To ask how to potty train a resistant 3 year old?

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

Yes I know there is a topic for this but there's next to no traffic and people who have already cracked this and moved on probably aren't looking at it.

My DS turned three a couple of months ago. We have tried potty training several times with no luck so far.

He is starting school in September and HAS to be trained by then. There is no other option. I have taken tomorrow and Tuesday off work so we are on day 2 of a four day window dedicated to cracking this and it's getting worse, not better. I don't have any other holiday other than the last two weeks of August which we have booked off to go on an actual holiday and will be completely ruined if we have to spend it hanging around the holiday accommodation doing potty training.

I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end.

He gets increasingly angry and fed up and wants to go outside and play. Eventually I give in and we go outside and it's only a matter of time before he pees or poos in his pants.

Please help.

3 year olds are stubborn as. Sympathies. My DD was the same and I got to her brother before 2 because yikes. Is it school nursery if he’s just turned 3? They may prefer potty trained but I don’t think they’re allowed to not let him come because he isn’t. Still I’d crack on and give it your best shot.

Witholding for hours, do you mean wee? He’s older, sounds like he has excellent bladder control, DD was the same, which is hard initially but once you persuade him to try he should get there really quickly.

Pump him full of fluids. Anything he’ll drink that he’s not normally allowed- juice, squash, even ice lollies. Take him every 30 minutes to the toilet (he’s too big for a little potty) and have him sit for 5. Fidget toys or books, TV or iPad if you have to. Eventually you’ll catch something and when you do give a small sweet like a smartie.

Make accidents annoying so he has to get himself changed, put wet clothes in the laundry, mop up a puddle, get clean clothes himself. If there’s TV on never pause it so he misses it. The idea being that he’ll twig it’s quicker and easier to use the loo. At this age language is important so don’t say anything like ‘it’s ok’ if he has an accident. Obviously you don’t shame him but ‘oh dear, wee goes in the toilet’ should be the response.

Promise a trip to the playground as soon as he does a wee on the toilet, then wait for as long as it takes. When he does go then you rush out, take a change and try to be home within the hour to avoid an accident but it’s outdoors so not a disaster if there is one.

Any friends his age who can show him how it’s done and provide a bit of peer pressure?

"I'm at my wits' end.

He doesn't want to sit on the potty.

He withholds for hours on end."

It sounds like he's just not ready, and it's not working for either of you. I've had this conversation in several other parents groups recently, and I think it's probably not realistic to toilet train before the child is ready. It's unfortunate that there's a school requirement. Where I live, schools will not accept children under 4. Your son will probably be one of the younger ones in the group?
We struggled to introduce DS, then ~2.5, to potty before arrival of new baby. He used the potty for a few days, then absolutely refused to use it again.
Several months later, he announced that he was going to use the toilet, and has been pretty good about it since. We didn't need days off etc to do it, but staff at our nursery have been supportive.

Kids can develop really quickly at this age, and he still could be pretty good at using the toilet by September.

My son wasn't ready until he was 3 and a half. I didn't keep pressuring him into it, as that can often hinder them more. One day he sat on his potty and had a wee. Within two weeks he was using the toilet. There wasn't any need to stay in for a week and let him run around with no pants on while I chased him with a potty.
My advice is to leave off for a few weeks, keep the potty around, and see what happens. Maybe some YouTube videos about using the potty/toilet would help.

I don't have a few weeks. Every time we have tried and failed we've said we'll leave it and try again later and now we are out of time. It has to be now.

We aren't in the UK. School is compulsory from the September of the year they turn 3 and he has to be potty trained by then. He won't even be one of the younger ones.

I would take the nappy off and put on pants and be prepared to do a lot of changes. His childminder or childcare setting will have to help. Most children don't learn in a week.

You need to recognise you can’t force a child to develop quicker. And regardless of where you are children are not magically different no matter what they are telling you.

On a practical level nobody learns anything in a pressurised environment so if you feel stressed so will he. Take the pressure off and identify a path if he isn’t trained there has to be one, shout your rough jurisdiction and someone will know the loopholes.

Bribery! What is their weakness? Chocolate buttons? Coins (yes I bribed dd with quarters (USA), toy cars ? Use of iPad?

It takes 2-4 weeks of very consistent work too I'm afraid

How long have you got to spend training? Mine both flat out refused the potty for days on end before deciding it might actually be quicker and easier than stopping for a shower/change of clothes. It's harder if you've only got sat a weekend.

We can spin it out until the 23rd with only one day when he really has to go to nursery but that's all the time we have. I don't know what I will do if we don't see any progress in that time.

The nursery have said that most kids who aren't already potty trained just magically get it in the last two weeks before they start school. Conveniently for them, this coincides with the time he will no longer be their problem. Inconveniently for us, this coincides with our first proper holiday since our honeymoon 6 years ago.

The school have said that they can't legally refuse to take him but it will be a very rocky start for him if he can't use the toilet.

I guess I am hoping for some replies from people who didn't have the luxury of being able to wait until their child decided they were ready and found a way of making it happen.

It isn’t an issue in 90% of jurisdictions as research has shown children are releasing the necessary hormone later.

I very much doubt children there are physically different. Unfortunately it sounds like you will just have to juggle time off between ye to provide consistent training.

The only time off we have is now.

Do you have any tips for the actual training?

You don’t say if this is just wee, but if it’s also #2’s then have a look at the NHS resource Poo Goes To Pooland.

If he’s not toilet trained by the time he starts school what happens? Do the school stop him from attending? Do they expect you to come and clean him up after every accident? He won’t be the only one he hasn’t mastered it so it’s impossible that schools have never encountered this before.

Nursery can help though, presumably? So you do a few days with your annual leave, then they take over, then you're back at it at the weekend.

Mine was extremely resistant. I would take the potty outside if you want to be in the garden (unless you have a downstairs loo?). Then we had a Thomas reward chart with stickers and used chocolate buttons as bribery. It took a full week for him to use the potty by himself, and probably another month to be having less then two accidents per day. I'd say he was reliably trained by 3.5.

I wouldn't wait any longer unless there are additional needs, he's old enough now to get it, you just have to power through. We did also have a carry potty for longer outings in that first year.

Also, have a look at the ERIC website. It’s a UK bladder and bowel charity for children and it has some potty training advice, plus you can contact them for advice.

I had one of these !

I kept trying and people kept saying ' not ready '.

In the end I just kept going. I used the ' oh crap ' method. Bare bottom to start with. I would watch her like a hawk. She also withheld her pee for hours and hours and hours. She'd be in pain, knowing that if she peed it went all over her, which she hated. But she still refused.

Yes, I grabbed her as soon as she'd eventually wet herself and I would hold her on the potty, even if she was upset. I explained ' see if you do it here, you don't get wet '.

I just persisted. I never shouted or was mean about it, but I did force her to sit on the potty until her brain finally made that connection - if I pee here, I don't get wet. I tried this separate times and always went back to nappies.

Until I had enough of it and just stuck with it. She was just under 3 when she finally got it. I knew I could have waited and waited and waited. She was never going to be magically ready if I hadn't persevered. She hated wetting herself and she just needed my support to understand that if she does it in the potty, she's not wetting herself.

Don't give up. Your child is old enough to get it. Something else has crept in. Some kind of fear or something, some sort of resistance.

I potty trained my second child before his 2nd birthday. It's completely possible.

Don't give up and don't listen to this ' not being ready ' stuff.

It sounds like he is physically ready if he can hold for so long and it sounds like he is being a bit stubborn about it, which says he is probably not emotionally ready. You can help him to be emotionally ready though.

Consistent boundaries, no “giving in” and don’t play up to the refusal- walk off and say when you’ve done a wee you can go and play. You’re not bothered, no fuss, no negotiation.

if he wees or poos he has to change himself and put wet clothes into basket, again no fuss no drama or negotiation. You want it to be annoying to have to do all that, eventually he will realise it’s easier to have a quick wee and go back to play.

rephrase questioning/ statements: “it’s time for a wee now” instead of do you need a wee. “Oh dear wee goes in the toilet not the floor” instead of it doesn’t matter.

Bribery usually works really well for stubbornness! A choc button or a sweet or a sticker, 10 stickers and he gets to choose something?

he won't start school/reception until he is 4. He is 3, clearly not ready. Nothing you can do. Nursery (I presume you mean pre-school) will have to deal with it. They cannot refuse him because is isn't potty trained!

We don't have a garden.

We have a sticker book, I might pop out and get some chocolate during his nap.

I agree we need to push through. If anything he seems to be less ready every time we try and I wish I'd forced it earlier to be honest. I think this idea of waiting until they are ready is a very modern one. When children were wearing terry nappies they were ready to potty train when their mothers decided they were ready.

ok, my approach was to just put underpants on and top have potty in a couple of rooms. Crèche supported there and had usually two or three training together. Lots of talk about big boy pants, no negative reaction to accidents. simple oh oh let’s get you cleaned up.

lots of praise for sitting on potty if they don’t like potty try toilet with seat etc most children’s toilets are made to measure in settings.

are they able to communicate when they want to wee because I don’t know how you start without that key initial stage?

We are not in the UK. He was 3 in April and he starts compulsory school in less than 3 months' time. I have no control over the timing of this.

Get one of those toilet seats with handles. Then just sit there with him holding a bribe until he produces something. Then lots of praise!

You should use the oh crap method, that really worked for us.