Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

All else said, £80+ of raw meat is a weird gift unless it's discussed and agreed on for some reason.

I reject any arguments that this could have been an hinest mistake. It's insane.

The woman stole a family's shopping. Deliberately and probably for the drama and attention.

Her partner, possibly abusive partner has just abandoned her and the dc. This isn’t helping so they can go to a party. This isn’t a mutual support moment where the op should generously provide for the dog and make it up to her mum, and if the ops mum thinks it is then she should say so not take the meat for her grandchildren’s meals for the whole fucking month.

So at the point of ‘drama drama drama’ you say -

‘Thief. Replace the meat or next time I see you I’ll cook your dog instead. Yes I’ve lost it. Yes there are more important things than your fucking dog. Replace my food and if you won’t, I’ll assume you took it deliberately. Oh and the venison was the special small bone DogChoke2000 version and if you’re going to ‘charge’ me £100+ of food for a couple of hours babysitting, next time you ask to see your grandkids I’ll just say I can get a visit cheaper from a local teenager’

Tell her she won't be visiting next month if she doesn't send you the money to replace the meat she stole from her grandchildren.

Stick to your guns. Do not let this woman set foot in your home again until she pays you for the meat.

Tell her you won't be answering her calls either, until that money is back in your account.

Yeah, tell her to do one.

You are dealing with a monstrously selfish person here.

You could actually do this.

Load the children into the car.

Bang on her door.

Demand your property back.

Make a nice loud scene.

Quite honestly though, my mother would never darken my door again if she ever pulled a stunt like the one your mother has done.

OP

I don't know why you're getting piled on here and you have very clearly asked for the money for the meat.

I have a mum a bit like yours - creates massive drama rather than admit to doing something wrong.

What a tough situation you're in. Arsehole of a husband has just left, you're new to a job so don't get any leeway there, then your mum comes and "helps" for the weekend and cops off with a load of food.

You are doing really well! This too shall pass. Things will improve over time and I'm sure you'll be better off single in the long run.

If you work 9-5 then why can’t you go to the shops after 5? They are open all night. What’s wrong with taking your kids after 5.

'Thanks for clarifying mum, I understand. In that case, unfortunately I can't afford for you to visit again if your fee means I can't afford to feed the kids that month. I'm sure you understand too'.
I know she's your mum, but she sounds like an abusive bitch. One relationship just ended, perhaps it's also time to look at if this one is working for you.

@Littlechesnuttree you did not deserve your mum wiping your fresh meat out or some of these responses...! WTF.

I feed my dogs meat but I wouldnt selfishly take food from my now single parent daughters fridge and think it was for my dog!

If your mum hadnt said consider it her petrol and babysitting money (how utterly proposterous!) I'd have suggested making an order online and asking her to pay for it. But as she has said that, only you know how best to tread so this doesnt end badly. Good luck.

Sh1t happens, sometimes you just have to roll with it. X

I’m so sorry OP.

Your mother sounds like quite the narcissist. I want to go no contact on your behalf, she’s awful!

I’m guessing your ex probably treated you like shit as well.

Please take care of yourself and your kids. Hugs.

Surely this is the point of your relationship to throw down the gauntlet on this bullshit?

Politely inform her that you will not tolerate someone under your roof who would steal food out of the mouths of your children, and you won't be needing her to come to your home or see your children again, ever. She can consider the meat her severance pay since she seems to think she deserves paying for spending time with her family.

Because don't kid yourself that this was some "oh silly me" dizzy mistake, she's actively and knowingly stolen food from her child and grandchildren. If it was a genuine mistake she'd have set herself on fire to fix it. She's a piece of shit, treat her like one.

She's killing her dog slowly, then. Dogs should eat raw meat and raw bones. Cooked meat and no bone content = unhealthy dog.

Simples... Ask her to transfer the total amount - 80 - to your account before you go shopping or her grandchildren will not eat.

Next time she visits have some dry dog food on hand (just in case) and make sure your mother knows that she is to bring all dog food for her dog or not bring the dog.

Don't have her dog to visit ever again if your DM doesn't transfer the money.

Oh @Littlechesnuttree this sounds so awful. You're going through a really hard time.
I think you show incredible resolve to be sticking with your work probation while you navigate your husband leaving you and your mother stealing from you. I hope your employer sees your strenth.
You don't have to have your mother back to stay with you in three weeks if she's only going to drain your emotional (and financial!) resources.

Tell your mum she's not coming back until she rebuys it all and apologises profusely.

My mum wouldn't be invited back if she did that and I'd make sure she'd know exactly why.

Crikey! Some of the replies on here are so vicious. Sorry to hear this OP, I hope your mother sorts it out and then you can put up some firm boundaries. Sending you a virtual hug.

I know my advice is different to everyone else’s but if you can afford it, chalk it up to experience. If you can’t afford it that’s different of course.

But it’s not worth the headache and stress and emotional upset it’s causing you.
Your mum is obviously pretty self involved (mine is a little similar and I know she would lash out too, probably get the hump and then try and make amends in some way).
I hope your mum reflects over the next couple of days that she has made your life harder at what is already a difficult time and makes amends to you.

I hope she has her good points and that she is there for you in whatever way she is able to be in the future.
Best of luck and take care.

Depending on the ages of your children I would be tempted to tell her to pick them up from the train station. As all their food is there she needs to have them for a month.

I cannot believe, well I do believe, but I don't know how someone does something like that. Not to their grandchildren.

The only time I've gone in someone's fridge / freezer was to fill it after I had stayed with someone for a week.

I like this message. No manipulation. No emotion. Purely factual. I am so sorry your mother is doing this. There are some very knowledgeable mumsnetters knocking around, who can help you to keep boundaries up with your mother. The key now is to no longer engage with her or her histrionics. Any phone call etc met with ‘Are you going to transfer the money to me now?’ Her ‘bla bla bla, suicide, me, bla, how could you treat me like this, bla’. Response ‘I haven’t called you to talk about you. I am talking about the food you took from my family. Are you going to reimburse me and transfer the money.’ Etc and if you get nowhere, disengage. ‘Ok we have nothing further to discuss. I will speak to you another time. Bye.’ Disconnect.

I can understand you feel you’re being attacked on all fronts. Your mother really is despicable and no longer deserves your engagement.

Edit - to add. I’d probably remove the ‘I’m sorry, but’ in the post as she will take the sorry as capitulation or some kind of apology rather than softening the message.

Of course dogs can eat dick breast!

Loving the typo 😂😂

This is the perfect response to what your mum has done to you and your DC.

"(this happened before about dealing with a bathroom repair, I couldn’t sort as had a baby and she spiralled and became ‘suicidal’, parentheses is because of course she’s not actually suicidal but you deal with screaming and a mental break down on the phone that you (me) caused) it’s exhausting" Although having read your reply here I wonder if you have become used to her behaviour and that's why you have not really been blunt with her about her behaviour. because she has successfully made you think about HER behaviour rather then continuing to use your narrow bandwidth you have a the moment with everything else you have going on at the moment.

Why on God's little green apple earth would you allow your mother to come visit again? She can take the "money" she spends on petrol and the charge for babysitting her own grandchildren and helping her daughter and stick it up her...assumption that she can do what she wants and whine her way out of it.
I mean, who does that? No one with decency.

Of course you have undue stress. A lot is caused by the woman you call mother. Next time she has a break-down, panic attack or makes an empty threat, tell her you'll miss her and hang the heck up.

Seriously, if there was ever someone to go NC with, it would be her and she certainly would not be welcome back into my house after the newest BS move she pulled and the gaslighting she did after to excuse herself.

I am so sorry you are having so much stress. It cannot be easy to suddenly need to become the "be all" for the family with zero support. I hope you can get into a rhythm that works for your family and a bit of outside support that will not increase your stress levels. Wishing the very best to you and your DC. 🌹🌻

wow! That sounds so difficult. New job, shitty husband, and your “helping” mother.

I understand why you did not have the bandwidth to insist she pay you back / engage with her. Sometimes it just is not worth the energy.

I will however say this: after she made the comment about babysitting, gas etc. you (apparently?) didn’t respond but let things go. That’s completely understandable but will probably lead to your “D”M assuming that you agree with her reasoning. That’s not a good precedent.
So if you have any bandwidth left, I’d tell her the following:

”I don’t pay my family to visit me or my DC, relationships aren’t supposed to be transactional. I do not have the money to replace this meat, which means that your grandchildren will go without unless you pay me back. I hope you’ll make this right.”

”your grandchildren will go without because you won’t replace what you took” should be all you have to say on this matter.

and if she doesn’t repay it you would tell her on her next visit “your grandchildren went without because you didn’t replace what you took.”
No engagement with any of her other arguments. there is nothing else to say on this matter.