To have given her extra food?

[jerkorperk]

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

My first thought was that mum has control issues with food. The packed lunch contained no carbs and wouldn’t keep hunger at bay in a growing child for very long. Having said that if OP provided a full plate of food after the child ate the lunch, followed by two slices of cake (depending on the size of the slices) I would consider that excessive. Doesn’t seem to be much common sense on either side to be honest, and one can only hope if mum has an eating disorder, she’s not projecting that onto her daughter.

If a guest says 'I'm hungry' you feed them, it's Basic Hospitality 101.

@echt

and if you don’t mind being overweight and unhealthy, why not have three? Or four?

Could you two not take your feud to the private messaging system rather than derailing the thread ?

Absolutely dreadful. An adult eating disorder waiting to happen. It's not so much about monitoring the amount of 'unhealthy' snacks consumed, thats sensible. It's the one sweet a week on a Saturday attitude that's asking for trouble. That amount of huge control & not only regarding food is what causes rebellion in later life. Another example is children never 'allowed' to help themselves to a snack without begging. If its just before a meal its understandable but not 2 or 3 hours before. I'd love to know the reason behind a huge NO if a child is a healthy weight & doesn't constantly over indulge.

I'd just reply that it'd be better if she didn't ask you to mind her child again. She can't expect to exert control over your home to the extent that a curious and still-hungry child is forced to watch others eat food she can't have.

Sounds like the mum has issues around food, and is underfeeding her daughter tbh, what a shame 🙁

There is no special mum rule about not feeding children, no. If you trust someone enough to mind your children for you, that includes trusting them enough to decide what to feed them.

“She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating”.

So the child was genuinely hungry. I’d point that out to the Friend and suggest that it’s better I don’t provide a favour of childcare next time as you feel awkward eating in front of a hungry child.

I'm not "feuding" I've asked that poster to stop replying to me and reported her personal attacks. I won't be repying to her any further.

2 slices of cake was OTT but gorged is a ridiculous word to use to describe a 7 year old eating.

This.

My 7 year old would have also been hungry on that packed lunch
I'd not be having the child again given the tone of that text

that is a ridiculous lunch.

of course she was hungry, she got some meat and nibbles.

As a one off treat, YES!. I would be extremely grateful !

This, 100%. Never again!

It is not about who is happy and who is not. Both have an equal right to be upset about how the situation has been handled.

The mother does not want her child eating this stuff and the OP does not want to deny the child food in her house if she is eating.

OP should let her friend know this and any future arrangements should be made considering this. Childminding may not happen again if a compromise can't be reached.

I would not lose a friend over this. I would discuss our different points of view and move on.

Please just wait til your posts are taken down and let the thread continue.

Threads like this make me think of children who have been starved to death in plain sight. Someone who uses the word 'gorged' to describe her child eating needs reporting to the school and SS.

Yes, she should have made it clear. But the issue is probably with the mother and not the child, who is petite and slim. Way, way out of order of the mother to react that way. Eating disorder in the making, so sad for the child.

Good god. I find this mental.

Even if I was pissed off at the OP and it were my child, I would certainly have worded it differently. And as for "in future" I would be telling her straight

That lunchbox would be classed as a snack by my 4 year old. You're definitely not being unreasonable.

Does your ‘friend’ have history of an eating disorder? Is she underweight? Alarm bells for me due to the lack of carbs in packed lunch and her ridiculous response.
People might not have provided as much food in your position but the majority would not react this way if their child informed them they had eaten extra food as a one off.
The way she spoke to you is vile and food clearly is a trigger. I think she’s limiting her child’s food intake.
I think I’d be tempted to ask why she’s so angry when her child is fine. She would have told you if she has allergies. It’s second nature when your child goes somewhere without you for the first time at the very least.
Id keep an eye on this little girl as it sounds like her mother has issues she needs to address urgently. For that reason I’d be tempted to look after her on a regular basis.
If mother has reacted like this when the child had been given a biscuit/sweets etc at school then safeguarding paperwork will have been filled in. This does still happen where I work despite allergies. .

The eating thing
You were a good host to your child's friend and I can't see how you could have limited your young guest to the packed lunch unless this was agreed beforehand.

However, it sounds like quite a large meal for the child -not a problem as a one off but perhaps it made her sick later and that upset the mum?

(Children are not all good at self-regulating -especially not if someone else has strictly 'guided' their daily comsumption up to now.)

One of mine loved the party food at someone else's house and completely miscalculated how much he could eat -with disasterous results later. It did not occur to me that I could have blamed the party-host for this. (Dedicated Mumsneters please note: DS has no eating issues and grew up slim despite this episode of eating more than a massive-mumsnet-salad. We got away with it. )

The Mum's text though!😱
I can't see what you can reply - except 'Next time?'
Saying nothing is probably better.

(How she treats those who do her favours! Aren't you glad that you are not her paid help!)

The message was really rude. It would really upset me that someone thought it was ok to speak to me that way. People definitely want too much control of situations these days. If you don't want your child to have x, y, z give clear expectations to the person minding them well before you are leaving them there. Then all parties can say that will/won't work for me. I would never leave a child out if we were having cake. You certainly can't scold somebody who is doing you a favour after the event. If you want full control then pay for the full control with babysitter/child minder etc.

Probably so slim and petite because her mum has an issue with her having food. 🙄

I understand some people have religious food practices or proper allergies which is obviously a serious concern. These people would make it very clear when they left their child and would specify the parameters ( eg it’s fine if people eat nuts round her/ she can’t even have them been eaten nearby - which apparently some can’t ).

But genuine allergies are quite different from this quasi allergy culture that goes on everywhere: oh I “can’t have” carbs, wheat gives me bloat ( different from proper coeliac), I’m lactose intolerant ( ie it makes me fart a bit), I don’t eat upfs etc ( chill: it won’t kill you on the spot). Suddenly everyone everywhere has things they “can’t eat.”

And in the comfort of your own home, that’s fine. If you’re paying at a restaurant, that’s fine. But when you are being hosted you just have to very politely decline the bits you’d rather not have or just discreetly as possible leave it on your plate. Better still, take a deep breath and swallow a couple of upfs for the sake of not being a PITA when receiving hospitality. Yet these days people’s food “choices” ( I won’t say fetishes!) get given far too much pandering to in the context of hosting. If someone invites you - and this applies a fortiori if they are actually looking after your child as a FAVOUR - part of being a guest is to accept hospitality graciously, not quibble over the fact it doesn’t follow your dietary preferences to the letter.

People seem to think it’s fashionable to obsess over it. It’s self absorbed and just bloody rude.

Quite often my dcs go to play with friends and get given junky snacks I prefer not to give them at home. But its part of functioning socially that you don’t kick up a stink about it.

She’s bloody rude - and the small but significant addition of “ next time “ is outrageous.