To opt out of this insane work practice?

[Acunningruse]

I started a new role 3 months ago. Everyone else in the team has been there for years and they are a very established group (but have been very welcoming to me). I discovered the other day, that the "rule" in the team is that when it is someone's birthday, everyone buys them a card, you write it and send it TO THEIR HOME ADDRESS!

I just cannot get my head around this. There are 12 of us in the team. It is just so wasteful- 11 individual cards and stamps whereas we could just send one- or better yet- give it to them in the office!!! We see each other every week!

The waste is huge not to mention the fact that I can barely remember my own family's birthdays, let alone 11 people I've just met?

These are lovely women and the last thing I want to do is cause offence but I really do not want to participate in this. How can I opt out without causing offence?

Or how about not do it at all

We have standard small “feedback cards” lying around with the company logo on it… people can write them if you want to give a compliment or share something .
I’d write one of those as a compromise.

It’s fine to have such a weird cultural thing in your team if everybody enjoys it, but it’s also ok to change things over the years. I’ve had teams were people sang birthday songs and held babyshowers and stagparties … or teams that barely manage to have 1 drink at the pub once a year.

No, it's not 'ruder' provided you don't announce to the group you think its inane and you're just going along with it in the easiest way possible. Telling them that would be extremely rude. Thinking that in the privacy of your own head while outwardly going along with the custom is an act of social courtesy. In much the same way as you might turn up to your friend's rather tedious drinks party and leave as soon as courtesy allowed, rather than tell her no, you think her friends are dull and you'd rather stay in watching Love Island than make small talk with them. When it comes to the avoidance of being rude, genuineness is not a pre requisit, and is often an active hindrance.

Given the number of posts on MN about women whose birthdays are overlooked, made very little of etc etc I think it is quite a sweet idea that may help to make people feel seen and appreciated. I don't see the harm and I do think that a half hearted hand over of a card in the office is as bad, and arguably worse than not bothering - it is certainly more visible that you are making a little protest.

Opt out of receiving cards yourself (I personally hate them - just clutter), I have told HR that I would consider any release of my birthday as a GDPR breach but I would not piss on the others' chips over this. How hard is it to put 11 recurring reminders in your phone.

if you are going to have 12 random cards in your desk drawer, signed or unsigned and just grab one and dish it out on the right day, do you think this is not going to be noticed? I agree telling a friend that their party is tedious is rude.

Fair point but don't you think it would be right to tell newcomers that "some of us do this but you don't have to join in" also those posts tend to be from people whose nearest and dearest don't do anything for their birthday....not a group of people who you only know because you work in the same place.

I'd just do it, but I'd ask a couple of people in the team to remind me. Get a job lot of cards and stamps from card factory and have them in your desk ready.
It's quite sweet in a way. Very old fashioned.

that really is dismissive.....

Probably not (unless in Greek it's more open to interpretation?). Mat. 25 35-40 lists the things the righteous did (visit the sick, those in prison, give shelter to the homeless, feed the poor etc.) that meant they will sit at the King's table. Giving shelter to the homeless could be interpreted as showing friendship, and sending a card to a person who might not otherwise get a card would come under most of those actions - birthday cards were not a thing in first-century Palestine, but extending the hand of friendship to the lonely would have been.

Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Matthew 25: 34-40

Being a stranger would cover the duty birthday card; because the suggestion is of giving comfort. I directed this quote to the hospice and cardiac unit which looked after my late DH with great compassion, love and friendship though he was to them a stranger. To say more would ID me.

wow massive assumptions there....

Thinking that in the privacy of your own head while outwardly going along with the custom is an act of social courtesy.

Social courtesy? Really? It's weird! In over 50 years of working life, I have never come across it. If OP doesn't want to take part, she should just politely opt out!

Different situation and reasons here but I ended up ordering one of those boxes of various generic birthday cards from Amazon and use those now. I have a box for 'female' and also a mixed box. In your situation you could get away with just one cheap box of various 'female' if all women. Keep that in a drawer at work and just dish them out into trays/on desk when you realise it's a bday. I'd personally ask if someone could add all birthdays into a joint calendar/teams thing (I'm not sure what's appropriate where you work) and set that to just remind you the day before. Just say that as you're new and you don't remember birthdays/dates easily if someone could do that to help you. That way you'll also come across as being interested enough to join in but just start as you wish to go on by joining in with the card madness but starting giving direct in office. This should be a decent compromise and as long as no one finds your cheap generic lady cards you'll be seen as joining in and a team player, but with minimal effort!

Just to add, if asked about why you don't post, or you could proactively just tell them that you never post cards due to keeping your car on footprint as low as possible. If queried just mention that the Royal Mail app will show you, or tell you, the carbon footprint of everything you send or receive. I use the rm app and the info is freely on there for everything you send/receive (obviously if you use it, but even if you don't you just tell them you do and I could always provide you with one or two screenshots as examples if you felt the need for "evidence". Agree with climate change or not, no one can deny that everything has a carbon footprint.

I think @AlleeBee idea of pre writing the cards, takes my advice of having the generic cards ready and taking it that step forward and writing them all at once, if you cba!

Who by? Not my assumptions and if you mean I am assuming Christianity, the sentiment put forward, that you help others, is not solely Christian - or even based in any religion.

One word: GDPR. Don't get involved!

I wouldn’t want my home address made available to work colleagues and see this as a breach of data protection?!

I knew a small firm who did this as a rule. If you didn't you'd soon be out of a job or alienated. But when I found out why I fully agreed with it. It turned out at least 3 staff members suffered serious mental health issues, and it was helping with moral, one had lost her whole family a year previous in an accident and felt she had no-one, but she lived for her birthday because she loved the pile of cards coming through her look letterbox from her work colleagues a d it felt like she had people around her again. Another was a young lad who'd grown up in care and had barely celebrated a birthday before and another had paranoia that nobody really liked him but at least felt special that one day a year. The boss would buy a cake for staff members birthdays, on his birthday they'd chip together to get one and each staff member brought some food and everyone had a staff party at lunch time on the day of their birthday. The team worked together for nearly 40 years without a serious argument among them. Even bankruptcy didn't separate them they still follow the tradition even though the firm is now closed. They just meet in the local pub instead. So I can see why you think it's a waste but there are also benefits to t. Maybe ask someone why it's done. Their may be a reason.

tell them you will donate to a charity and they should too as it’s wasteful stand your ground I’d never waste money on cards when small animal charities are desperate for donations

Seriously. A team of 12 and you make tour entrance by making an issue about their tradition of receiving birthday cards at home.

Dearest killjoy, I mean OP, be a teamplayer.

This.

Or, keeping to the same environmental reason, e-card instead?

Part of working in a team is doing things for the greater good and all round better environment.

I’d take writing birthday cards over a corporate team building day out every time.

If the people you work with are that nice then they shouldn't worry about not sending cards. When I worked for a bank the birthday boy or girl bought cakes for everyone but there was only 9 of us (small branch) so it wasn't expensive. I think they're being unreasonable for demanding that everyone sends a birthday card to their home. Remember, you're there to sell your labour nothing else.

What a PITA! On the next birthday ring the colleague a card and hand it over and say’Hsppy Birthday. I’m not doing the home address posting thing but I like to give cards to people’ Give a big smile 😃
Id bet that this was started by one twee, silly person.

BRING not RING 🙄