DH collections bringing me down.

[SoddingSoda]

I maybe placing too much stress on this ‘issue’ as the cause of my frustrations. I do have a DD (9 months) and maybe next year when I’ve slept more this won’t be such a big issue.

DH is a collector and has lots of perfectly organised boxes full of his collections. He also has perfectly organised boxes of his possessions from a child. Imagine collecting a magazine for a few years as a child, that’s there. Or a box filled of old football boots. Every sporting medal, scout badge, swimming certificate etc. He also collects film memorabilia, which has filled boxes upon boxes. Anything he sees from a couple of franchises he has to buy. He feels by putting it in the loft is a favour to me as he’d prefer to have it out on display in the house. I did mention where he’d like to put his thousand car hot wheel collection? Maybe between the tins of beans or on my make up table…. He does have our office to have shelves filled of this stuff, and whilst there maybe one item from a collection in the other rooms I did have to curb it from taking over.

They have been living in the garage but due to damp/DH finally finishing to board the loft they’ve been moved up there.

They take up exactly 50% of the loft which he feels is fair. But, if I was to put equal amount up there it would then become impossible for the majority of it to be accessed (which he also agrees). I also think he’s probably filled 65% of the space. He wants to be able to access his collections, not just store them.

However the remaining amount of things to go into the loft isn’t really my possessions. Which if it was wouldn’t be an issue as I’m not a hoarder. It’s things such as the Christmas tree/decorations, suitcases, things that DD have grown out of but we’re keeping for the next baby. Useful things that I don’t want to slimline (Xmas decs are tree decs, lights and few misc items - nothing crazy).

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

AIBU to be annoyed that the Christmas tree isn’t my procession and that it’s a problem that he’s got more space for toys/childhood processions that my DD will have. I also want to put a ban on him collecting. He needs to slimline what he’s got before thinking of adding anymore to it…

He’s quite proud that he’s got the loft to 50% his possessions. He’s at work and I’ve been in a foul mood about it all morning. I really don’t want to be a nagging/controlling person but should I draw a hard line on this?

This doesn’t make any sense at all as an argument. I’m sure he understands what death means.

”If you die first, it will all go to the tip or auction” isn’t really much of a threat. Unless OP’s husband is planning on haunting her, what happens to these things when he dies isn’t really an issue for him.

OP: 'He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.'

He's never going to stop!

This sounds closer to hoarding than collecting. An organised hoarder is still a hoarder.

Oh god no! Don't let him go down the 'display' route....pointless bits of junk to then DUST!!

Same 🙂

Is he a lodger in your house? I can't get my head around him not being allowed to have things in his own home just because you don't like them. Unless he tells you no too to things you want, I don't see why he can't bring a daft egg timer into the kitchen. He obviously gets enjoyment from collecting things and even tries to share that with you, but it is clear that you don't care and want to banish anything meaningless to you to the loft where you can't see it. Yet you still resent its presence because it's still in your house. It's no wonder he wants his own man cave to display his things so he doesn't have to keep going into the loft to enjoy them.

He can't change who he is, but you can also create boundaries about how much of his crap you allow in your home. It shouldn't be your job to do that but your DP is seemingly incapable of doing that so you either create those firm boundaries or leave him.

DH tried similar tactics when I made him store some of his beloved collections away, but over time he saw that they were utterly useless, valueless and just making our house look cluttered and awful. The day he agreed to hire the skip was the best day of my life!

He has kept the collections that mean the most, and he stores them in his office. The rest do not encroach on the family home AT ALL.

I just want to warn you that he will likely get worse with age. Both my dad and grandad were like this and both got worse with age and moved onto being proper hoarders.

My grandmother dealt with it by binning anything that grandad left where he wasn't supposed to. I'm sure it caused massive rows but he did limit himself more. My mum let my dad do as he pleased and her house now resembles Steptoe's Yard.

Tell him where the boundary is agree what will happen if he goes over it.

And yes - get him to sell some of it. Take him up on that offer. I guarantee he will freak out and not go through with it

Looney tunes remote 😱😂

Maybe educate yourself about hoarding.

It's not about the things.

It's a crutch for him. He knows it's a problem, otherwise he wouldn't be making remarks about selling it, and he wouldn't be so defensive about it - fear of changing who he is. He is clinging to his crutch.

He angles for your attention while checking out of real life. He doesn't have to parent his child while his head is full of this stuff. He keeps you from dealing with reality too.

He needs to address this in therapy.
Topics to bring up would be anxiety and avoidance.

@AngryEngine nailed it.

they never wanted to collect happy afternoons...

No household needs one of those. Ever.

Could you compromise and have him rent a small storage unit? You would get your loft/house back, he could continue to collect. He pays for it and can have an evening a week alone to go and tend to it

This really is hoarder territory.
Only serious therapy will sort this.

My god, this site sometimes!

Shouts of "hoarder" "LTB" "dont have another child" "therapy" All because he has a hobby that takes up half the loft.

And why should he give up his collections just because he has children now - the mentality that parents must give up everything for their children staggers me.

Men really cant do anything right on this site, hes home most of the time and sounds like a committed partner to the family and the house, but its still wrong.

I just cant with that nonsense. Does he realize that once he's gone (sorry, I know) the majority of it will just end up chucked out or donated?

But that’s true of literally everything physical thing anyone owns. Should none of us ever buy anything we like, on the basis that we’ll eventually turn up our toes?

There's a difference between a comedy bottle opener, in use, that you choose together or is part of your cultural life and 50 bottle openers, in their packaging stored away. My dad never got that and my mum ended up gate keeping to prevent the pepper grinder purchase becoming a collection.

Obviously no, of course not. If it’s something you love and it gives you joy go right ahead. If it’s causing issues in a relationship and a household then it needs to be addressed. Holding onto towers of stuff that is distressing to others is the issue.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater

Is what he collects worth anything?

How has this stuff figured in the financial
Settlement of your divorce?

@VanGoghsDog

Sounds unnecessarily unkind. Why not just give them back to him?

He left no contact details, and it was many years later. As I said.

He walked out and left me paying the mortgage on my own. I didn't owe him anything.

He was obviously like this when you first got together,yes ?

Did you assume he'd change once you had a child?

He sounds like he'll be a massive hoarder at some point.