COMING HOME

[eastandwest24]

More searching for advice than AIBU - but if I need to frame it this way...AIBU to be s**ting myself about the welcome my children will have from the community we left a year ago to move abroad?

We came from a super tight knit community in England and have been living abroad for a year. my kids - who are both primary age with close friends in the UK - and I are coming back for the summer to the fiends and area we left - they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture, AIBU to be terrified of the reception that awaits us in the UK? Will the tween girls be total cows because my DD has been living away somewhere else (which on paper is more glamorous than home, but in reality she just really misses her friends and feels stuck between two camps). we're only back visiting for the summer, but if anyone has any advice on how to manage expectations or navigate the heady mix of resentment, jealousy, loneliness and hormones, I'd happily take it! how do I make this an enjoyable visit, not one filled with tears and worry - TIA!

Honestly I rather pity anyone who either has to, or chooses to live in the ME. Definitely not jealous.

The tone on your op reminds me of my bil who for years contacted us because either he wanted something or to tell us he was going on holiday "in case we needed to contact them"

Dh's lack of reaction obviously eventually got to him because he directly asked "don't you wish you were going on holidays like us" dh equally directly replies "We're happy with what we do, we like different holidays to you."
He never told us that he was going on holiday again once he knew dh wasn't envious.

That's horrible, I'm sorry! What did they say?

Wow 🤣

shes been removed from a few WhatsApp groups - which could be taken either way (no longer there so no point OR to exclude) and a couple of in jokes at her expense “sorry DD, you wouldn’t understand…” kinda vibes. When she chats to them 1-1 they’re lovely.

I’ve never been to Dubai but from what I’ve heard it sounds like a dubious place, especially for women. I wonder if the friends’ parents’ feel the same, and have passed on some negativity, which is coming out in the text messages.
Having said that, is it actually Dubai you’ve gone to OP, because I didn’t see it mentioned in your posts?

My son's friend is moving back to the UK soon from the states, they're both 11. I can assure you that we, and others, are only looking forward to see them.

I think your attitude is the problem rather than anyone you left behind. You're doing your kids no favours.

Ha! Sounds like you need an have an honest convo with him about what’s really going on. Family therapy? . I moved for my DHs work to a place “on paper” is more glamorous than the town we left - but we will still wish we were there. And can’t afford holidays!

@eastandwest24 they’ll be fine. I’ve been in the GCC 20 years, and honestly - no one cares (in the nicest possibly way) when you go home. And if you repatriate and visit back to Dubai, neither will people here treat you differently. Don’t worry. Kids just slot back in. Don’t overthink it. 🙂

(You should also brace for your thread to go south now, as posters who know little to nothing about the Middle East line up to tell you how they would NEVER visit the UAE/GCC overall, and clutch their pearls.)

😂 marry me?

Terror =/= Anxiety.

Anxiety =/= feeling a bit apprehensive.

I’m afraid to say that I think it’s human nature to feel negativity towards people who have left you.

I don’t know if your daughter was happy about emigrating, but I expect you will have naturally “bigged it up” in the months leading to the move, to try and reassure her it would be OK. She probably repeated some of the things you said, like we’ll have a pool, more money etc.

So in her friends’ eyes she jetted off to a new place, leaving them behind, ready to jump in her lovely pool. They may see it as her choice, and having made that choice, she can’t have it both ways. A bit like a boyfriend dumping you but still wanting to come and have sex with you now and then! Hence the removing from WhatsApps and so on.

But deep down they still like her, so one-to-one is OK. I'm sure it’ll all be fine, but make sure you drop the attitude OP, because you really do come across as if you think your family is superior for having made this move away from “BAU”.

No, it's the OPs' attitude that's crappy. I've previously worked in the ME. Dubai in summer is hell, and living there is pretty dull. However, I would move to Oman in a heartbeat.

OP isn’t moving back, she’s just visiting, very different situation.

I think she worded it badly, but I understand her wanting it to go smoothly for her kids.

Oman is indeed gorgeous, even in the summer. (Especially Salalah.)

Doesn't sound like anything to worry about then. Saying "you wouldn't understand" if it's chat about something current at school or something makes sense. If they're fine 1-2-1 then there's really nothing to worry about.

Just don't let either of your attitudes rub off on your daughter; that your life is better and more exciting or that she should be terrified and stressed out and it will he fine

Couldn't agree more.

I'd have a couple of funny stories ready - you'll have plenty - and then carry on as normal.

Yes MumblesParty so ok, when they were visiting for a few weeks last summer, people were looking forward to seeing them. My point, poorly put, is that she may have a pleasant surprise,

It will be full of ups and downs, and I would take care to ensure she sees friends that are happy for her, and aren’t mean. I would be prepared for everyone to really miss being back and to feel at home. It’s hard coming back op in my experience. I would embrace however she feels and be ready to talk through her feelings whatever comes up.

Thank you - this is super useful. Sounds like you’ve done this - anything youd specifically recommend / say or prepare for to make the visit it as smooth as possible for the kids?

Ideally I’m hoping they’ll love going ‘home’ and be equally as excited to leave - but I’m a grown adult and find it all a bit of a head f@&k! Trying to manage their expectations by letting them know life just carries on whether we’re there or not and people will be pleased to see them, but will also just be busy doing their own thing (BAU as I hamfistidly put it earlier) as opposed to stopping everything cos they’re back. While also trying to make them feel like home is still special and they’re valued (we’re moving back at some point so challenge is keeping feet in both camps) any advice appreciated!

So the OP wants everyone to fawn over them when coming back from Dubai, and she thinks her kids are better

Guess what no one gives a shit about Dubai, it's a mysoginic shit hole in the desert who hates women.

I'm at a loss she thinks her kids are more rounded from being in Dubai school

Wind you neck in OP you might think you are better than them in the desert but you aren't in the real world.

Why are you overthinking it so much? Set up some playdates, let them catch up. It doesn't have to be anywhere near as complicated as you're making out

I’m inclined to agree with this.

The OP is still going on about ‘glamorous’ as though she truly thinks children will be thinking this way.

So you are moving back at some point, this is key. If you were emigrating forever I would guard against very long visits.

Does everyone know you are coming back one day? I found people were very keen to invest in us as they knew we would be back at some point.

I would talk often about your current home in ME being a wonderful adventure but your home country will always be your base. I would take dc to historical sites, childhood home, extended family and explain why you are working in Dubai. Ideally dc should be able to embrace the best of both - knowing her roots are at home.

With family a party is always fun. A big bbq and maybe a theme Middle Eastern so you bring value and fun back to the U.K. understand that families will want to protect their children from the loss of special friends so reassure them that you will be back.