Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

@PandaRice you are funny. People are not Zebras.

My blood pressure is going up on your behalf OP. At a time when you're juggling childcare, work and your DH leaving your DM pulls that shit! It's almost like she's trying to punish you for your recent problems ffs!
Time to step away from her. But do respond to her otherwise she'll probably take it that you are agreeing with her vile comments.

1.5 hours of babysitting isn’t worth this shit

Is there any way you could make other arrangements?

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time both on here and in real life. Newly single mum in such horrible circumstance, being on probation in a new job and an unhelpful mum, no way would i be holding it together like you are. You sound an amazing mum and person. I really hope things get better for you soon. Sending you a massive hug. xxxx

Effing dog seems to eat better than some people!
Just an observation, nothing to do with me.
How odd! 😁

This. So sorry you're dealing with this, OP. Your mother's behaviour is appalling and deeply manipulative. I think a prolonged period of no contact would be very good for both of you - you'll get a break from more provocations and she will have to reflect on how she has brought you to this point.

i think this has the new status of being my favourite mumsnet quote

The prize for commenting on an entirely imagined scenario goes here.

Sorry OP but I'd go postal.
If my mum did that I'd think she was a selfish idiot and tell her so.
I wouldn't speak to her until the money and transferred.
Some people are so self centred and delusional that it actually boggles the mind.
This is exactly what you do not need right now.
I hope you have more thoughtful people in your life x

OP, that sounds like a horrible place to be. Dickhead ex, brand new job and all the pressure that comes with that, and a seriously selfish mother. Not to mention the stress of having a substantial portion of your grocery budget for the month going into a bleddy dog.

Have you got enough store cupboard basics that you can muddle through until you can go shopping on Sat am?

In your shoes, I would ignore your mother and all and any contact with her. She won't like that. I would be very tempted to text her to say that you cannot believe her behaviour, her refusal to reimburse you for the kids food, and turning it into some sort of "owed money". Had you realised there was a charge for her supporting you for a few hours, you'd have declined. But I suspect then all kinds of drama and sh*t will kick off and it's easier to just ignore her until you have the headspace to tackle her. Plus it will drive her mental to be ignored.

While I know it's a new job. It's really not unusual for people to have emergencies, family bereavements and all kinds in their first week never mind during their probation period. You don't have to explain it all, you could simply say that a temporary power failure has meant you've had to throw out a ton of food and need to do a quick emergency shop to get through the week. Can you leave a bit early, take some work home and finish it when the kids are in bed or over the weekend?

Has your ex completely disappeared off the face of the earth? Is it worth telling him he needs to pick up the kids at 8am on Sat and return at 6pm so you have two days to get stuff sorted, do some batch cooking and feel more control?

Absolutely scarlet for you that you thought it was ok to type this.

She has asked for the money, she's clarified that point a few times, maybe try reading at least OPs posts

Yeah, unbelievable is how I read it too.😄

That’s £20 per week for two people for meat. I’d say that’s not much at all. Did this poster miss the rampant inflation that’s abounded for the last 2 years or more?

She’s going to wolf it all down herself isn’t she? The nasty roach 🪲

They're still feeding a family of 4 for 3 evening meals with a small roast chicken

What is it with these spineless women stand up for your kids.
I wouldn't let her back frankly and say unless she transferred the money for stealing your children's dinner she's no longer welcome.
You don't just take 80 pounds worth of meat from someone else's fridge thinking it's for the dog.
But we all know op won't do that and be a martyr. 🙄

Forget the meat issue - this is the real issue. She threatens suicide when she doesn't get her own way.
Your mother is at minimum emotional manipulative and immature, and at maximum at out-and-out bat-shit-crazy narcissist.

No wonder you are too exhausted to deal with her.

You have learned a lesson here - if she comes to stay to "help" you, she will be no help at all, she will be an inconvenience and is liable to cause some drama or trouble as well.
So don't invite her.
You have to cut the ties, go low contact, "grey rock" her.

There are lots of threads here about how to deal with such parents - look for the 'Stately Homes' thread or browse the relationships board.
Can other posters give some links please?

You are not alone in having such a damaging parent.

What is it with all the nasty bullies on MN ?

I’m sorry you’re having such a truly rubbish time at the moment OP for so many different reasons.

kudos to you for getting up every day!

I came on here to post almost exactly what @BeanCountingContinues has said. @Littlechesnuttree - I am sorry for what happened and for the pasting that some posters have heaped upon you on this thread. Cruel and unjustified.

Here is a link to the latest 'Stately Homes' thread - March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet (so called because the originator's parents "justified" their abusive parenting by claiming that she couldn't have been abused because they took her out to National Trust places).

What your mother has done here is cruel. She took a lot of food away from you and your children. Her grandchildren. To feed to her dog. To my mind, she is sending an extremely clear message that she values her dog over and above her own grandchildren and delights in telling you this. Those are not the wise and loving actions of a decent person.

I'm so sorry. I wish there was any way of making this less horrible for you. But I can only echo the advice that your mother has seriously disordered thinking and, if you can, you should distance yourself from her as far as possible.

She has literally taken food from your children's mouths. Please don't allow her to continue treating you and your family like this. It's not easy. But you can break the cycle and put an end to it. Reasonable people do not threaten suicide when they don't get their way. You can choose to limit how much your children are exposed to this and protect them from her influence.

Please do have a look at the Stately Homes threads - they are a safe space where you will be heard and understood.

Best wishes to you. x

Brilliant😂😂My thoughts exactly!

There is a lot of it about at the moment

Don't be so ridiculous. Raw chicken is what dogs SHOULD be eating. You do realise that dogs aren't human?

OP, if your "D"M is behaving this way now, I can imagine you've had a lifetime of this and she's got you and your boundaries worn down. Are there any positives to her being around?

It sounds like you do see her for what she is so I imagine nothing anyone says here will be a revelation to you. But it's an epically shit feeling to know your parent is useless when you need them, and it is actually pretty heartbreaking when you see them actively working against you. Her behaviour is intentional and cruel, like poison disguised as medicine. And the only way to stop it is to just step away from her. You can't rely on any offers of help as frustrating as that is. But it's better (and, in the long term, far easier) to do things on your own, than have to carry the weight of another unhelpful adult.

The only way to deal with a narcissist is to stop feeding them (or their precious dog). It's in your power to make sure that zero of your energy goes her way. You have far more important things to spend it on.

If you must communicate with her, go grey rock. If she's hysterical about something, you respond with something beige like "oh dear, hope you get that sorted soon". Let go of anything you think you "ought" to do for her and cut off any ability for her to use you as her punching bag. She should not get a pass because she is your mother - plus, it sounds like she's squandered any goodwill by her previous behaviour.

If she sees your behaviour shift, she will get worse for a while and call you all things under the sun. Don't rise to it, don't give her any push back, just a neutral "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on. They feed off your emotions like vampires. And I suspect the exH probably had some of these traits too so it may well be good practice for dealing with him! And a good thing to teach your kids.

But I hope you can see that, in light of some really tough changes in your life, you are doing really great.

Also, Farmison is a butcher that delivers and does some deals here and there in case you need an option for the future!