My boring family and I

[Ohwowhowutterlyexciting]

Did anyone get to a certain age or when your child was a certain age (if you have kids) of feeling trapped and bored?
I had Dd later in life due to infertility, so I’d lived a lot (not sure if that makes things easier or harder)
Having her was a shock to the system, but I embraced it all completely and hard as it was at times, I loved being a mum and everything that went along with it-soft play, playgrounds, play dates, crafts and so on.
Dd is 6 now and I’m starting to feel very trapped and quite depressed watching others social media (I’ve not really been like this before)
Dd doesn’t like to go out much recently and just wants her friends to come to play, which they do every weekend. Dh generally just wants to *Chill at home at weekends and falls asleep in the afternoon.
I just feel so trapped, sat in the house on a beautiful sunny day (live abroad) seeing everyone else out at the beach or pool and no one wants to do anything. The only way I can escape is to go to the shop or take the dog for a walk.
Is anyone else’s family like this or does anyone feel like this? I feel like I’ve been fine with lovely play dates with friends and embracing being a mum and now i’m missing my old life of no responsibilities and being drunk and going to festivals and travelling.
I realise I sound so selfish, but is this it now?
Im 45 so maybe it’s peri?
Feel like life is passing me by

If she has energy to run around with her friends she has energy to go out with you!

Could you not do the beach and she takes a friend? X

Sorry for random x at the end of that 🤦🏼‍♀️

You have a DH problem. There is no reason at all why he should be pissed off that you're leaving him at home with his child. It's not like she's a baby or toddler that needs constant supervision.

Relate to this. I think it is the transition from very dependent toddler to more independent child - they don't need me the whole time and the play is different, I am happy for them to have relaxed at home time after a busy week but I don't quite know what to do with myself because they also aren't quite independent enough for me to just get on with a hobby without every few minutes it being mummy I am hungry, I need the toilet etc. I do drag them out though for at least one thing (even if it is just a walk to the park) and they do enjoy it once there even though autistic DC finds the transition and leaving the house tricky

How was OP saying that? She’s saying her husband wouldn’t be happy if left to look after their child, and very possibly feels afraid of his reaction, and then you give the cruellest reply? Mumsnet is baffling.

OP I can relate! I love staying inside but sometimes I just get the urge to get out and do something! Probably a bit of panic about life going by too fast.

Does your husband never look after his daughter by himself? One six year old chilling at home, often with a friend to play with, sounds easy enough? Your husband doesn't get to dictate that you are never allowed to go out simply because he neither wants to go nor cares to look after his own child!

Are you frightened of his response if you were to announce you were off out for a couple of hours? If not, do it! If so, you have bigger problems in your relationship than how you spend your weekends, OP. I do hope you feel safe with him. If you don't, then maybe this individual issue has highlighted much larger underlying problems?

Then you tell her Next weekend on Saturday is Mummy's turn. We will do something that I want to do and the week after is your turn for friends again.
Don't give up everything you want to do for your child, this way madness lies, you deserve some enjoyment too.

Yeah I get what you're saying. I had that stage when kids were similar aged. I used to hate weeekends, just stuck at home remembering how much fun I used to have!. Mine are hitting teen years now, and i got rid of boring husband. I'm not saying I got rid of husband because he was boring, there was a lot more too it. Now kids are older I do more of my thing at weekend which has improved my mental health. But yeah, sitting home bored whilst husband naps isn't fun.

This is crazy to me because I LOVE lounging around the house, yet my DD wakes up, runs down the stairs to put her shoes on and shouts until we go out somewhere.

So I basically have the opposite problem. My DH also loves going out to new places

Can you take your DD out? Go out with friends instead?? Lots of options

I sympathise OP. Your DH wants to chill all weekend and fall asleep in the afternoons? Well guess what, he has a young child to spend time with! The three of you should be going to the beach, the aqua parks, a drive to the countryside. Anything but stay at home all weekend!

When you were a child, did you decide what you were doing, or did your parents? (I am guessing the latter) The only way to get your child to be more active and push her boundaries is to take her out of her comfort zone, soon she will be excited about seeing and experiencing things.

Speak to the other kids' parents, get all the kids doing something while you'd get some adult time together, even a day trip. You don't have to do it all the time but the occassional challenge/ being exposed to something new is good for both you and your chilld.

Builds resilience.

YANBU for feeling whatever you are feeling! you are entitled to feel what you feel. Its good to listen to those feelings to understand what they are telling you. I think its natural in more than one way, as you learn to be very busy when children are little and than it kind of leaves you empty handed. Also the age does its own thing to women... If your husband does his own thing which is sleeping at the weekend and leaving everything for you to do, no surprise you are feeling trapped. You need to work as a team to allow you to get out of the house and find life outside of the family. It might not be important for him but it is to you.

I think pick one evening a week or a few hours on a weekend for yourself
Join a hobby group (netball is my new fave!) or take yourself outdoor swimming or sitting watching the sunset or whatever you want to do
DH can do the same if he whinges about it allocate the same amount of time to him
That's a start...

Your mum friends (or ones who don’t have DC) might like to come out with you to cinema/drinks in the week (evening) or at weekend. I know some of my mum friends love this (I don’t have DC). Ask them to come out.

I'm 47 and my dh and dd1 have loads of fun together. We do everything as a family. Camping, parks, festivals, games etc.

Sounds like your husband is boring, not you. Just go have fun! Be spontaneous!

Imagine your friend has come to stay and you want to show her all the cool and fun stuff in your area. Now go do all those things. Book the tickets, enjoy the food, watch the sunset etc. You be that friend to yourself.

You have one precious life! Go have fun!

I see you OP. My DH doesn’t want to engage as a family - needs his own time, does DIY etc. increasingly it’s driven resentment and a wedge - it’s hard taking a DC out on your own all the time especially when they don’t want to go. It all just becomes tiresome and wearing. Sometimes I just give in to it and then have these horrid days at home facing all the house work and being miserable. So I completely understand what you’re trying to say. Also increasingly, I don’t want to do things with him. It’s hard, most other families do everything together and we’re definitely the outliers.

Agree. Without telling him you're going out for the day and he can stay at home with DD, you don't know what his reaction will be. It sounds very much like an excuse for not doing anything and a way to blame your husband for your boring life.
If you want a fulfilling life, you have to get it yourself. Nobody will hand it to you on a silver platter. If you wait for that, then you're gonna be waiting for a very long time. Carpe diem.

Tough shit, go to the pool or beach by yourself.

Or join some kind of outdoor bootcamp class. Mine did a kayaking trip in the summer and a few other things.

I felt like this when my DD got to this age. One Saturday I woke up early and just decided that Saturday mornings would be my time. DD and DH both like to stay home and she was old enough to self entertain while he slept or did his own thing. I started with going to the gym on Saturday mornings, or going shopping for fun things for me. I didn't tell them I was doing this, I just did it. There were no complaints.

I think you should talk to your DH about his lack of motivation, though. He shouldn't be tired all the time. Mine has sleep apnea and was always grumpy on Saturday mornings as he needed to catch up on sleep.

My DD also has autism and ADHD so just wanted her regular routine. That's harder to deal with. Is there a club or activity that yours might enjoy? We made her do something every Sunday afternoon. Because it was regular she was ok with it and enjoyed it once she got there. It was a sport where I could drop her off for 90 minutes and do my own thing.

I managed to do an MA part time as well as working full time. Using my brain and doing something for myself really helped the general ennui.

I don't think you're a terrible mum for feeling like this. But do find positive ways to resolve the situation before resentment and boredom lead to negative actions on your part.

I understand this. I had my kids late too, my second even later than you. I’m early 50s. I have loads of things that interest me and I’d like to do or learn or be involved with. I just don’t have time. ( also hampered by a need for hours more sleep than most people need).

I am very, very envious of child free people or those whose kids are older, independent or have left home, when I see how much more than can achieve and do and yes, live!

I guess that’s life. Open one door and others close.

No, it isn't life. DH and I both have many non child friendly interests and love to travel. So from the age of 7 months, we each took turns with childcare to give the other time off. Whole weekends away sometimes. We don't put family time above all else. My DC are now grown and don't want to spend much time with me. I am very glad I kept up my interests and hobbies. As is DH.

The OP has a husband problem.

You need to find a balance OP, of family time, chill time and you time. Your DH absolutely should be happy to supervise HIS DD on occasion without fussing to allow you to go and do things.

Look around where you live and what there is to do (I appreciate options may differ depending on the kind of country you live in, how many expats etc). I joined a choir when my DC were 5 and 3 and it has been wonderful. We rehearse weekly in the evening for a couple of hours and go to the pub for a drink after. My DH isn’t really a ‘joiner’ but he has a night in the week another night where we goes to the gym and chills in the spa after. So we take turns.

And as others have said, why not start slowly with weekend, an ‘activity’ day once a month say? You could even take turns deciding what you do as long as it’s out of the house?

If hubby wants to chill at home and DD wants play dates at home leave him in charge and do something for yourself over the weekend. Start a hobby, take yourself to the beach with a book and a picnic. I bet if they see you packing up to do something different they'll want to join in. And if they don't enjoy a bit of you time x

We have one DD. She is 17 now but when she was little, we would often take friends on days out. It made it more fun for her and actually easier for us as she was entertained. I suggest beach/picnic/whatever with DD plus friend.

On the days she goes to play at a friend's house, you get out and about.