To opt out of this insane work practice?

[Acunningruse]

I started a new role 3 months ago. Everyone else in the team has been there for years and they are a very established group (but have been very welcoming to me). I discovered the other day, that the "rule" in the team is that when it is someone's birthday, everyone buys them a card, you write it and send it TO THEIR HOME ADDRESS!

I just cannot get my head around this. There are 12 of us in the team. It is just so wasteful- 11 individual cards and stamps whereas we could just send one- or better yet- give it to them in the office!!! We see each other every week!

The waste is huge not to mention the fact that I can barely remember my own family's birthdays, let alone 11 people I've just met?

These are lovely women and the last thing I want to do is cause offence but I really do not want to participate in this. How can I opt out without causing offence?

@godmum56 well quite. I am fine if I never receive another card. The people who care for me tell me so in all kinds of ways and I personally don’t need them to write it on a piece of cardboard.

A dozen such from colleagues who in any case don’t actually care for me would not validate my life in any way, thanks all the same.

Not that I am suggesting such a dramatic reaction, but I
wonder what ACAS would think of a workforce expecting a new colleague to give their home address to everyone?
I was in teaching for many years and you couldn’t go to the school secretary, for example, and ask for the private address of a colleague - even if it’s only to send them a get well card. The card would have to be handed in and the secretary would post it.

That does seem odd !!

I wouldn’t over thinking it though, just buy them a card and hand it to them in work/leave it on their desk. Then it’s still a nice touch, not expensive, and no one could ever accuse you of not joining in!

i get what you’re saying about it being wasteful when you could just buy one and all sign it, but sometimes it’s nice to receive a lot of cards. When you’re younger you get so many, an it’s nice seeing them all up on display, but as you’re older, the amount you get naturally dwindles.

I know this is a bit different, but in my friendship group there are 8 of us, and for birthdays, we always used to club together and get a gift, and one card signed by the other 7. During COVID, and I can’t remember exactly how or why this happened, but we switched to giving individual cards, and I actually love it! We still club together to buy one gift, but now get 7 cards, and it’s so much better, they look lovely on the mantelpiece and the individual messages are nice. Yeah they end up in recycling, but that doesn’t take away they joy they bring when I receive them!

yes but those are your friends, not a load of randoms.

I'd be honest and ask next round of birthday cards if they'd ever considered consolidating the cards together? This event could have been borne of one particular person loving a pile of birthday cards on their doormat, and its just continued since without question. That person might not even work there anymore, who knows?

Where I work they have birthday buddies. Everyone gets one birthday buddy and then on their birthday they have to arrange for a ecard to be signed by all 120 employees and buy a gift worth £25, except on "big" birthdays were they have to buy a bigger gift. Thank god we can opt out of this, which I did. I don't even buy my husband birthday presents so I am not going to buy a present for a work colleague. Also my birthday was 3 weeks after starting so no way would I want someone to spend £25 on me just after starting.
So yes I would opt out of it. HR shouldn't be sharing birthdays and home addresses with other employees.

I hate cards too! and even if me and the kids do get cards I don’t put them up. They are wasteful, untidy and they just annoy me!

Not to mention the cats would kick them off the shelf in seconds!

My mum knows I hate them and each year tries to better herself with the most original version of a card she can! I’ve had postik notes, blank folded paper, a plain piece of card with simply my name in it….. that I like because it’s funny and original and takes the piss out of my dislike! 😂

@Acunningruse

Could you buy a couple of multi-packs from a charity to keep in your drawer at work? You've always got a card ready then.

That way, a charity will benefit from the card giving as well.

These are an example, but I'm sure other charities have similar packs.

https://shop.barnardos.org.uk/search?searchTerm=birthday+cards&x=0&y=0

The OP doesn't want to do it

A HUNDRED PER CENT THIS.

Sorry to shout, but this pisses me off. Women complain of the mental load and ‘wife work’ and then we do stuff like this to ourselves.

I say no to most stuff a man wouldn’t do. It makes me unpopular with women but hey.

I would just say I don't do birthday cards. Also no way am I giving my address to work colleagues they are not my friends

Get a batch of misc cards and keep them in your desk drawer. Be sure to give a tiny gift in lieu of postage.

I'm sure there's a back story, maybe someone once was lonely and loved having cards to open/fancied the postman....or similar,. Anyway best not to be remembered as the one that broke the tradition.

I think it would be a good bonding thing to do - if you want to bond with them. I get you want to be environmentally friendly, but it's lovely to get something in the post that's not a bill or junk. It's a bit nostalgic, maybe someone doesn't have much in the way of family etc and this helps them feel a bit special on their birthday. Also, I'm sure people will remind you when it's someone's birthday.

FFS why? The Op is not saying that everyone should stop, just that she does not want to join in.

reaching again. "we should all do x because maybe just maybe y"

A stamp is cheap? It's £1.35 for a first-class stamp and you could just put the card on their desk!

Whilst it wouldn't be what I would chose and I don't think there would be anything wrong with you saying I won't post cards but will give them or whatever I find it interesting it makes you cross. Why do we automatically decide the male way of a lack of care and thoughtlessness is better than a supportive thoughtful work community practiced by your female colleagues?

I think the care women show each other and others generally is amazing and everyone including men would benefit if men tried to move towards some more commonly female practices.

I don't believe male is the default we all need to get back to.

But in this case, it’s not the male default, it’s the normal office default. Though your post did make me try to imagine a largely male office doing this, and couldn’t stop laughing!

I can see the point of having cards posted to someone's house if they are away on holiday or their birthday is at the weekend. Remember though that some people don't want their colleagues to know their exact address, no matter how lovely they are.

Say it’s a lovely tradition but you would prefer it if they made a donation to your favourite charity instead and you will bring some cakes in to share on your birthday.

traditions are made to be broken

Perhaps at this point you can say. 'Postage is so expensive. It's a lovely idea but I'd be happy to get the cards in the office'

Same! I don't know anyone's birthday or address. I don't think I've ever heard the phrase "happy birthday". ☺️

random people who only know each other because they are employed at the same place giving each other cards is not supportive and thoughtful, neither is it a "more commonly femaile practice"

It absolutely IS a ‘more commonly female practice.’

Agree. 100%