DH collections bringing me down.

[SoddingSoda]

I maybe placing too much stress on this ‘issue’ as the cause of my frustrations. I do have a DD (9 months) and maybe next year when I’ve slept more this won’t be such a big issue.

DH is a collector and has lots of perfectly organised boxes full of his collections. He also has perfectly organised boxes of his possessions from a child. Imagine collecting a magazine for a few years as a child, that’s there. Or a box filled of old football boots. Every sporting medal, scout badge, swimming certificate etc. He also collects film memorabilia, which has filled boxes upon boxes. Anything he sees from a couple of franchises he has to buy. He feels by putting it in the loft is a favour to me as he’d prefer to have it out on display in the house. I did mention where he’d like to put his thousand car hot wheel collection? Maybe between the tins of beans or on my make up table…. He does have our office to have shelves filled of this stuff, and whilst there maybe one item from a collection in the other rooms I did have to curb it from taking over.

They have been living in the garage but due to damp/DH finally finishing to board the loft they’ve been moved up there.

They take up exactly 50% of the loft which he feels is fair. But, if I was to put equal amount up there it would then become impossible for the majority of it to be accessed (which he also agrees). I also think he’s probably filled 65% of the space. He wants to be able to access his collections, not just store them.

However the remaining amount of things to go into the loft isn’t really my possessions. Which if it was wouldn’t be an issue as I’m not a hoarder. It’s things such as the Christmas tree/decorations, suitcases, things that DD have grown out of but we’re keeping for the next baby. Useful things that I don’t want to slimline (Xmas decs are tree decs, lights and few misc items - nothing crazy).

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

AIBU to be annoyed that the Christmas tree isn’t my procession and that it’s a problem that he’s got more space for toys/childhood processions that my DD will have. I also want to put a ban on him collecting. He needs to slimline what he’s got before thinking of adding anymore to it…

He’s quite proud that he’s got the loft to 50% his possessions. He’s at work and I’ve been in a foul mood about it all morning. I really don’t want to be a nagging/controlling person but should I draw a hard line on this?

Sell it!! he's not a collector; he's a hoarder.
He's keeping everything, a collection would be particular themed items.

I would find this unbearable and selfish. When he dies, other people will be left to deal with it all. I speak from experience. I could not tolerate this now.

Can he compromise and take photos of the stuff and categorise the photos then move the stuff on. What is the point of possessions stuck in boxes?

Going on and on about his collection to you, oblivious to your child needing attention sounds like info dumping, which is another autistic trait.

Does he have other autistic traits OP?

You can only control yourself, so I'd be telling him next time that actually you're not that interested in the collection and you're busy. You can tell him that the 'man cave' will have to wait as it's not a necessity.

The loft needs to contain family items first, then hobby stuff.

An equal amount of money should be available to each of you for hobbies, so work out together what that amount will be.

It all sounds ridiculous but probably harmless if there are some clear boundaries around it.

It shouldn't take over your house, or drain your finances, or eat into family time.

Yapping on about his latest Spider-Man mousepad or whatever to someone who doesn't share the interest shows a lack of social awareness.

How about he has 100% of the loft and he lives up there on his own…?

He’s spent the last few weekends sorting out his collections, updating his excel document of what he’s got, and what he’s missing.

How did your vagina not snap shut like a bear trap?

I don't know whether it's autism or a mental health condition, as has been suggested, but it is clear that these possessions are important to him and I don't think asking op how she can possibly be attracted to him, or telling her to make him get rid of them, are particularly kind or helpful.

To be honest, I've got some sympathy with him. He isn't displaying these items, or asking for a room in the house for them. Instead they're in boxes and he's boarded the loft to store them out of everyone's way.
So where's the harm in that?

He's saying that 50% of the space is for him and 50% of the space is for household storage such as Xmas decorations although op does say it's more 60/40.

So is the issue that op doesn't have 50% of the loft space for her storage needs? Because I can't see where she says that she's got anything to store.

So for me this would be an ideal solution - all of the stuff in the attic so I can't see it.

Presumably, op knew he was autistic and had these collections before she bought a house with him or started a family, so any change will need to be sensitive and gradual. You can't just dump an autistic person's special interests overnight.

You are married to a hoarder . Give it a few years and you won't get in the front door . You may tolerate this but it's not fair on your daughter.

I think it's a bit like Mr Rochester being married to Jane Eyre when the first Mrs Rochester is up in the loft/attic.

I looked up infodumping here.

https://www.yourlifeaba.com/blog/hyperfixation-infodumping-and-autism-parents-guide

That's all very well if you're happy for your husband to be - in respect of the collecting/hoarding - a child.

A bit more problematic when it's meant to be an equal relationship of adults. I did find the book, 'The Life of Stuff' helpful.

Unrestrained collecting is just another name for hoarding. He just does it neatly.

You can get more and more space, and he will fill it all up and still look for more.

At the end of the day, the inability to let go of things is an obsessive compulsion, an illness. It will co timer to fire if he doesn't take steps to rein it in.

I wonder if hoarding could be an example of hyperfixation in itself? The stuff being the special interest?

I think you need some professional outside help to set some boundaries. This doesn't sound like something that will get better but will get worse as he gets older.

And it will impact on the kids...

You've been remarkably understanding. But if it was me I'd be thinking he cared more about his spreadsheets and 'stuff' than me and the kids....

Have a look at this set of threads (it's on number 11) by people with ND partners.

Do you recognise any of the experiences they're sharing?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11?page=2

I don't see how diagnosing him as autistic is helpful either

The problem still exists either way

@OhHelloMiss Ask those who received a late diagnosis, or those who live with with them, how helpful it has been.

You mean a proper diagnosis or a mumsnet one??

Do you listen to The ADHD Adults podcast???….sorry….very much off topic!!
I would really struggle with this too!!! Anal doesn’t begin to describe it!!

I’m assuming he is neurodiverse and it’s really hard to get rid of things that you’ve spent your life collecting and hyperfixating on. Could he sell anything to buy something for the family? Or his dream collectible? Or is it all things that are personal/non-valuable?

Fil has a similar mentality. His eldest is now 60 with gown up kids. Who needs a nest egg at 60?

Sell it and enjoy watching him put his his nest egg to use now.

By leaving it to him you're just leaving him a big sad task that will break his heart.

But she's still alive and still enjoys keeping it. Should no one own anything in case it inconveniences people after death?

Is he diagnosed ND or OCD or if not, is he showing other signs of possible neurodiversity? Does he fully understand the situation? If he's generally a good person, not controlling or manipulative, might be worth looking into if not diagnosed. Spoken from a lifetime of experience!

Best things to do, is set strict rules for further items and if something comes in, something goes out rule. Like you do with hoarders.

And to put a positive spin on things, look at it this way. There's possibly a huge financial pot sat there should it ever be needed.

To whoever said why would you shag someone who makes excell sheets for their collections... Just wow. Managing things methodically does not make you unattractive. I'd rather have a partner that has some managed collections than an obsessive gamer or footy lout.

Why will it be “heartbreaking” for him to sell it when he doesn’t want it (as presumably he won’t sell it if he does), but not for the OP to sell it when she does want it?

I wonder if you aren’t angry at what he currently has, but the indication that he intends to continue collecting and adding to this stuff… that obviously comes with a financial implication.

I would ask him if he would limit his continued collecting to just one type of thing ie pokemon cards or toy cars etc and the rest he will have to accept that is as big as his collection will get.

as a side point, is he neurodiverse? I only ask because I have a neurodiverse child who is obsessed with collecting (funko pops, iconic drinks bottles, Coins and pokemon cards are his passions). We have told him he can only add to his collections if they come in the shape of birthday/christmas gifts and he is. Or to continue to spend other money on them to try to prevent the scenario you have now.

I think it’s reasonable to point out that while some of you are minimalists and this amount of stuff makes you feel anxious, that could be just a much manifestation of a mental health issue such as OCD, anxiety etc. as the OP’s OH is showing in accumulating this stuff. I’m an antiques dealer so my house has an ever-changing range of items coming in and out, and this makes my house feel comfortable and loved. The vast majority is stored away but some of it is too lovely not to be displayed. A minimalist house would put me on edge, as it would feel corporate and soulless to me! That being said, these are items which have value, and I assume that a great proportion of the OP’s OH’s collections do as well. What appears like boxes of tat to the untrained eye can actually be valuable - don’t dismiss it just because you don’t know anything about it. However, I would draw the line at boxes of stinky old footie boots and the like which clearly have no value other than sentimental. Meet him halfway, offer to help him chuck all the valueless stuff and then take over that space yourself. Or suggest that he thin out the collection by taking some of it to auction, and he can spend the proceeds on his man cave. After all, it’s not like he’s gambling it away or pissing it all up the wall.

He needs to look at a storage centre and rent a unit. He can put his things in there or tell him to move back in with his parents if he can’t shift some of it to allow you to have a proper home. He sounds like he hasn’t grown up to be honest. If he likes collecting, fair play but he needs to find a space outside of the house for it all.

Because then you know how/where you can get support to manage it. You know what you're dealing with as a bigger picture.
Being ND is not laziness, selfishness, ignorance of others (by choice) or anything else negative. It's literally the brain is wired differently and processing information is difficult and different.
There is not a magic wand that can be swished and all symptoms are gone. It's about understanding and management.

😢 Glad you’re ok now. And be proud of being houseproud! My mum was brought up in a dump and, as an adult, her home was beautifully clean and tidy.