DH collections bringing me down.

[SoddingSoda]

I maybe placing too much stress on this ‘issue’ as the cause of my frustrations. I do have a DD (9 months) and maybe next year when I’ve slept more this won’t be such a big issue.

DH is a collector and has lots of perfectly organised boxes full of his collections. He also has perfectly organised boxes of his possessions from a child. Imagine collecting a magazine for a few years as a child, that’s there. Or a box filled of old football boots. Every sporting medal, scout badge, swimming certificate etc. He also collects film memorabilia, which has filled boxes upon boxes. Anything he sees from a couple of franchises he has to buy. He feels by putting it in the loft is a favour to me as he’d prefer to have it out on display in the house. I did mention where he’d like to put his thousand car hot wheel collection? Maybe between the tins of beans or on my make up table…. He does have our office to have shelves filled of this stuff, and whilst there maybe one item from a collection in the other rooms I did have to curb it from taking over.

They have been living in the garage but due to damp/DH finally finishing to board the loft they’ve been moved up there.

They take up exactly 50% of the loft which he feels is fair. But, if I was to put equal amount up there it would then become impossible for the majority of it to be accessed (which he also agrees). I also think he’s probably filled 65% of the space. He wants to be able to access his collections, not just store them.

However the remaining amount of things to go into the loft isn’t really my possessions. Which if it was wouldn’t be an issue as I’m not a hoarder. It’s things such as the Christmas tree/decorations, suitcases, things that DD have grown out of but we’re keeping for the next baby. Useful things that I don’t want to slimline (Xmas decs are tree decs, lights and few misc items - nothing crazy).

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

AIBU to be annoyed that the Christmas tree isn’t my procession and that it’s a problem that he’s got more space for toys/childhood processions that my DD will have. I also want to put a ban on him collecting. He needs to slimline what he’s got before thinking of adding anymore to it…

He’s quite proud that he’s got the loft to 50% his possessions. He’s at work and I’ve been in a foul mood about it all morning. I really don’t want to be a nagging/controlling person but should I draw a hard line on this?

This is reminding me of a friend who found to her surprise that it was quite easy to pack up her possessions from the marital home, because ' it turns out that ex had half the household space, and the other four of us had the other half.'

He can sod off with counting the house-and-children's possessions as yours.

Oh yes.

I don’t think it’s a problem. Most of it’s in the loft. There’s still space in the loft for other things. As hobbies and interests go, it seems pretty harmless to me.

Im afraid im on team DH here.
If his collections are organised and out of sight and you don't actually need 50% of the loft space but want it because "fair" then I think you're being unreasonable.

If he's cataloguing and visiting his collections then they clearly give him comfort and a sense of order, and if he enjoys them and can afford them -

Ask him what will happen to them when he dies. Make him think about how dumb it is to hoard stuff in life, that he can't take with him.

I'd be saying that if he dies first, it will go to the tip or auction.

It sounds like you are getting angry over this stuff just existing.

Sure there is a limit to how much stuff someone can have.

But if he were to say put it all into storage would you be happy with that ? Or just angry at the fact it was costing money to store the stuff ? Because that could be money that is spent on your DD ?

I mean it is not affecting your life, it's taking up 50% of the loft which is mostly used for storage in most peoples houses.

He collects stuff. That is who he is. I doubt whether you can separate the person from the collections.

But there is obviously a limit as to how big the collections can get before they start impacting on your life and living space.

But it comes across that you are building up an incredible amount of anger about this and you probably need to find a more reasonable half way point if your relationship is to survive.

I think this is it.

I’m not quite sure why I am currently angry over these things existing. The grand scheme of things it’s not really a big deal. He’s a great dad and husband, a real lovely human being.

Maybe slightly peeved how long it’s took him to board the loft and then reorganise things to get it up there. Unless I find patience it’s not going to be fun highlighting what things I think should go in there aka ‘my possessions’. I guess currently the issue is that he thinks it’s achievement to fill 65% of the loft to the rafters (there is still some rogue boxes kicking about) and still not realised that this hobby isn’t sustainable.

I think I’m slightly annoyed as we’re not high income. He keeps talking about building the man cave as in its a priority, but that’s going to be 10-15k as he’s got high standards. I now don’t engage in conversation in it, as he has had much cheaper/practical options that he’s vetoed.

Also it’s slightly annoying when he’s made out DD Moses basket not fitting up there is our problem to solve etc.

Whilst I did not go into this marriage blind I didn’t realise how much collecting is ingrained into him. A lot of his boxes looks like boxes filled of tat.

If anything it’s his current mentality that he’s compromising by not having the full loft and it’s now ‘fair’. I think he’s fishing for praise for condensing his collections to the loft.

BUT, he is a kind and caring man. It is (currently) confined to the loft (mostly) and his organisation skills are handy around the house.

OP, I feel for you. I don't understand the need to accumulate crap and then get pleasure with it being in a box in the loft.
Your house is a family house, not a single man's pad. I'd suggest putting some of it in storage to 'keep it safe'. Once it starts costing him money to store, it may change habits?

I feel like I am living in some sort of alternate universe sometimes. I couldn't imagine caring who has what percentage of the loft. You need some actual problems!

He could solve all his problems by getting rid of one thing...

wtf what an idiot he is. Why are you considering another child with him?!

"He sounds nuts"

Ableism right there.

Gotta love MN.

Hmm, there's a big difference between a Hot Wheels collection and a box of old football boots. One is collecting, the other is hoarding. Would it help to get him back to 50% by having a clearer line on what counts as collecting? Even collectors have clear-outs from time to time and he needs to prioritise the actual childhood being lived in his house over preserving relics from his own. Fine to keep hold of genuine memorabilia but manky old boots no one will ever wear again? Not fine. I'd start there as a practical step. Enforce the limits while being supportive and nice about his genuine nerdy collecting side. It just can't get into the unreasonable, selfish or grotty levels or he can go and live alone in a man cave. His Hot Wheels won't keep him company like his family would.

Hotwheels collections can be worth thousands.
Individual models can be worth thousands also.

Very easy to write collections off as trash on the proviso that "we" arent interested in them.

Yeah, but that's only relevant to the OP if her DH is prepared to sell them! Otherwise it's irrelevant whether most of the boxes are old football boots and Scout memorabilia, or priceless Hot Wheels.

I think it was the manky old football boots the PP thought he should dump - not the Hot Wheels models!

If that's aimed at me, you're entirely missing my point.

Is he diagnosed with autism?

I think all relationships are comprise to one level or another.

You have to learn to live with the bits of people that are less good. In this case what sounds like obsessive collection.

You see your house as a space for you to bring up your kids and don't want any compromises in that. He sees it as a place to store his stuff as well. I don't think either way of looking at it is right or wrong.

I would consider whether or not the 15k for the man cave would be a small price to pay for saving your relationship. You could tell him all his stuff including the stuff in the loft has to go in there, and what he does in there is his business. But the house is not for collecting stuff. That way the house can be kept free of his stuff and you don't have to concern yourself with what happens outside. He gets to do what he wants with that space and if he wants to fill it with tat that is his business. It also is an easier way to put a red line between his collection and the living space.

I think the biggest issue you have is that he is probably not going to stop collecting stuff. This is part of who he is. So the loft is going to get more and more filled with stuff and you are going to get more and more irate unless you can move his stuff into a physically separate space.

I don't think I'd have a problem as long as there was still space to store whatever else need to be stored in the loft, and that everything was boxed up and stored neatly.

I honestly couldn't tell you what proportion of the loft is DH's stuff, what proportion of the loft is my stuff and what proportion of the loft is joint stuff.

I also think it's reasonable for him to have a selection of his things on display - with the caveat that they're kept neat and tidy and it's his job to clean/dust them.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater I feel you (and I love Call Tyrone.) My behaviour, following our split wasn't quite so extreme. I sold the valuable pieces and left the rest to rot in the shed until we finally agreed a method years later, to remove it. He could have picked it up at any time. His spending of family money on this shit pissed me off. I hear he's still doing it. His girlfriend's problem now 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn’t care too much about the stuff being in the loft because i don’t have much stuff and it’s out of the way up there. However, I’d be really pissed off if I was running the house and doing childcare and my DP (imaginary DP - I do not have one thank goodness🤣) was playing with his toys in the loft and keeping spreadsheets.

I’d also be thinking about how much all that stuff is worth and how much better off we’d be if he sold it on eBay!

This is his hobby. It makes him happy, and your contempt for his hobby needs to be separated from the practical issues you raise, which are space and division of finances. These are prefectly reasonable considerations. You say he is a good husband and father - so work on how his hobby can be accommodated fairly.

You don't need to put an equal amount in the loft. Your hobby, whatever it is, does not take up space. He is wrong to suggest that stuff which isn't his is by default yours, but that is not the real issue.

So, put a reasonable limit on how much of the house he can have to store his collectibles. After that, it's one in, one out.

If you think he is not dividing up money fairly, address that, but it's up to him what he wants to spend his hobby money on, and he deserves your support, not your contempt.

A hoarder is still a hoarder even if everything is neatly stored in boxes and meticulously logged with spreadsheets. This would drive me crazy. Is is worth anything? Is it insured, for example? Or is it just nostalgic tat? YANBU. Be REALLY strict with your boundaries and impress upon him that "your" things in the attic are actually shared, so you don't actually have half the space at all.