To opt out of this insane work practice?

[Acunningruse]

I started a new role 3 months ago. Everyone else in the team has been there for years and they are a very established group (but have been very welcoming to me). I discovered the other day, that the "rule" in the team is that when it is someone's birthday, everyone buys them a card, you write it and send it TO THEIR HOME ADDRESS!

I just cannot get my head around this. There are 12 of us in the team. It is just so wasteful- 11 individual cards and stamps whereas we could just send one- or better yet- give it to them in the office!!! We see each other every week!

The waste is huge not to mention the fact that I can barely remember my own family's birthdays, let alone 11 people I've just met?

These are lovely women and the last thing I want to do is cause offence but I really do not want to participate in this. How can I opt out without causing offence?

Yep. The employer shouldn’t be enabling a situation where employees feel obliged to give their home address to everyone else.
I agree that this little custom was probably started by a queen bee character and her gang.

Until two years ago, I'd always worked in large teams of women where there was pressure to take part in that sort of faff, with a level of politics I found baffling. Once, my then-boss waited until she could corner me without being overheard, told me that the cake I'd bought for [Colleague]'s birthday had been stale (it wasn't - it was very nice) and snidely suggestly that I go to M&S next time. It took everything in me not to point out that I was the lowest paid person in the entire department so if she didn't want to eat Tesco birthday cake, she could fucking pay me more.

Now I'm the only woman in my team at work and birthdays get nothing more than "happy birthday! 🎉" on our Teams chat. Even better, there are no Christmas cards, Secret Santa gifts, or team lunch. None of us can be arsed and it's blissful 😂

Its mad but you could buy a bunch of cheap 25p cards plus 85p for a stamp to keep the peace.

The only other possible way out is to take an environmental stance on the waste issue. That way its compromising your ethics rather than you just cant be arsed.

That's what I was thinking. A mixed bundle of cards in the drawer. Because I know I'd never remember to post.

I bet the posting thing is a hangover from covid or someone's maternity leave. I always think these things start small with 2 or 3 people then snowball.
And yes I've been roped into a "birthday club" at one point it was like a blinking monauge. What a faff!

I can't believe people are even entertaining this shit. The only answer to this is no.

No I'd not want to give my address out either. We do e-cards in work or physical cards in work.

If it were me, when it came to my birthday arrangements and they asked me for it I'd say:

"If I could have my card IN work on my birthday (or the last working day we are all together at work prior to my birthday) that would be lovely thank you, what a kind idea - and it's more fun together anyway. The mail delivery is crap where I am so I don't even bother getting stuff sent to me now as I don't get it on time".

When then inevitably asked "where do you live" Id quote somewhere reasonably near me that's not a lie but not specific either Like. 'Out the back of xxx" or "just five mins away from xxxAsda" or "do you know where xxxtown is, we'll just up the back of that" or whatever.

That way if anyone found out they'd know I hadn't actually told a direct lie.

Id have a stock phrase memorised to use in address questions so there is no awkward "um, er, my address, well...." situation!

I'd put birthdays in my calendar on outlook so I'd know them all.

If you feel you have to then I’d get all the addresses (data breach alert) in advance and go on Moonpig, ordering all 12 at once. Stamp the envelopes, add post it with date and keep at work so your home space isn’t tainted with this weirdness. This is a very odd practice and they might all be lovely but it’s also quite cliquey and would be noticeable if you opted out. Or just don’t care about that!

Have you SEEN how much Moonpig cards cost including postage?

And what if you don't want to throw money at the problem (I assume that Moonpig is not cheap - how much would 11 cards from them cost?).

or my date of birth.

That is what I too think. You can't do it without causing offense, because you have just joined the group. Do it for a year or even two and then maybe suggest other ways to do things. You could do it when you know yours will be the next Birthday after you've been round your first one and it would probably be better accepted then. Not now.

Suggest an e-card as it's more eco friendly and that you're really into that?

I've worked in the same job since 2015 and I have no idea what my colleagues' home addresses are nor they mine! There is a particularly nosy parker (who I do actually quite like) who I know would be straight on Rightmove to see how much everyone's houses cost!

Also the price of stamps these days is insane. Are you expected to shell our for a card and stamps for all those people, and also contribute to a gift/cake as well? If so that's completely bonkers.

This thread is a prime ezample of why women end up with wifework.

Moonpig cards?

12 pre-stamped cards prepared a year in advance?

Waiting a year or two to say no?

Help, stop the world, I want to get off.

I'm retired now but worked in a very large department. We used to organise a card for every birthday which would be signed by as many people as the poor receptionists could grab.

We were encouraged to bring in cakes when it was our birthday . . . .these would be left in the kitchen to be shared on a 'first come ~ first served" basis.

I don't think I would have been happy with a bunch of cards sent to my home address and I certainly wouldn't have joined in

It sounds like virtue signalling to me. I'd hate to be on the receiving end too. It's just so false.

Bet they just want the addresses so they can look on zoopla

I would still get them a card but just leave it on their desk. Just say you lost their address to send it to.

My late DH and I spent the entirety of our working lives (and thinking about it, life in general) saying politely "no, not doing that" to any group "oh we all do this" thing that we didn't want to do. Group after work activities...nope.....weekend meet ups.....nope......after work drinks.....nope.....house to house christmas party....nope....well you get the idea. Once the initial incredulity has happened, no one seemed bothered.

I bet your not the only person who can't be bothered with the whole post business.

That's the bit I'd tackle first. Hand them over in the office. Post is soo unreliable.

Place I worked did this. I actually refused to do it, and it made me unpopular.. (not that I cared) and oddly I did get a few people come to me and say they too actually hated having to do it, but didn't want to be "that person".... I wasn't worried about that. I just found it a bit forced and inappropriate.

I don’t take part in anything like this. A firm but breezy ‘I don’t do birthdays’ has always worked. Saves a hell of a lot of hassle.

That's horrendous, I find cards wasteful and 99% of the time uninspiring. I don't know how you can tactfully get out of it though. I also wouldn't want my colleagues to have my address.

Just go along with it. If you are excluded you would feel left out. I worked somewhere once where had to buy each other a small gift at Christmas. I couldnt really be bothered but I just went along with it as it was nice to be included

I have been in this role 3 weeks and I've already been asked to sign 2 birthday cards - I signed the one for the person I knew already, and passed the other on unsigned. It does seem to be one card, signed by everyone in the group, to be handed over on the day we're all expected to be in the office. I have been asked for my birthday (didn't give the year, didn't point out I usually take it as leave, did feel relieved it happened about a month before I started.)

Haven't seen any sign of cakes, but I don't think anyone has had a birthday on an in-office day.

But here, it seems to be pushed by the male head of department. It was easier in my last job, where we mostly ignored birthdays. I did actually know when most of their birthdays are, but usually a "happy birthday" message on messenger or WhatsApp sufficed.