Rejecting dp’s gift due to irrational phobia

[Korner]

Dp booked an excursion for an upcoming holiday our anniversary. It will be an early morning hot air balloon flight. Apparently it is non-refundable.

My BIGGEST fear in life is burning alive. I know the risk of incident is low but it’s just not worth it for me. I’d probably have to go up with 3 full sized fire extinguishers

Dp thinks im being ridiculous.

AIBU?

Going up in a hot air balloon was always on my bucket list - until...
We had to attend FIL's balloon ascension after SIL bought it for his birthday.

The landing was appauling... it literally smashed into the ground. The guy flying it admited it was rough but said that he'd only had one person breaking a leg on landing.

I don't know if the guy flying it was experienced enough or not, I don't even know how you would find out but I do know the sight put me off for life.

The whole fire aspect hadn't even occured to me. which is an other factor.

Your partner is just stupid, and your fears have nothing to do with it. Buying a hot air balloon ride for someone should never be done unless you have discussed it and you know 100% that this is something the recipient is keen to do. This isn't just going to a museum or the cinema, FGS.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do @Korner but you are not going to burn alive in a hot air balloon. Has that ever even happened?

Just googled burning alive in hot air balloon and it can happen. OP presumably you would jump before you really took hold on fire and as heights isn't one of you fears would this be ok ?

Hot air ballooning certainly carry a risk- I'd be more worried about pilot error/crashing/rough landing than fire. I don't think it is necessarily less safe than flying in an aeroplane, but it certainly feels more exposed. I have got the image in my head from the news of a tourist one crashing and dragging the basket through trees and so on a few years ago which put me off rather.

And DH would no more book something like this without my agreement than he would a tandem parachute jump, that's the point.

I’ve never even thought about doing this before, I have neither a fear of fire nor heights. But I don’t think I’d want to do it? It seems really inconsiderate on your partners behalf, no matter how it’s dressed up 🤨

Your husband is being a double whammy thoughtless idiot.

Failing to understand and empathise with his wife's greatest fear.

And then going ahead and booking a thing that taps directly into it.

A phobia is not rational. They can be treated, by professionals - but forcing/coercing/guilt-tripping the sufferer into an experience that overwhelmingly brings it up where you can't even get away from it?

Dick move.

Do you have anyone who can stand by you? Parents, siblings, in-laws, friends? Anyone who'll help provide a chorus of voices telling him he's fucked up and needs to rethink this 'treat' and turn it into something you'll like?

Failing this, you shouldn't have to but you'll need to keep saying a calm clear 'no, I will not be getting into that basket. Enjoy your flight. I'll be ...' whatever lovely option is available.

Be prepared for sulking, stropping, toys out of pram. Stay strong. 'I would have preferred something we'd both enjoy and could do together. As I say, the answer is no'.

'But -'

'No.'

He cannot actually force you into the basket.

That would be a no from me too! I have done a helicopter ride over Victoria Falls and white water rafting down the Zambezi... neither made me feel elated afterwards ... just terrified!! Not doing anything I'm not entirely happy with any longer!

He should have known you wouldn’t want to. I don’t have this phobia and I wouldn’t want to go in a hot air balloon!

This. Tell him you want jewelry.

So he was stupid (at best) for booking without checking with you first

I don’t think it’s at all irrational to not want to go on a hot balloon trip OP. My idea of hell!

Before I read your post I wondered if it would be a hot air balloon flight!
My husband once suggested this to me for our anniversary (he hadn't booked it). I'm afraid of heights and basically being in a large wicker picnic basket with a flame high up and I made it clear that if he organised it, he'd be going on his own! He didn't book it!

Fire is not an irrational fear, and neither is fear of hot air balloons generally imo.

Oops supposed to say hot air balloon. I think a hot balloon trip might be something different 😂

Then he doesn’t understand phobias, which aren’t rational and are nothing to do with how unlikely the thing is to happen.
He shouldn’t have booked it without asking you first.

I'm with you, OP, and I'm not sure that being scared of fire is really an irrational phobia.

I wouldn't do this having tried a really short trial run with a hot air balloon once. I absolutely hated the feeling of being up in the air with only a basket between me and what was in fact only a few yards of thin air, and I hated the feeling of there being only limited control. I also remembered a Georgette Heyer book - Frederica? - which features a nasty ballooning accident, and the explanations in that book of how easy it is for accidents to happen. Nothing on earth would persuade me to do a proper hot air balloon trip.

It's nonsense that the more you do thinks the more your fear diminishes. People who work in this field will tell you that the reverse is the case, for many people the more you do something the greater your fear. People only cope with things like flights because they have to, and they tend to manage by getting medication. It's not as if OP is going to go up in a hot air balloon several times until her entirely rational fear of fire disappears, is it?

I'm not scared of heights but I wouldn't want an air balloon ride

He’s being unreasonable. Gift or no gift, I would hate it as well and not go.

If he had a phobia of small spaces and you got him a gift of squeezing into tiny caves, that would also be unreasonable.

An arachnophobe treated to Spiderworld. Unreasonable.

etc. He’s being a sulky twat.

I once bought my now DH an indoor skydive experience and we didn't end up going because he's got an irrational fear of wind blowing in your face.

I felt awful, but not too awful as we'd only been going out for 5 months at the time and he'd never told me. Chalked it up to experience and never suggested it since!

If your DP knows of your phobia, but booked it anyway, he's an idiot!

Yes OP fear is irrational, being burned alive could happen at any time due to a freak accident. We just don't think about things that could happen or you wouldn't get out off bed.

Yes they are going to do something that has a small risk of going wrong. But if she goes on rollercoasters that's the same amount off risk.

Yes OP if you were afraid of heights I'd understand but it sounds an amazing experience and I wouldn't let your fear off a small chance off something going wrong to not do it.

But if your going to be so anxious I wouldn't let it ruin ur holiday, yes ur DP should have asked beforehand but then again he was trying to do something nice and thought it would be romantic and a nice surprise.

If you really can't face it, let him go alone and you book something as a surprise of something he fears.

Are you sure the gift isn’t actually for him? Some men do that - book a surprise for their partner, which is something they themselves want. They then convince themselves they’re ‘buying it for DW/DP’ but it’s simply not true.

YANBU to have your phobia or be apprehensive about hot air balloons in general but I do think YABU to have that concern specifically about the hot air balloon! Fire would never have occurred to me as a risk and I’ve been on one, so I don’t think he did this maliciously - it is just not one of the risks anyone without this phobia would conceive of. I think you’re probably less at risk from fire than driving your car.

of course YANBU. Its a shame but phobias are phobias.