COMING HOME

[eastandwest24]

More searching for advice than AIBU - but if I need to frame it this way...AIBU to be s**ting myself about the welcome my children will have from the community we left a year ago to move abroad?

We came from a super tight knit community in England and have been living abroad for a year. my kids - who are both primary age with close friends in the UK - and I are coming back for the summer to the fiends and area we left - they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture, AIBU to be terrified of the reception that awaits us in the UK? Will the tween girls be total cows because my DD has been living away somewhere else (which on paper is more glamorous than home, but in reality she just really misses her friends and feels stuck between two camps). we're only back visiting for the summer, but if anyone has any advice on how to manage expectations or navigate the heady mix of resentment, jealousy, loneliness and hormones, I'd happily take it! how do I make this an enjoyable visit, not one filled with tears and worry - TIA!

Why do you think people will be jealous? As someone who has lived overseas for 25 years, I find that friends and family get on with their lives as usual. They go out of their way from their busy schedules to arrange time.

You sound a bit superior. Maybe your attitude is the issue?

I lived overseas as a child. I did feel like a fish out of water in some ways on home visits but I can’t really relate to most of what you’ve said.

Try not to build something into a bigger deal than it is.

Its an extreme viewpoint to start from, what makes you think their friends would be so awful?

I would start by not calling the people you will be seeing 'fiends' - that might not go down too well.. 😉

You seem to have an odd attitude towards them. Of course they have carried on BAU (business as usual for anyone that doesn't know - I googled it so you don't have to). You seem to think that you and your children have somehow become 'better than' because you moved. All this 'while my kids have blah blah blah' stuff. You need to be careful that doesn't come across when you meet them.

I think you are worried about jealousy because you think you are better because you don't live there any more. As long as your girls haven't inherited that attitude from you, they'll most probably be fine.

Can't see why anyone should be bothered as long as you don't come back slagging off this country and acting superior. That will get their backs up. Just be nice and normal and stop over thinking it. No-one cares, they have their own lives to lead

Are you mainly worried about your DD and her friendships? Could she video call a few friends ahead of your arrival?

Bring some small souvenir type gifts for them?

Arrange to meet somewhere neutral like the park for a picnic or milkshake place?

And if the reception is frosty, fill the days with activities so there’s not much time to mope. Presumably there will be family members to hang out with and who will be delighted to reconnect?

Nothing about you living abroad or anything (you could have moved to the next couple villages along, it's the absence not the distance), but your kids will have been out of the loop for a year, when friendships may have changed, intimacies grown between others, different interests developed. They (and you) can't expect to drop right back in to the way things were. Plus there will be initial awkwardness as the day to day connectedness has gone.
There will be curiosity on both sides, and hopefully this will mean they will be welcomed. But there maybe some lingering 'you left us'. And don't think they care where your kids have been, just that they haven't been there.

Definitely this, you seem to think their 'BAU' has involved them mooning over you leaving and sitting being jealous of your lifestyle!

I think you might be surprised how massively uninterested anyone is about where your family have been for the last year, to be honest, OP. That's certainly been my experience having moved away and back home half a dozen times in my life.
I would prepare your daughter for this, more than any of possibility, but hopefully all will be well and she'll fit back in quickly.

Sorry, I thought this was about football.

You may find your kids are upset after visiting. Being "home" certainly amplifies the upset of having left all you know and love.

Have the friends all stayed in touch with your Dd as that will make a difference.

The friends will probably say "oh you're back" and that will be it.
You're overthinking this massively.

'Terrified' and 's**ting myself' - really?

Did you used to live amongst particularly awful people? Why are you giving even a minute's thought to this? Were your children boasting about moving away or something?

There has to be more to this than you're telling us.

and I are coming back for the summer to the fiends and area we left - they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture, AIBU to be terrified of the reception that awaits us in the UK

Lord! Terrified? Are you normally so dramatic?

By the way, it's perfectly possible to learn resilience whilst living BAU 🙄

I'm sure that as long as your children don't project your 'better than' attitude, all will be well

We lived abroad for years.

People really aren’t that fussed about your lives and what you’ve experienced.

It’s not as special or unique as you seem to think it is.

"terrified" - really?

You do sound a bit full of yourself. One of my dcs goes to a school where many of the children either lived or still have family abroad, and regularly travel (2 recently returned from a stint in Hong Kong). The children are lovely and chilled about it, everyone enjoys hearing about their experiences but no one thinks it makes them superior to those who don't or haven't lived abroad in any way.

A bit of humility might not go amiss OP.

Were you in a cult before you left?
The whole 'super tight knit community' sounds quite dreadful, particularly as you think there will be some form of resentment or hatred towards you all.
In reality, you'll probably be of interest to everyone for a couple of weeks, then they will be wanting to carry on with their lives and wonder when you are going back

Weird thread.

Yes, their lives have continued in your absence.

Why make a big deal of it? Just go back, visit them, hopefully pick up where you left off, be careful not to act superior because you're now cosmopolitan jet setters with a more interesting life because that would unsurprisingly get people's backs up.

Why on earth would people be so stunned at the idea of moving away they'd be awful on your visit? I suspect they'll show some polite interest but hope you don't monopolise the conversation and feel superior. I'd recommend maybe not starting with the superior resilience and culture of your children compared to theirs.

If you’re so terrified why are you coming back? And terrified, really?! The only way you’re going to get a negative reception is if you behave in a superior way. Which you currently are by assuming that your own friends and family are going to be jealous and resentful of you. Why would they be? Why wouldn’t they just be pleased to see you? And vice versa.

This was me as a teen. Absolutely no one cares and it's not a flex 😂

Will the tween girls be total cows because my DD has been living away somewhere else (which on paper is more glamorous than home, but in reality she just really misses her friends and feels stuck between two camps).

Why on earth would they be "cows"? Please don't pass this kind of misogynistic assumption on to your daughter(s), or in fact any children. While each person is an individual and circumstances vary, pre-teen friendships among girls are typically very, very loyal and strong.

FWIW, I moved somewhere I suppose is arguably glam (from Glasgow to NYC) at 12 and my friends were more curious than anything else - but also, there were many of them still in Glasgow and caught up in happenings there vs one of me abroad, so most of our face-to-face conversations when I was "home" were about what was going on back home, relatively little about my "new life" after the first set of "what's it like?" questions.

My advice is to try to get/keep your daughter in the swing of things with her friends from your old home. If your time there in the summer overlaps with school time, expect that the other girls will be focused on that and manage your daughter(s)' expectations for her old friends to be busy during that time. Encourage your daughter(s) to ask their old friends what they're doing over the summer, but you and the children's other parent (if in the picture) should also get in touch with the parents of your daughter(s)'s friends and see what they're doing over the summer - if they'll be involved in summer camp, a sports league, or other organised activities, make sure you're being proactive in getting your children registered for those too if possible.

Why have you framed it that those you left behind will have negative emotions towards your DC - jealousy, resentment etc? It may come as a shock but people are living their own lives and they really don’t give a sh!t about other people - out of sight, out of mind - and their lives move on just as yours has. I have been away from my home city for over 22 years and people ‘back home’ really don’t care about where I live now, they just like to see me.

Visit with a positive mindset, be aware that everyone changes including friendships, dynamics within them change and ensure that your DC are aware of this. They may or may not be able to pick up friendships from where they left, and it also depends on whether they have kept in regular contact with friends (and that they reciprocated). Above all, knock that superior attitude that is coming across on the head now - you are not better than anyone else because you moved away.

Honestly? It sounds like you are hoping people will be jealous but worried your children won't cope with the jealousy of others. The way you describe other teenage girls is awful.

Are you bringing your children up to believe they must be more resilient and that people will be jealous they have lived away for a year?

My dd is 20. Quite a few of her friend have lived abroad. Dubai, Hong Kong etc . None of the group are jealous or rude about it.

They probably won't slot straight back on. They have been away for a year. Life went on, relationships between kids will have changed. Your children would have changed to. The fact that they may not slot right in, doesn't mean anyone is behaving badly though. These children aren't in static state just waiting for your children to come back, they aren't making sure things don't change so your children feel comfortable. They are living their own lives.

And your anxiety over it is very full on. I suspect of there's any problems you will immediately label as other children being bitchy or rude.

You make sure your kids have telaistic expectations. People change, especially kids. The relationships they left may not be the same.