Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

I'm a bit confused, OP. Are you just having a vent? If so, that's perfectly understandable but it wasn't clear.

Ultimately, if you've decided to accept DM's outrageous behaviour - and it is your right to do so - the PPs who thought you wanted advice will find that a bit frustrating. And I think you're putting yourself in the firing line for more of the same outrageous behaviour in future. Accept it if you want, but know that you've chosen it.

With kindness OP, your communication with your mum is odd at best.

You both seem to be skirting around the issue and over explaining everything, why say you're "at work and can't go to the shop?", or sarcastically say "I didn't realise I was being charged etc", you've now escalated it into an argument, to the point where she has flounced off and got away with not giving you the money, it's probably what she wanted to happen, and it sounds like you fell right into the trap.

There's a lot of inferring and assumptions being made and in fairness, it's in your posts as well, I think you need to be clearer and more direct with your mother, stop "asking" her what's she's going to do about it or waiting for her to do the right thing and just bloody "tell" her what's happening, you should have asked her for the money to replace as soon as she said she'd made the 'mistake' of taking it, and just kept re-iterating that you haven't got any money to wait for her next visit so she's basically stolen your kids food.

"Mum, if you needed to be paid for visiting me this weekend, you should have told me up front so I could have told you not to come. I cannot afford to pay for you to visit me, and did not agree to pay you. I'm sorry, but there is no contract between us that would have allowed you to take expensive meats out of my refrigerator for yourself. You took my children's food without permission and I cannot afford to replace it or feed my children this month without it. You will need to reimburse me for the food you took. I'll look out for your payment in my bank account."

You are doing well OP, unfortunately you just happen to have a couple of really shitty people in your life. You deserve so much better and losing people like that is no loss. They are takers. You have to protect the important people -you and the kids. If that means cutting off your mum then so be it. She isn't welcome in your home and you won't be ordering her dog anything ever again. I'd rather live on supernoodles for a month than let her steal and think she can waltz back in like she's in the right.
Stay strong and the very best of luck to you.

Okay, OP, I get you, I honestly do. I have experience of relatives who pulled similar stunts, right down to the fake panic attacks and suicide threats, so this is coming from someone who has been there, done that and bought the t-shirt.

Do you think there is any chance she will do a bank transfer if you do your normal things to placate her?

If not, then don't bother. Repeat that you need that money, because she has stolen your children's food, tell her you won't be speaking to her again if she doesn't do a bank transfer, and then block her on every way she has to contact you, until she gives you that money.

He can paint you how he likes, he upped and left them with you, you can't be that bad.

Don't ever let him take them over there or send them to visit him.

Op as someone with a mother very similar to yours I can see why it’s easier not to push it. However, once you are in a better place regarding your relationship and your current situation, you may want to consider whether its of value for you to continue to maintain a relationship with your mum as well. Ive been No contact with mine for years and the peace is joyous. For many years I didn’t even realise there was an issue, that was just “how she was” and it was my job to placate her when she behaved badly.

You may not even realise how not normal your mums behaviour is, because you are so used to it. But your mum has taken food from your kids, and you, at your lowest point and instead of saying sorry it was my mistake, is making you beg and argue for her to refund it. Those are the actions of a nasty selfish person who will never change.

When you feel ready, have a look at the stately homes threads for support and advice. In the meantime you are doing an amazing job keeping things together for your kids

I'm sorry op that's a shitty thing for her to do when you've already so much on your plate.

If it were me, I'd leave it a day or two and then text her and say unfortunately mum I really need you to send me the money for the meat. I spent £80 on it and I needed that to last us a month. As you know I've a lot on my plate right now and I cannot afford to buy a second pack of meat for my children to eat. You will need to send me the money if you want your grand kids to eat this month. My bank details are x. I appreciate your help but if its going to cost me money then I can't afford it in future.

She's taking advantage op and it's not fair of her to put you in that position.

To the people saying she can just bank transfer many older people don't do online banking so I think that would be the reason she can't just transfer the money.

that's why these older people physically go to the bank.. to send money to an account of their choosing, I know several people who won't use online banking so they do this instead.

OP has been dealing with her mother all her life.

I see why you think it's over-explaining, but I think the OP has simply learnt to pre-empt her mother's excuses. In the OP's place, I would be expecting mother dearest to deliberately miss the point and tell me that I could just buy more meat, so I would get in first that I was going to be at work during shopping hours.

Her life has been upended, she's on the edge already and then her mother pulls a Stunt like this but! She's just lost her husband, she's alone with 2 young kids do you really think she wants to disown her mother on top???

I think not, even If she should disown her and who knows maybe she even will when she's stronger, but right now she's not going to be shooing the only help she's got away is she?

People need to stop with the tough love it's your own fault attitude, she's aware that she could be nastier more demanding but then she would suffer more stress, more guilt and have lost her mother on top of the rest of her life imploding. People need to give her a break

Yes and her mother won't, not like she can March her there herself is it? She's got enough on...

You hang up when she starts that nonsense. My mother used to do that drama llama stuff. I'd hang up and she'd try ringing back. I ignored the call. Unplugged phone.

Christ, this is awful behaviour. I would.call her a cunt but she has neither the warmth nor the depth.

Given what you've gone through it is especially awful. Who would think a fridge is a free for all for their dog? You know your place in the hierarchy now, I'd be stepping back massively.

When your mother was a little girl and got told off, she stamped her feet and cried and said she'd scream and scream and scream until she was sick! Her parents must have caved in as she's taken this behaviour into adulthood.

Awful histrionic behaviour from her which you may have tolerated and accepted up until now.

You now have a very stressful situation going on being newly single and working and having young children and this awful awful behaviour from your mother is a drama you can well do without.

She's proven that even if she does come down with a view to helping you, her help is pretty useless.

Given she is far away, is it worth making the effort for her?

I can understand the emotional side of you not wanting to cut her out of your life altogether but I would certainly keep her at a distance and not have her visit or you visit her and keep contact to a minimum whilst you get into your new routine.

@Mummy2024

I haven't recommended that she disown her DM. Did you mean to aim that at me?

There are many ways to make a firm demand or set a boundary.

I'm baffled by anyone thinking the only 2 choices are acquiecence or 'no contact'. I have not recommended either.

Wow the loser really chose a great time to go didn't he. OP you should be unbelievably proud of yourself for even getting up in the morning though this.

Keep going take some holidays a week or two and book something for you and the kids, doesn't have to be massively expensive or very far. If you drive you could go camping just you the kids and a tent. Its very relaxing and It will give you some breathing space.

No not you just the whole thread she's had various suggestions and put downs grow a spine etc. It's cruel given what she's going through.

But not from me.

The way some posters are piling on the OP, who is clearly experiencing a really tough time in their life (and has expressed this repeatedly), is disgusting. It's fine to give advice, but do you have to be so nasty about it?

Oh you poor thing. ID be so furious. I’d send her a text I think and refuse to answer the phone: hi mum, Clearly I can’t afford my mums support for a few hours when I am a recently single mum so don’t help again, and don’t turn up without clearing your hourly rates beforehand. I can give you an idea though- if it’s going to cost me the kids meat fro the month I can’t afford it and don’t come. I won’t be answering the phone, I have enough to deal with without your ‘help’, I have to work out how to feed my kids.

Oh come on, she knew all that meat wasn't for the dog! Tell her she will have to pay you for it 🤷‍♀️

yes, but you was saying her mother 'can't' do it because she doesn't use online banking

I'm saying, she 'can' do it if she wanted to by going to the bank.. saying she's not got online banking is not a good enough reason.

I agree with @GaryLurcher19, you can put up with this shit forever and a day, or you can choose not to be a victim of it anymore.. and that doesn't mean cutting off all contact, it just means you stop allowing people to take the piss out of you.

Also op use entitled to.com to see what help is available to you and make sure you use tax free childcare for the cost of after school clubs you can definitely claim that even if you earn to much for anything else. If your still paying nursery fees it will really help with that.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I imagine the meat situation was the straw that broke the camel's back. At a time when you should be able to turn to your mom and vent and feel supported too.