DH collections bringing me down.

[SoddingSoda]

I maybe placing too much stress on this ‘issue’ as the cause of my frustrations. I do have a DD (9 months) and maybe next year when I’ve slept more this won’t be such a big issue.

DH is a collector and has lots of perfectly organised boxes full of his collections. He also has perfectly organised boxes of his possessions from a child. Imagine collecting a magazine for a few years as a child, that’s there. Or a box filled of old football boots. Every sporting medal, scout badge, swimming certificate etc. He also collects film memorabilia, which has filled boxes upon boxes. Anything he sees from a couple of franchises he has to buy. He feels by putting it in the loft is a favour to me as he’d prefer to have it out on display in the house. I did mention where he’d like to put his thousand car hot wheel collection? Maybe between the tins of beans or on my make up table…. He does have our office to have shelves filled of this stuff, and whilst there maybe one item from a collection in the other rooms I did have to curb it from taking over.

They have been living in the garage but due to damp/DH finally finishing to board the loft they’ve been moved up there.

They take up exactly 50% of the loft which he feels is fair. But, if I was to put equal amount up there it would then become impossible for the majority of it to be accessed (which he also agrees). I also think he’s probably filled 65% of the space. He wants to be able to access his collections, not just store them.

However the remaining amount of things to go into the loft isn’t really my possessions. Which if it was wouldn’t be an issue as I’m not a hoarder. It’s things such as the Christmas tree/decorations, suitcases, things that DD have grown out of but we’re keeping for the next baby. Useful things that I don’t want to slimline (Xmas decs are tree decs, lights and few misc items - nothing crazy).

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

AIBU to be annoyed that the Christmas tree isn’t my procession and that it’s a problem that he’s got more space for toys/childhood processions that my DD will have. I also want to put a ban on him collecting. He needs to slimline what he’s got before thinking of adding anymore to it…

He’s quite proud that he’s got the loft to 50% his possessions. He’s at work and I’ve been in a foul mood about it all morning. I really don’t want to be a nagging/controlling person but should I draw a hard line on this?

Cheaper than a 10-15k man cave…. Could he hire a self storage unit? Regard it as the cost of his hobby (so cost comes out of his personal spends or whatever you do) ? Or does he want to be able to look at his collections regularly ?

You say ‘collector’, I’d say ‘hoarder’.

It would be so irritating to me that I couldn’t tolerate it.

This will only get more weird and unbearable.

Similar husband here although less organised, no spreadsheets.
I don't care at all about our attic but his hobby collections fill all the 'spare' space in the house. We actually have a s.all spare room I want as a study but it's full of his stuff and so is the storage furniture I'd like to keep for guests.

He always says he's getting rid of some of it but that takes forever, or never happens.

He's gets very offended if I bring it up as he takes it as a rejection of him and his interests rather than a practical space issue. So frustrating.
It's only a bearable issue because we have spare space in the house but I would lobe to find an actual solution. He can't seem to stop identifying with the STUFF.

Another vote for the Hoarder conclusion.

Hoarding isn't a thing people do to be unreasonable or annoying.

It's the tip of an iceberg that needs investigating. It can be a symptom of distress, the only way the hoarder feels they can be comfortable.

What was his childhood like? His parents?

He won't change because you want him to. It's part of his personality.

If you love him, and he's the good man and dad you'd want to be with, it may be a case of accepting the package.

Or if you can't bear it - and to be honest, it gets worse with age and subjecting another baby to it might not be wise - it may be time to consider how you want your next decades to be.

This is who I'm picturing

My dad was a 'collector', he loved stuff more than us.
I sold my boxed Lego to middle aged men who hadn't got their Xmas presents in 1982. Turns out my dad's controlling nature had sucked a lot of joy out of it and I bought my kids new Lego relevant to them.
The thing about collections is that most people don't want the collectables of the past so coins, stamps, cigarette cards, model toy soldiers are worthless as their aging collectors die off.
I predict that comic book franchise collectables, vinyl, this generations Lego will be as unwanted as an Elvis 78 record today.

Sorting out my dad's stuff switched my grief to hate. I feel utterly cold about him now and it's made me a bit ruthless around my own house.
I certainly don't expect my kids to have any attachment to things I have chosen to live with. It's up to them to forge their own identities with their choices.

You could do one in one out where he can only buy something new when he's sold something.

No advice but in a similar situation here. My husband has boxes and boxes of his childhood toys such as Lego, hot wheels cars, micromachines etc. Not things like old football boots though. He seems to think that these physically possessions = his childhood as if to get rid of any would mean he was getting rid of his childhood.

He also has an excel sheet of one of his collections...

Ok
So if someone was similar to this man ,
Where would someone go to get advice to make changes,
Maybe someone has autism and has taken over the loft entirely with every single baby and toddler item their 4 adult children possessed
Maybe someone has kept every item of clothing for the last 30 years also in the loft .
Where would someone start .?
Just out of curiosity

We found notebooks full of tick sheets of boxed toy cars never played with. Between the collectables and then collecting every port a P&O cruise ship ever docked at, they spunked hundreds of thousands of pounds. Once a 'collector' always a collector but they never wanted to collect happy afternoons.

Is this even safe for your house? I’ve not owned one but we’ve always been told to only keep a reasonable amount in the loft, spread it out and use sparingly.

I had an ex who collected some pewter model shitty things. Had a few boxes of them. He had other toys as well.

We were under thirty so I think he had potential to go further. When we moved in together we had strong words and we "agreed" they would not go on display. I never asked what he did with them.

We split up, he moved out. He apparently couldn't find them but as I'd never paid attention I had no wisdom to offer on it.

I moved out many years later and one of the removal guys found two boxes of it all in the loft (people had been up there in the meantime but I think they were shoved into the eaves). Probably about a hundred of the things, they cost between a tenner and up to about fifty quid each.

I took great joy in donating them to a charity shop who were thrilled!

I really think I wouldn't put up with that any more, though I'd never live with anyone again so I guess it doesn't matter.

Actually I think Lego is pretty timeless. The prices for Lego sets seem to hold up pretty well. If it is mint and boxed of course.

Meccano is different. That is very much looked on as an old toy and not modern. Prices for that don't seem to have held up anywhere near as well as Lego. I expect train sets to go the same way, if they haven't already.

My Dad collected a particular type of model car. But he chose the wrong type. Some types are worth a fortune. A good proportion of his are worth less than their purchase price.

Sometimes it is hard to predict what will be worth something in a few years time.

I think you are right that a lot of people want to collect stuff they had as kids. So that stuff becomes worth less as generations move on and kids have different toys.

As for vinyl not being worth anything. Hmmm.

Unfortunately, it's therapy. CBT night help, or EDMR.

It wasnt.

Oh dear, I'm a collector too BUT I live on my own and my 3rd bedroom houses my collection, also it's worth a lot of money as it's very niche and I've been collecting since the 1980's. I've told my adult DS he can auction the lot when I'm dead. It should give him quite a nest egg.
It is something that never goes out of fashion and is really museum quality.
Really he either needs an extra room to house this stuff or an outdoor lockable man cave.
At my last house I had an outbuilding that I stored everything in.

I'm a minimalist and too much stuff makes me anxious. But what is the point of a collection or collections if they get put in the loft? Does he think some of it is worth anything?

Some of his collections sound like hoarding. What happens when his share of the loft gets full? It sounds like whatever he's collecting will never be enough.

I like the idea of 50% for family stuff like the Christmas tree and then a third each for each of you. If he gets a full 50% it will soon overrun the 50% you, your child and family space and then what?

He sounds selfish.

I agree with this. Don't start quibbling over whether it's fair that the joint stuff counts as part of your half. I think you should stick to half the loft as your boundary - but be very very firm about it.

I'm a minimalist and too much stuff makes me anxious.

Me too, this thread is actually making me feel a bit uneasy. I couldn't live with a hoarder or anyone into collectables or hanging onto old crap for sentimental reasons.

Sadly for my children my ex, whilst loud at proclaiming how much he loved his DD, preferred his collections to us. He also slowly reduced the amount of money he put in the “family pot” saying he had bills to pay…bills that was actually him prioritising new additions to his collections over the happiness and welfare of the children.
When we moved house his belongings took priority and I had to get rid of personal affects of mine and children to reduce the removals costs. I never forgot that.
It took me a couple more years to admit defeat, and I wish I had got rid of him sooner than I did.

Would it matter either way if he had it or not?

The problem still exists

Im not sure this is true.

We sold off a load of cooms and toys that weee part of someone’s collection.

They fetched 15k

I imagine an Elvis 78 is worth something.

I love a collection and really struggle to throw anything away - it's not just men. And DD was exasperated when I told her how proud I was of her interrailing spreadsheet; "of all the things I've done!" was her response! But I do recognise that I have to be realistic about what is reasonable in a limited space, even if it takes a bit of nagging from DH.

Some vinyl can be worth a fortune. But depends on lots of things like whether it was a rare edition etc.

I have sold some 12" recently. Not for amazing money but was surprised how much I got for a pile of stuff just sitting in the loft. I think a lot of people like the cover art on 12" vinyl. Some of it is amazing.

Your husband is a hoarder.

He won't believe this, because it's all 'collections' as far as he's concerned, and he won't accept it's a problem because he has only taken his own half of the attic, and the office, to hoard it in.

Get support for yourself.

Try to get your husband to seek therapy.