To have given her extra food?

[jerkorperk]

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

Is the mother really skinny? Do you think there may abbe an issue with disordered eating?

She's a CF and has lost herself a willing childcare provider.

'Badassnameforadojo · Yesterday 20:02
I wouldn’t have given her two slices of cake and I’d be annoyed if you did that with my child.
Your child is much younger but you’re going to have to learn to say no. Two slices of cake is too much for a child, especially after eating a full pack lunch plus whatever other stuff you handed her.'

And here they come!

I'd be texting back, 'I think in future you would be better to ask someone else to do you a favour and look after your child. That way neither of us will be feeling resentful towards the other'
This is an apt reply although I do think you gave her way too much food. She's had two lunches and two slices of cake at one meal time.
Mum was rude though and should never have sent the message.

There could be a good reason for only wanting her to eat what's been provided i.e. some kind of medical reason e.g. Prader Willi syndrome/ allergies/ she's being investigated for gut issues and on a strict exclusion diet, but if that's the case it's absolutely the parents responsibility to make you aware of that. Most (sane) parents would be much more upset by you denying their child food when they're hungry especially if you're eating in front of them - that's basically abusive behaviour.

Also nothing wrong with a seven year old having two slices of cake on a playdate. She is probably a growing, active child who was hungry that day. The mother sounds unhinged, as well as rude.
It's not just two slices of cake though. She had an extra lunch, popcorn plus whatever meals they have at home.
I wouldn't say no cake, but I wouldn't be giving two slices.

Probably the right approach OP, don’t get drawn. All things being equal it’s an unreasonable message, particularly that you were given no real instructions around food, just her lunch for the day.

Is she really a friend? Because a friend wouldn’t talk to you like that when you’ve done them a favour.

@sandyhappypeople I also wonder if the girl was sick/ had tummy ache etc.

To be honest I wouldn't as the parent have said anything for worry of looking ungrateful- but in all honesty I couldn't eat that myself -

I'm not a health freak by any means at all but I'm not keen on certain unhealthy food constantly being described by others as 'treats ' either- I've got a lovely friend (and she is lovely) who would think nothing of giving a 7 year old child a couple of doughnuts and 1/2a bag of haribo multiple times a week- 'As a treat'

I suspect though in this case the girl probably never gets anything off the list of 'approved foods' and that's not great either as when they do , they often go nuts with it and have no self regulation

If I was the girl’s mother I would be a bit annoyed about two slices of cake - but given you were doing her a favour I certainly wouldn’t have complained to you about it.

Most children? It absolutely wouldn't. And I say that as a mother of a vomiter!

That amount of food (assuming ops meals are of an average size) would not make most children physically sick.

You're right, excellent point - quite probably the slices of cake were merely crumbs on the plate. I had not considered all possibilities and just blindly assumed 'a slice' to be a normal-sized slice, more fool me.

Your lengthy reply certainly does scream perspective so that all seems in order also.

A chicken breast
some grapes
some cubed cheese
a soreen bar

a ‘plate’ of whatever op was having

a slice of Costco cake

another slice of Costco cake where only a bit was left

popcorn of unknown quantity.

Id say that too much for an adult, so yes, that’s definitely too much food for a ‘petite’ 7 year old in one sitting.

I am imagining it as a "normal" slice of cake. My normal for a 7yo is a relatively small slice. If ops normal is like 4 inches thick yes it's different but I'm assuming it wasn't as that would be quite extreme.

I'm not sure you understand what I mean by perspective in this situation? It's your views on food, not your views on what you think an appropriate post length is that I'm referring to. I frankly don't care what you think of the length of a post.

To me it very much depends on what was on the "plate" , the size of the cake, the volume of popcorn. I don't believe it was all in one sitting either, surely it was over the period of op babysitting? Especially the popcorn?

When I was pregnant with my first a friend (three DC ahead of me) gave me some advice; "if someone is kind enough to mind your children and give you a break, say thank you and that's it"

It's a shame nobody told this rude woman similar. What was one afternoon of overeating going to do? Isn't it more important that her child, in a strange environment, felt a bit spoiled and treated? As if you will ever do her a favour again.

I would reply.

"I seem to have missed your 'thanks for looking after my child'. There's no need to issue instructions on next time. I did you a favour and was happy to but will not be repeating it. I think you have been very rude and ungrateful."

She may have an over eater aa a child and shes mitigating that
By sending a packed lunch. Ahe should havw told you though

Sounds to me like her mum is quite strict with food and she wolfed down whatever she could get at your house. I wouldn't reply and wouldn't offer to watch her again.

I thought the general rule was babysitters and grandparents get to spoil kids!
If I have volunteer free childcare, they can feed them the whole bloody cake for all I care. A one off won't do any harm!
People want to make rigid demands, they can pay for childcare.
I also think some posters are delusional about the amount of food growing children sometimes need! My active, healthy weight 7 year old can eat more than I do!
OP, don't offer again!

Your friend was obviously very rude in her text, no debate there.

However, you served two lunches, and two slices of cake, and some popcorn, to a seven year old, in the space of a few hours, which is horribly excessive.

If you're close enough friends to be swapping childcare on a regular basis, then that's something that needs to discussed. Politely.

What seems to be missing in this thread is the importance of helping and coaching kids to manage temptations for themselves. This is a huge skill I try to develop in teens and my own preteen kids. Kids have immature development in their brains when it comes to self control so they need good coping strategies around super tempting yummy stuff like sugar. They are the boss of their body, they will always love the sweet stuff, so what's their coping strategy for having a bit, enjoying it (as they should), then stopping? Because many unexpected situations will come up when they suddenly might be at a party or a friend's house or with a bit of money unexpectedly in their pocket at the newsagent or whatever...the problem in this scenario seems to be that the mum is controlling around her child's food and that creates some anxiety for her, but the child has NO coping skills outside of that control. And we all know too much control can send people in the other direction.

It's a life skill and you can't start too early in developing self coaching around this! It can definitely be developed and kids can feel good about themselves for engaging with it, talking about how sugar can increase feelings of anxiety, so limiting it can make them feel happier and help their body (good for them!). Does anybody do this? I do it with my own kids and it's a bit of a process but they definitely have a healthy relationship with food, self moderate, understand the science behind how the food affects their bodies, minds, etc, which is really helpful to them.

Apart from the popcorn OP said It was in one sitting.. so you not ‘believing’ it was all in one sitting is a bit daft, she literally said so in her op.

the ate together, the girl finished hers and asked if she could have some of what op was having so she gave her a plate of it and told her to leave what she didn’t want but she ate it all, then for afters (as in after the meal) they had the cake, and op said she then had another slice because she enjoyed the first slice so much, but she left a bit of that.

popcorn I assume would be later, but bear in mind op only had her for the afternoon.

Kids are so different. And even from time to time they change - mine has times where he eats loads and loads, and times where he eats like a bird. At this point I'm really glad of the scoffing times because he's struggled with food in the past. If she's gorging it's because she's hungry, or it was interesting, or because she's restricted at other times and needs to figure out her own appetite. One day of a bit more food isn't going to hurt her. If she has something going on where she can't regulate her appetite the mum would have mentioned surely?

Fine to give her extra food is she was hungry. Two slices of cake was pushing it though, I wouldn't have done that.

The mum was very rude, especially as she didn't mention this beforehand. I wouldn't have said a word if this was my child (or been that bothered - maybe a bit surprised the amount of cake though). If I was concerned I wouldn't ask you to mind her again - I certainly wouldn't have said something.

I would be taking a big step back (I would be wary to consider he a friend now and take this as a red flag for more lurking beneath) and definitely wouldn't offer to mind the child again.

Kids are generally great at knowing when they're full. Allowing them to respond to their own body signals is much more effective than controlling and either getting them to eat more than they need or less than they require. They naturally fluctuate. If humans had to regulate children's appetites for all this time we'd have been a bit screwed.