Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

Dogs have a different gut biology to humans and a stronger stomach acid and can happily eat raw chicken without being compromised in any way. It's not the chicken itself that poisons people, it's the bacteria that can grow on it if not handled/stored/cooked correctly. Buying chicken and chucking it in the back of your car for two hours on a warm day is not going to do anyone any good.. and makes me wonder what OPs mum put a fridge full of meat into to transport it home?

Vets are a bit hit and miss about raw diets in dogs, those with experience of it recommend it, those without experience or without dogs say the don't recommend it, it's not based in fact at all, it's personal opinion of whatever vet you see, anyone who says it is dangerous because it's not fit for humans has no clue about it obviously.. In fact the last vet I saw was dead set against it and quite scaremongery about a raw food diet, but when I asked her why she felt that way it was because she was vegan and doesn't condone any person or animal eating meat of any kind.

We've fed our dogs a commercial raw diet for 6+ years and never had a problem with it personally, the health benefits and difference in the poo is well worth the added cost.

Jesus wept there are some real bitches on this thread. I feel really bad for you op, I’m lucky that my mum wouldn’t do that to me, if I knew you I’d go to the butchers for you.

hope things improve and please make her buy it next time she needs to understand it’s not cool.

I feed my dogs raw chicken wings/necks/carcasses etc (and other meat, offal, blitzed veg, raw eggs) daily, and have for the better part of 20 years. Dogs are well adapted to eating raw meat, and raw non-weight bearing bones do not splinter, thats cooked bones. Plenty of people feed this way, it's not a new thing.

Feeding a diet of just cooked muscle meat however isn't a balanced diet and is not at all good for a dog.

Back to the point - @Littlechesnuttree if this is how your Mum typically behaves, I think you'd be better going LC or NC with her, her manipulative behaviour is not going to help you at all! I'd tell her not to bother visiting again if her plan is to screw you over every which way when she does.

Your vet is wrong.

Funny how I've been feeding raw chicken to dogs for three decades and they've all lived long, happy and healthy lives with no vet treatment other than neutering.

Do some research before making yourself look more ridiculous.

I get my meat delivered. I'm happy with it. In all honesty if I didn't buy it from here we wouldn't be eating it because I can't afford supermarket prices.

https://www.bestmeat.co.uk/

@Littlechesnuttree sounds like a bigger issue than your DM stealing from you. What do you get out of a relationship with her?

There's a lot of fear obligation and guilt in your posts. To an outsider it sounds like a no brainer to not see your mum again until she apologises and refunds you the money. Or actually consider the £80 a price worth paying for a wake up call and a lot cheaper than the cost of all the therapy you'd otherwise need to untangle yourself from the toxic situation you are now in.

My local butcher is on Uber Eats. Costs more though.

@EnglishBluebell - I am sure that poisonous is the wrong word to use, when talking about feeding raw chicken to dogs. If it was poisonous, it would make every dog ill, and clearly it doesn’t, so I think what you are trying to say is that it may be hazardous, not it IS poisonous. A quick google shows some sources saying it is generally fine to feed raw chicken to dogs, but that there can be risks (salmonella, and a bacterium that causes something like Guillan Barre syndrome, which can be fatal).

Clearly, as @WalkingonWheels and @WiddlinDiddlin demonstrate, it is perfectly possible to feed dogs raw chicken - from what I have read, you need to be careful about how you buy, store and handle it, but if you take reasonable care, the risks are low.

OP my mum was very tricky but she'd know the difference between human food and dog meat. Dogs don't eat legs of lamb or duck breast unless the dog belonged to Mrs Pomfrey!
Could she be unwell?
I was at a friend's for brunch today and her mil told her she didn't make a tasty meal. She has dementia and ASD. I took no notice.
I'd tell her you need a ocado or morrisons delivery and she's paying for it. I find their meat always has offers. The PPs link looked good.

Some people have come up with empathic and constructive replies. It is difficult to find them amongst all the unnecessary stuff.
Who gives a fuck how you asked for it back, when you can go shopping, or what she should be feeding a dog.

The key elements are:
Your mother has stolen food from your children. Purposefully, so that she can refuse you when you ask for the money back.
You already know from way back that she is never supportive, is always manipulative, self centred and cruel. But she has chosen to kick you when you're down.
Newly separated, newly employed, either one of these is a huge life event, causing stress and self doubt. She knows this.

I hope that you will basically fuck the thieving cow off, should she try to visit again. That is probably the only way you'll get some peace of mind.
This is technically burglary and if it was me, I would be seriously considering making a complaint of theft against her to the Police.
And just consider the damage she is undoubtedly planning to inflict on the kids, as she plays them off against each other, and you.

I am truly sorry that your mother has reconfirmed how awful she is at a time like this.
I am full of admiration for you, as you pick it all up and deal with it.
The three most important things are that your children won't starve, you will carry on working and the mortgage will be paid.

OP I am so sorry that the two adults you absolutely should be able to rely on, to put you and your children's welfare first, have betrayed your trust and left you in such a difficult position. It's awful and unfair, and I hope you hear those of us saying you are doing an amazing job just keeping on putting one foot in front of the other.
I too have some awful people in my family and I completely understand how sometimes it can just be too draining and costly to keep trying to hold someone to account. I mean - that's exactly why they do what they do, right?
I can only say that if her drama feels like too much right now - actually give yourself a break. Just say 'Mum, I have a lot going on right now, I'm not going to be on text or the phone as regularly. I'll catch up with you when things settle' Then set her number to silent, ignore her messages, and have a few days (or weeks) or peace.
We all know what will happen (or those of us with toxic parents do) - she's going to try every single strategy to get your energy focussed back on her again. That's why you ignore ignore ignore. Don!'t even read them. Let it flow by. I know it's hard but there is nothing that can happen to her that a grown woman with adequate financial resources can't deal with. And you don't have the bandwidth to help her.
As an added bonus, sometimes coming back a few weeks later and reading all her attempts to reel you back in, without the pressure to respond, can give you a really clear insight into who she actually is. And then you can respond accordingly.

No.
Are you nuts?

3K pre tak, minus massive childcare bills, mortgage to be paid on your own, bills, petrol, I earn similar and could not spare additional 80 quid to replace stuff that was stollen by a selfish b like that. I think that relationship is sour already.

Tell her to bank transfer the money, silly woman as if she thought it was for her dog !

I can't fathom the dynamics on Mumsnet sometimes. Are those of you sticking the boot in envious that the OP can afford to spend £80 at the butcher? For a month that's not that much for 3 people. Her husband has just walked out on her leaving her in a precarious situation at a new job when I'm sure at times she'd rather curl up in a ball than have to be trying to make a good impression. And yet you think you're 'helping' by victim blaming her for not standing up to an abusive mother in the way you think you'd theoretically be able to under the same circumstances? Have a word with yourselves.

I'd tell her that it is unbelievable that she would have thought the meat was for her. That it is sheer nastiness to take her grandchildren's food. And her rude suggestion that it is payment has left you with no option but to go no contact.
Why in gods name would you want that b1tch anywhere near you or your family. I am outraged for you.

I was just about to jump on and say the same. £80 is £80. Even if the OP isn't on the breadline, that's a couple of cheap days out with her kids at the weekend whose dickhead of a dad has just left. That extra £80 could take their minds of things for a couple of hours.

Tbh, it seems like the mum stealing the meat was the last straw. The OP has had a hell of a shitty time, there was most probably a long shitty time leading up to her husband leaving and it sounds like the good deal she had at the butchers was one of the few things that had actually gone right for her - and then her mother bloody takes it for the dog.

Honestly, one day you will laugh about this OP but right now you have every reason to feel mad and you shouldn't have to use that tiny bit of energy you most probably have left fighting to get reimbursed. Anyone who thinks it's just easy to deal with a complicated mother or just pop back to the shops when you work full time and have little ones needs to wobble their head.

You have every right to feel angry/upset/annoyed. And you shouldn't need to sort it out because any normal person would have refunded you straight away and been mortified.

You sound lovely. Your mother is delusional and self centred. I do hope things look up for you. Sending hugs and sympathy

I'm so sorry that you've been so badly let down by the woman who should be your greatest support during one of the most difficult times of your life.
When we fled my ex, before the counselling had kicked in I'd have been distraught if I was in your shoes.
You are doing amazing though. You already have a back up plan and your not giving your selfish bint of a mother too much head space and your kids are happy, fed and loved.
Have you talked to CA to see if you can claim any support? And talked to your GP about counselling? This can often be arranged for lunch breaks if need be.
I'm so proud of you. I'm a few years on now and life is so good because I got rid of the useless weight of my ex.

after tax, but still £80 is £80 Right, but I’d meal planned and had a month worth of tea ideas sorted.

yes I’m moaning and cross, so venting, that it’s just batshit.

sorry I took a step back from the thread but the vitriol from some posters name calling got a bit too much.

Hit send too soon, but all the lovely and supportive and kind messages I have read and taken to heart. I’ve not been able to respond individually but thanks to everyone who had a nice word to stay (and middle finger to the haters of course 😅)

I am still in shock for you. When my parents come to visit they come with bags of shopping as they will go to Costco and get me a giant washing powder, bulk toilet paper and nice treats the kids enjoy, it’s their way of helping me as I’m a single parent.

Your welcome, hope you take the holiday, take care op and keep strong

Just a handful of things I want to say/add here.

1. @Littlechesnuttree I applaud you for keeping it all together at a time when I'm sure you'd like to fall apart.

1. I want to include some ideas for low cost meals, that may help, or may help other readers.

1. Get the "Supercook" free app. You add all the ingredients you have in the house into the app larder, and it will search the internet for every possible recipe you can make with those ingredients. You can search by main ingredient, or cuisine type. Fabulous for making sure you don't waste fresh ingredients.

1. Get the Olio free app. There is always free food available locally, collected from Tesco and Sainsbury's by volunteers and listed for free. I've not had to purchase bread in well over 9 months.

1. Look up Thrifty Lesley and her webpages. She has very frugal recipes (sorted into meal type) but also has complete week meal plans, for about £1 a person a day. She also has some emergency plans, for if you need to be super frugal. I usually use one week meal plan per month, and use the difference in the food shopping cost that week, to stock up on washing powder/toiletries/toilet paper.

1. If you fancy some old style cooking, the Victory Cookbook (on eBay) and the 1940s experiment (online - the URL looks super dodgy, but it fine) has wartime recipes that use simple, local ingredients to make filling meals.

I hope that some of these ideas help.

I also second that a pp said (I'm so sorry, I can't remember who), that if you can get some cheap food, make it into a positive experience by eating in a different place, or a different way. Tomorrow night, my DC are super excited to be having a parknic (picnic in the park) for dinner. It'll be a sandwich, some cucumber and peppers, a piece of fruit and one treat item each. But they are still excited!

Take care @Littlechesnuttree , I hope things improve for you.

I am sorry some posters have been so horrible. The nadir must be those people who said you'd fur up your children's arteries eating only meat as if you gathered like a wolf pack. You just have to feel sorry for people who can't comprehend that you were not serving a slab of meat without any vegetables in sight. Imagine what their home life is like!
I know this a really hard time for you - looking after the children on your own and a new job and your mother revealing her true colours. During hard times, I used to think you had to have a certain amount of ill luck in your life and I used to think I was getting the hard times out of the way early. But you all sound healthy which is a blessing. I know that sounds trite but when my sweet teenager was diagnosed with cancer at sixteen all the money in the world meant nothing. He was lucky it was caught very early through an utter fluke, and his prognosis was excellent and he's six years out.

You say you have some mince. Spaghetti bolognaise can make mince go a long way if you add some finely chopped carrots and celery. You could use any left over as a cottage pie with a mashed potato topping with some cheese sprinkled over for extra protein.

Things like quiches can make a little bacon stretch a long way.

If you can do any meat based casseroles cannelloni beans - out of a tin and thoroughly rinsed in a sieve under a tap - can make it go much further.

Homemade pizzas don't need a lot of meat or any meat at all really. (If you can't face making the bases, just buy some readymade.)