My boring family and I

[Ohwowhowutterlyexciting]

Did anyone get to a certain age or when your child was a certain age (if you have kids) of feeling trapped and bored?
I had Dd later in life due to infertility, so I’d lived a lot (not sure if that makes things easier or harder)
Having her was a shock to the system, but I embraced it all completely and hard as it was at times, I loved being a mum and everything that went along with it-soft play, playgrounds, play dates, crafts and so on.
Dd is 6 now and I’m starting to feel very trapped and quite depressed watching others social media (I’ve not really been like this before)
Dd doesn’t like to go out much recently and just wants her friends to come to play, which they do every weekend. Dh generally just wants to *Chill at home at weekends and falls asleep in the afternoon.
I just feel so trapped, sat in the house on a beautiful sunny day (live abroad) seeing everyone else out at the beach or pool and no one wants to do anything. The only way I can escape is to go to the shop or take the dog for a walk.
Is anyone else’s family like this or does anyone feel like this? I feel like I’ve been fine with lovely play dates with friends and embracing being a mum and now i’m missing my old life of no responsibilities and being drunk and going to festivals and travelling.
I realise I sound so selfish, but is this it now?
Im 45 so maybe it’s peri?
Feel like life is passing me by

Why do posters including this OP always try and sound so secretive and ‘vague’ on their posts?

Like they’ll try and give context and some simplified background so we can try our hardest to put ourselves in their ‘shoes’ even just while reading and replying on rhe thread but it’s equally so hard to when they are so so vague.

Like this Op .. she simply says she ‘lives abroad’ .. that could mean ANYTHING ! When my family worked for the embassy they lived in a complete different country every three years .. their experience of ‘loving abroad’ in India was completely different than the US! their experience of living in the Middle East was completely different from their experience than living in paris! All had their pros and cons! but some of the most beautiful picturesque places were hard for my SiL as she was a new mum and wasn’t allowed to just ‘get up and go out to the beach with her young dc! complete different life, reality, rules, language , dress codes etc.. but when they’ve lived say in the Med they faced different problems but COULD be more free ..

Do posters on mumsnet think by saying which country they now reside in that they’ll ’out’ themselves like they’re the secret service or POTUS ??

Even in marbella i have seen where antonio banderas lives and no one even cares or bothers him!

Also OP - you haven’t said if you can’t do things because you both (you and DH) work such long hours in the week? do you live near the beach and a pool? do you work? if you don’t work or work f/time is it DH that is providing this lifestyle abroad and could he be exhausted come the weekend? and if he doesn’t want to ever do anything and you’re seemingly not doing much either .. and your dc doesn’t even seem to like the beach /pool / outdoor living you’d expect or want to get with ‘living abroad’ then why are you even living abroad? Is DC enrolled in a local non speaking english school? does her friends and their parents come from the u.k. (assuming you come from the u.k.?) are you isolated?
is it a long drive to the beach and pool? if not .. if things are on your doorstep why can’t you just get up and take dc out? Can you speak the local language? you get the gist (hopefully) for such questions …

I also have a 6 year old DD & she has an autism diagnosis so trips out can be quite unpredictable! I think all the people saying don’t let your 6 year old dictate your schedule don’t know what it’s like to spend the day with a miserable 6 year old! My DD for example will sometimes freak out if someone approaches her (being friendly) or someone sneezes really loudly or any other manner of things. It is often not a relaxing fun day out. We do still go out but to be honest I don’t think this is the answer to your conundrum as you are craving something different. I must admit I have started doing more social stuff by myself as DP is similarly uninterested but I must say he is also very happy to stay with DD if I go out.

@CocoBellaSparkle Jesus

@Cityenergy How old were you when you had your second?

@Mirandasbiggestfan Can totally empathise 🤗

It does sound quite boring if your DH never wants to go out much and naps a lot - I'm old work hard and never nap and I do find people sitting around all day with no initiative quite boring so do understand.
Tell your DH you are not happy and you want to do more socially .

You aren't a shit Mom for wanting to do more than sit around every day

Do you work op? Is there an opportunity to take a further qualification or attend any training away?

Do you have any friends who'd be up for an afternoon without the kids?

Do you enjoy cinema? Book a middle of the day showing. Go out for coffee. Go to the beach at sunset and let DH do bedtime. DO something else nothing will change.

If they are both homebodies, go the beach at sunset by yourself or with a friend and let your DH put her to bed?

I can sort of relate, but you just need to start doing more of your own things, it possibly could get worse as she gets older, especially if your interests don’t really align.

Obviously don’t go out every weekend, all weekend but you can easily carve out time for yourself in your set up if neither of them want to.

Nip it in the bud before it’s much harder to. It’ll get easier the more you go out with her- and if you don’t go out regularly with her you’re effectively training her to only be equipped for a lifestyle you hate (homebody).

One of mine is a similar age to your DD and only wants to stay at home. I’m convinced it’s because age 1-3 he was home due to Covid so didn’t get used to being taken out and about/ meeting strangers etc . I’ve made so much effort to make sure at least once a week we’re going somewhere new (or that we don’t go to frequently). This used to make him so upset but now he’s a lot better (not perfect and he still says every weekend he wants to stay home but the idea of going out doesn’t make him distraught like it used to, plus the joy on his face when we’re out and he’s lost in play makes it So worth it).

OP - it’s just so hard to reply and give advice without mentioning some i key points and you then reply ‘Jesus’ which is bizarre in itself!

I could be wrong but your OP sounds as if you can see and hear the ocean and a pool from your own window and just ‘besause’ your OH doesn’t want to do anything and your LO doesn’t want to get salt water in her mouth then you must be stuck indoors like you’re chained up?!

I really don’t understand what’s stopping you from going out alone? or wirh DC ? even for a few hours? and no i don’t think you sound ‘boring’ at all .. to even live abroad even without dc can be a challenge in itself and you and your DH have managed to make it work so taking baby steps to just go out surely should be fairly ‘easy’ for you of all people?

Very hard to help posters like this.

If they want to simply bleat woe is me with no action at all, and then bark snarkily at anyone who dare asks for clarification or makes reasonable suggestions, posters like this should rightly get a journal or moan to their pets, neither of which will answer back or disagree.

I’m not reading all the replies but have read your posts OP.

Options:
DH have nap, DD have chill time she wants at home, and you go out and do what you want.

Make DD and DH go to the beach etc and they will probably end up loving it and feeling refreshed

You and DH both take 2 evenings a week to do something. If he doesn’t use his then that’s up to him, but would give you 2 evenings to do whatever you want - dinner with friends, something cultural, workout class etc

Invite DD’s street friends round with their parents, have a BBQ and make it a party

Also if all else fails, childhood goes really fucking fast and you’ll be free before you know it.

It seems as though you are discarding all responses on how to change this.
If it is you who wants the change it has to come from you, especially if your family are happy with the way things are and don't see a problem.
There has to be a compromise so that everyone gets some of what they want some of the time, but as a parent I agree with others that your child shouldn't get to say what you do at weekends.

OP not trying to be unkind but not sure why you posted as it comes across as you just wanting to complain, you're not engaging with any suggestions.

You seen to be in a mindset of 'we're a family so I can't do anything fun myself.' You can go to festivals, nights out etc, give him his own free time too. If he decides to spend it sleeping while you watch your daughter that's fine, lots of people like chilling and doing nothing but why is it you are expected to do that also?

My circle of friends have nights out, nights away, girls holidays etc and most have kids. The men look after their own children when this happens, they are the fathers after all. The men do similar things with their friends. If they don't want to, fine.

It is not 1950 and you are being a martyr. Sounds like you also have a DH problem if he can't manage to look after his own child.

It is up to you to change things.

Your child will get used to whatever is on offer, including lack of regular stimulation.

We must be aware of childhood obesity and lack of general fitness in children who are kept mostly indoors, it will affect healthy growth and future habits.

If you want to see your child still living this way when they become university age and beyond, then carry on.

I would suggest trying to begin introducing your child to the world, even if it’s very difficult for you and you don’t want to do it.
I assume you chose to have your child and you willingly took on that responsibility, now you must carry out that duty. It will be very good for you, too.

Blaming your husband or anyone else is passing the buck.
The only person’s actions you can readily change are your own, and of course your only 6 years old child.

This is doable and surmountable, it is not as if any of you is wheelchair bound?

My dc were always wanting to stay at home. I gave them no choice.
I'd ask them where they wanted to go on the weekend or tell them what we were doing. They were sometimes miserable about it but never have the ever returned from going out and said "that was rubbish. I wish I'd stayed in"
Once out, they'd enjoyed it.
My dh is similar to yours but when the dc were young, I made him commit to one day trip a month.
I also go out a lot with friends both with kids and without.

I'd definitely feel like you do if I didn't go out as much as I want.

No, she isn’t. MASSIVE 🙄

Some of the comments are insane. Can't OP find any aspect of parenthood boring? I know I do occasionally!

You are not being a shit mum by saying that occasionally you want to leave your house! Yes, you are a mum, but you are still a wife/gf, friend, daughter, sister or whatever you were before (writer, dancer, runner, reader, drunk 😉 etc) and wanting to dip a toe back into your pre-child life occasionally really isn't that bad.

But OP, do something about it if its bothering you.

What would an ideal week/weekend look like for you? If it is simply watching the sun set on the beach occasionally, go and do it! If it is getting away, could you arrange to go for a minibreak to a city with a friend every so often. If it is spending more time with friends, can you go to theirs/have them to yours? If it is going out with DH, can you arrange a babysitter occasionally?

My connection to pre-parenthood life is a bookclub which meets once a month. We have buckets of booze and talk like women rather than as mothers (occasionally we even talk about the book, but it is usually a space to vent about challenges of parents, in-laws, relationships, work, money, health, menopause, aging, kids, studying, weight, hobbies etc. We do obviously talk about the kids, but is hugely beneficial to my mental health to have an outlet that a) doesn't revolve entirely around the kids and b) let's me vent about the kids without them being in earshot.

Can you find something that gets you back to your old self, even if it is just one day a month?

Get them both to compromise, a day/afternoon out of the house having some family fun and another day chilling out/doing their own thing.

OP with a 6 year old you should still be having lots of fun memory making days with your little family . There does come a time when they just want to be at home or are out with mates and want you nowhere near other than for a lift or for money ! You shouldn’t be there yet .

Our family works by having the kids free to do what they want on Saturday but Sunday we try and do something out of the house as a family . Can you try and come to a similar deal with your DH and DD ?

You sound worn down . All mums are sometimes but you only get one shot of this so take control and make some memories .

Op life is what you make of it. Get things organised! Plan 1 weekend in four to have playdates and then the other weekends plan something! Don't let life pass you by!

I have a 6yr old and a 9yr old and we sometimes have weekends where we just chill but others where I take them out and go shopping, cinema, park, day trips, walks, beach etc, out to a cafe etc. sometimes the kids (girls) don't want to go out as they are happy at home but I just tell them we are going! and I get it all ready and once they are out they always have a great time and think we all feel better for it.

Also plan in some weekend days for you or your husband to get away for a day with friends and take in turns. You'll be so much happier.

YANBU - but this is the age when you should be getting her into weekly sports.
Talk to your husband and look around for swimming teams, gym classes or football Etc. You. (And DH) will gain a whole lot of new acquaintances from the activities and be able to socialise again. Then take up an activity yourself and do this weekly…

I think your DH is the problem: he sounds so boring. Your DD is an easier fix but I couldn’t live with a bloke who has no gumption to do anything.

Same. At least on weekends!

Well so do I. Both me and H have our own child free interests we do. But as I said in my post, I have many interests I simply don’t have time for. Again, as I said in my posts, I really envy my child free friends who don’t have the constraint of also making time to spend with my kids.

Saying one doesn’t have time for everything dies not mean you have time for nothing, which is the conclusion you jumped to.
Basically, there’s not enough life to fit in all of my life.