just laughs it off as she knows Sil will still send her son over. If she really doesn’t like my MILs care then she has the choice not to use her for childcare. She asked me if I was planning on being a biscuit dictator lol

I think it's really odd of the mum to assume that there will be a "future"!

Yes I would! I would feel awful that they were so hungry and I'd obviously not given them enough lunch or breakfast so they were clearly starving.

My two are now 18 and 15, slim, fit and healthy and zero issues around food.

Tell her in future she can find someone else to look after her daughter for free and also make sure he daughter has plenty of food to eat at home before sending her to someone else clearly absolutely starving.

If it were me, I would look after this child again despite, and maybe because of, her mother's rudeness.

I'd be concerned after seeing the child's packed lunch and likely I'd try to gently elicit from the child what they'd be having to eat for their evening meal. Ask what their favourite meal was. Just to get a sense of the background to the packed lunch.

Was it perhaps a 'show' of healthy eating (a misguided attempt to impress a friend) and there'd be a full on meal with carbs and a pudding waiting at home? Or was there some skewed thinking around food on the mother's part?

Obviously, I'd start conversations around lots of other things too; like favorite subjects at school. Wouldn't want the child to go home and report it had been a day of interrogation about her diet!

I'd use that 'blunt' text message as a reason to get more background from the friend. It was her 'fail' in the first place to not ask if you could accommodate her preferences. Compounded by her follow-up 'snottogram' complete with shades of entitlement to a repeat of the favour done!

It's a potential minefield and a lot depends on the type of friendship it is. I absolutely would not want to be the person who says, 'Don't tell your mum you ate x,y and z when you were here!' unless we both knew it to be a light-hearted jest and mum wouldn't mind in the slightest.

There is a question in the mum’s text so, in case the mum has an issue with food, I would take that opportunity to respond with a very straightforward answer and explanation from your point of view so that she can decide if she wants to ask you again, to look after Y. (And of course, you can decide if you will happily do her a favour again, if you haven’t already)
Something like this maybe…..

No, Y didn’t gorge on cake.
She had already finished the food you provided and, clearly still hungry, showed a normal 7 year old curiosity and interest in the food on the table as we sat together for a leisurely, sociable lunch. I feel this is perfectly normal in a home environment. You hadn’t alerted me to any food issues/health issues/allergies so when Y asked if she could try some of our food, I had no reason to want to refuse.
We all enjoyed the special cake treat. I didn’t consider for one minute that Y had over-eaten or that it was too much food for her to digest. I’m sorry you have the impression that she was gorging on food as, to my mind, that was not the case at all.

It was literally one day. A one-off. One time.

The mother presumably has 364 more days in the year in which to feed her child in a way she deems suitable.

OP I think you sound lovely and please look after my son regularly! If there were any issues it was up to her Mum to explain them beforehand.

My dc are teenage, tween and 9 and I would never have had an issue with this and still wouldn't! Very odd.
What was in the packed lunch though?? Was it small?

Sorry! RTFT. That's a small and crappy packed lunch, she definitely didn't have two meals.

@LuckySantangelo35 - I quite often have two pieces of cake! I am slim, active, healthy. I think there's some disordered eating on here (and I reckon OPs friend has issues and is projecting onto daughter)

I actually wouldn't respond or at least, nothing more than a thumbs up. Then I would wait for the next time she asks and say no then. Play the long game.

She sounds strange x