DH collections bringing me down.

[SoddingSoda]

I maybe placing too much stress on this ‘issue’ as the cause of my frustrations. I do have a DD (9 months) and maybe next year when I’ve slept more this won’t be such a big issue.

DH is a collector and has lots of perfectly organised boxes full of his collections. He also has perfectly organised boxes of his possessions from a child. Imagine collecting a magazine for a few years as a child, that’s there. Or a box filled of old football boots. Every sporting medal, scout badge, swimming certificate etc. He also collects film memorabilia, which has filled boxes upon boxes. Anything he sees from a couple of franchises he has to buy. He feels by putting it in the loft is a favour to me as he’d prefer to have it out on display in the house. I did mention where he’d like to put his thousand car hot wheel collection? Maybe between the tins of beans or on my make up table…. He does have our office to have shelves filled of this stuff, and whilst there maybe one item from a collection in the other rooms I did have to curb it from taking over.

They have been living in the garage but due to damp/DH finally finishing to board the loft they’ve been moved up there.

They take up exactly 50% of the loft which he feels is fair. But, if I was to put equal amount up there it would then become impossible for the majority of it to be accessed (which he also agrees). I also think he’s probably filled 65% of the space. He wants to be able to access his collections, not just store them.

However the remaining amount of things to go into the loft isn’t really my possessions. Which if it was wouldn’t be an issue as I’m not a hoarder. It’s things such as the Christmas tree/decorations, suitcases, things that DD have grown out of but we’re keeping for the next baby. Useful things that I don’t want to slimline (Xmas decs are tree decs, lights and few misc items - nothing crazy).

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

AIBU to be annoyed that the Christmas tree isn’t my procession and that it’s a problem that he’s got more space for toys/childhood processions that my DD will have. I also want to put a ban on him collecting. He needs to slimline what he’s got before thinking of adding anymore to it…

He’s quite proud that he’s got the loft to 50% his possessions. He’s at work and I’ve been in a foul mood about it all morning. I really don’t want to be a nagging/controlling person but should I draw a hard line on this?

He's got the understanding and management.....he's got over half the loft space for himself

Yup, this.

why don’t you suggest he stores in a rental locker? The thought of paying may sharpen his priorities.

that being said if it’s in the attic you can’t see it and unless YOU want store an equal amount is it a problem?

You may need to consider that he may have OCD, or Aspergers. Collecting to that level is a ‘personality’ issue. It’s not a big deal in the great scheme of things. Is it really the collection that is bothering you so much? Are there other issues? If not and you have a good relationship, I’d gently say you need to be more tolerant about the stuff in the garage.

"He has said if I asked him to sell it all he would" so ask him. And get rid of the football boots.
Maybe if he could get rid of things in a slightly useful way it would help? e.g. old boots/shoes can be recycled.

@SoddingSoda Could he not build himself a leak proof shed and store them correctly in there?

I couldn’t live with a hoarder. And that’s what he is! What is the purpose of his ‘collections’? Is he planning to sell them? Leave your poor DCs to have to one day deal with it all? I think you’re very patient and understanding… I couldn’t be. I hate pointless crap in my house. It serves a purpose or it’s gone…

I feel for you, OP. When my dad died, mum decided to downsize, after 40 odd years of being in the house. I basically emptied cupboards of Family Circle magazines, tapes, notebooks, knick knacks and just binned them. She took so long trying to empty drawers that she had to leave stuff for the house clearance people. Her new and a third of the size house is crammed. Entirely her choice to keep random stuff.

Are you married to Sheldon Cooper?

Watch
'Sort your life out'

But I think if it's kept away in the loft that's a good compromise

Yup

I think I would secretly start selling his collections and proclaiming I have no idea where they have gone where he discovers them missing!

Don’t order the skips just yet, OP.

https://www.stourbridgenews.co.uk/news/18853950.stourbridge-couple-get-250k-star-wars-toys-nearly-binned/

An excel document for his 'collections'? An organised hoarder. Sounds a bit scary.
Was with a guy like this once. His collections were his priority in life. Not me or any future we could have had. Needles to say that relationship didn't last. If I ever suggested he slimline would have literal tantrums.
I just couldn't cope with that as I'm a minimalist so I can understand your frustration.
Did he have some sort of trauma at a young age? He is filling a gap of some sort.

This would annoy me too!

I would say to him that you need to buy a bigger house if you want to collect more things. And just ask him, are you a hoarder?

I get keeping things for sentimental reasons, but not because it's just plainly a collection. Will it become more expensive in the future? Or is it because he is compulsive buying?

Hope you have a strong ceiling. Who’s going to clear all this shite out if he goes first?

I wonder if it's expensive?

And if he absents himself from family life to search for more to buy

He is a hoarder.

These collections are clearly hugely meaningful for your husband, and unlike many people with collecting/hoarding tendencies, he sounds like he's found ways of containing his collection/hoard so it doesn't spill over into the house too much. Personally, because he sounds like a lovely person, and pretty organised, I don't think the 50% of the loft thing would be too much of a problem for me, but I'd be keeping an eye out for opportunities to find ways to decrease the hoard and definitely to contain it somehow, so the problem doesn't get worse in the future. However, I know that these tendencies to collect are overwhelmingly powerful for some people.

As someone who has a tendency to find personal objects hugely meaningful, I've found it helpful to think in quite a fatalistic way about them. It's all going to end up in landfill anyway, so it might as well be me to puts it there (or sends it to a charity shop/recycling).

There’s been quite a few responses over the last couple of days. Quite varied, it’s good to read other experiences from women with similar DP and deep breath ex DP. Same with posters who are also collectors/hoarders themselves. Also good to keep it in check as I’d hate for DD to resent DH.

I’m 95% sure DH doesn’t have ASD/autism. He’s far too emotionally aware. I don’t want to go into too much detail but it is a coping mechanism.

Now it’s all in the loft not cluttering around the house I’m not nearly as annoyed about it. Easy to forget about it while it’s out of sight. I’m now having to round up all the items I want up there how can a baby have so much stuff. I think I was feeling a bit empty from having to be sensitive about his collections when sleep deprived/wanting the house to return to order.

As for suggestions for a storage unit, that has been vetoed as he would like to be able to access his collections regularly/‘enjoy them’. There’s also some collections worth ££,£££. A lot of his collections aren’t worth anything it’s just that he gets a slight buzz of finding something that he’s not already got I.E. American baseballs - he gets a kick of completing a collection, so a spread sheet of all the teams in a certain league to then work out which ones he still needs. He has got rid of a couple of collections that he knows will be impossible to finish. If he knows somebody has lost/damaged a sentimental item he’ll make it his mission to replace it. I have mentioned if he could hone his skills to make a profit but that doesn’t give him the same buzz.

With the COL and having a baby he hasn’t been going crazy with his collections. I guess it means he can control it, which I know he can, but I equally know as much as I want a holiday abroad he wants a new display cabinet.

@SoddingSoda what about OCD/

Lol. There was someone up thread saying this sort of stuff is worth nothing.

Toys are very collectable and some can be hugely valuable.

But they are most valuable in mint and boxed condition. And whether something is going to be worth something or not can often be down to luck of the draw rather than investment/good judgement. So you could collect 1 bit of stuff that is worth more than 1000 other bits combined.

OP:

I’m 95% sure DH doesn’t have ASD/autism. He’s far too emotionally aware. I don’t want to go into too much detail but it is a coping mechanism.

i am sure it is unintentional slight by you but that is a very wrong stereotypical view of autism. It’s called a spectrum for a reason . Not everyone is ‘rainman’, not everyone is non functioning. Many people are not diagnosed until late adulthood, never mind late school period. They hold down jobs, have family, pass exams. They are also more likely to be depressed, suicidal and low paid ie the short straw in society.

the fact you say he has them as a coping mechanism IS one trait of autism.

btw my autistic child is very sensitive and emotional - it’s the neurotypical who (can) be insensitive and unaware.

look up masking and the Internal / external stress it causes. Only a psychiatrist can diagnose but if he is a given bit more empathy from you would go along way than ranting about having the perfect home. For him, you and your children’s sake.

If he is so attached to his childhood stuff he might possibly have an identity confidence problem. Hoarding has a tight grip on him maybe. I might suggest psychotherapy if he was my DH OP. He could pay for it out of the money he spends collecting. Do you have hobby money out of the marital budget?
What happens when your teenage DC have lots of items to store which are necessary to their development and just having fun too? Maybe an angle of the DC come first might persuade him to take up therapy. At the moment it sounds like he is first in everything.
Can he be enticed to sell a portion or a particular part of his collection so there is money to spend on DD and your family life?

My husband collects model cars and has a cabinet full of them and kids tv show vehicles. A few other bits too. Sports and work memorabilia. Used to have collections of magazines from his single days in our loft carted from house to house when we moved. Finally binned the magazines when we downsized. Hadn't ever read any of them over the decades!
But he has his own room now with his collections in and a TV where he can watch sports and stuff I don't like . I do feel I am missing out but I don't have any crafting hobbies that need a room or paint and draw like he can. As long as we are both happy and can have space when we want its all good. Just us and the dogs at home.

Sorry OP, I'm with the collector on this one. My professional life, very well paid, involves compiling Excel spreadsheets with descriptions of mostly old stuff (which some might consider tat), putting them in boxes, labelling them, and retrieving them on the occassions someone wants to look at them. I am an archivist at a large institution.

If his collections are tidy, well organised and, to him, "spark joy" and bring good memories of childhood, why should he give them all up just because he's married now?

One of the projects we run at work is creating "memory boxes" for people with dementia - precisely the kind of stuff your husband is collecting: old magazines, old toys, clothes from the past - anything that might trigger memories of when they were young, when the memories were the most vivid. To make them feel and remember. It's a great success. One person's tat is another person's lifeline.

I see how a lack of space might be an issue - but if it's just about fairness and feuding over 50% of space, it's not worth arguing. Your husband has a hobby/habit which requires space. You don't. I'm sure it can be accommodated somehow.

Maybe if you had made it clear before you married him that he'd have to give up his collections if you are to share a life and a home, he could have made an informed decision before it started driving you crazy.