COMING HOME

[eastandwest24]

More searching for advice than AIBU - but if I need to frame it this way...AIBU to be s**ting myself about the welcome my children will have from the community we left a year ago to move abroad?

We came from a super tight knit community in England and have been living abroad for a year. my kids - who are both primary age with close friends in the UK - and I are coming back for the summer to the fiends and area we left - they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture, AIBU to be terrified of the reception that awaits us in the UK? Will the tween girls be total cows because my DD has been living away somewhere else (which on paper is more glamorous than home, but in reality she just really misses her friends and feels stuck between two camps). we're only back visiting for the summer, but if anyone has any advice on how to manage expectations or navigate the heady mix of resentment, jealousy, loneliness and hormones, I'd happily take it! how do I make this an enjoyable visit, not one filled with tears and worry - TIA!

Some of these people probably won't even notice you've been gone, and it is unlikely that any of them will have given much thought to you in your absence. Out of sight tends to mean out of mind.

All sounds like you have too much time on your hands

Drop the attitude that your kids are now superior beings because of their experience and don’t act as if everyone ought to be jealous of you.

Frankly, if that's the attitude you're coming back with, I don't rate your chances tbh. You've already decided your time abroad had made your children 'better' than their peers and everyone will be jealous. Referring to DC as 'cows' is particularly unpleasant. If your children have absorbed this attitude from you and they don't conceal it, then there's every chance your fears will be realised. You need to approach this with a less arrogance and a little humility, and teach your DC to do the same. Because so much 'jealousy' people imagine directed at them is often just understandable reactions to annoying superiority from people who believe everyone is jealous of them.

This is such a bizarre post. You seem to think that your daughter's friends will be envious of how resilient she's become and how glamorous her life is.

The other side of the coin is that they might feel really sorry for your daughter, that she was taken away from the happy life they all live in their tight knit community and feel that she's really been missing out. Heck, for all you know your daughter feels that way and just hasn't told you.

Just take it as it comes and see what happens. People generally don't care what you're doing while you're gone. They don't want your chats to be 90% what you've been up to and a little about themselves. They'll want to hear some of the details and then move on.

It sounds bizarre that you chose to move abroad when it’s just left your DD “missing her friends and stuck between 2 camps”. That may come back to bite you possibly.

Anyway, if your DD has the same arrogance and swagger that you have, her friends will almost certainly not want to spend time with her. If she behaves normally she should be fine. But in my experience kids aren’t stupid. If they know someone isn’t going to be around for long, they don’t invest too much in the friendship. I remember being dropped like a hot potato by my best friend at age 9, a few weeks before we moved away from the area. I don’t blame her. She needed to get a new best friend!

Sorry, but most of these people could give a monkeys about the new life you’ve lived - if they’re the friends you think they are, they’ll be interested and just pleased to see you all.

Just because you think you have a better lifestyle (and maybe compared to the one you left and what you want out of life, for YOU it is) but your comment is riddled with the sense that you think your life is better. If you radiate that attitude the only negativity you will see/feel will be because you’ve become unbearably superior.

Disappointed this wasn't about football which is definitely coming home this year 😉

you are making this into something much bigger than it needs to be. What are you expecting from these group of kids in terms of involvement? I would expect that most of them have their own plans already in place and it would be down for you guys to slot in around those plans or are you expecting a great big “hurrah you are home”? With the lack of detail in your post it and your non return to the thread is hard to tell.

but if anyone has any advice on how to manage expectations

Yes I'll give you some advice.

Learn to get over yourself before you arrive.

You're just popping over for a few weeks during the Summer, but it sounds like you're expecting a fanfare and a village fete in your honour?

In order to manage your expectations, you'll have to lower them massively.

Contact people in advance to set stuff up, be aware that their lives have moved on in your absence, be aware that it is summer and many people will be away anyway, and stop thinking people are jealous - they are not. They will be mildly interested to see you, but it will be a bit like going back to visit an old workplace.

I would find out what your daughters' old friends are doing in terms of clubs and camps and if you can get her booked in with them that is the best way to reintegrate.

You are way overthinking this.

If the kids pick up on your anxiety you run the risk of creating problems that wouldn't otherwise be there.

they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture,

While they're getting on with BAU they will also have had experiences that would have taught them resilience.

It really sounds like you've got a massive chip on your shoulder and hopefully that hasn't come across to them in the last year.

I hope your attitude hasn’t rubbed off on your girls.

Coming home for the summer after being away (anywhere) for a year is going to be difficult for your girls. Friendship will have moved on and become more mature (with all the pros and cons of maturing) in their absence. Your girls may find it difficult to slot back into bonded friendships, the friendships may already have ideas and plans that don’t account for being temporary entertainment for friends they used to know. They might both have developed in different directions (none better than the other as you are implying) and just not gel anymore.

You will need to play it by ear, leave your dc try to reconnect with their old friends, or try to make new ones and if it doesn’t work out they will just need to make do with your company this summer. But, do them and yourself a favour and stop making up baseless stories about others being jealous.

So long as you are friendly and don't expect the red carpet to be rolled out then you'll be absolutely fine. Unless you've developed a local accent, in which case they will just laugh at you.

Judging by the phrases you used in your OP though I have a feeling people will treat you how you treat them.

I think returning to fiends would be scary. Returning to friends would not be.

Honestly, nobody will be at all bothered. They haven't spent the whole year thinking about you. They've got on with their own lives. They'll probably show mild interest at a conversational level first off, then that will be it.

I would be more worried if you were returning to stay than just for a visit.
I would warn your DC that people might not be as interested in what they have been doing, and things will have changed just as they have changed and have new friends. And suggest being polite and if they have to whinge to try and do that in family rather than with others (including Grandparents etc).
May be try to arrange some time away where you can all relax.
People might be welcoming. But if any of you encounter bitchiness then maybe this reflects how small minded and unpleasant they really are?

Honestly, I think you are overthinking this. People get on with their lives. They haven’t spent the year dwelling on you.

People will be glad to see you, I’m sure. However, if they aren’t available, please don’t take it personally. A good friend and I have lost contact after she came back and said that everyone was meeting up at XYZ on a date when most children are on holiday - except we weren’t available because my children didn’t have their holidays then (and I wasn’t going to take them out of school).

Lol, nobody gives a shit where you've been 🤣. "Heady mix of jealousy and blah" give over, nobody would be jealous and if your kids are that resilient then why do they need this thread to help them "navigate" anything? Kinell, I've seen some self absorbed posts in my time but this is up there

Massively overthinking this OP. They'll just be pleased to see their friends who they've not seen in a year. They're not going to be jealous of the "amazing trip" they've been on or "how much resilience" they've gained. They won't have even thought of it.

Seriously weird post. No one will care and stop overthinking. Make sure your attitude doesn't rub off on your kids.

Why do you think so-called friends would be so negative? Thus says far more about your thoughts than theirs. They probably haven't really thought about you at all.

I think most people will just feel sorry for your children, in all honesty. From what you've said, your DD misses her friends a lot. Hopefully, your children have been able to keep in touch with their friends over the phone/on Skype. Try to set play dates up ahead of time, but bear in mind lots of people will have plans over the hols. If they aren't free, it's nothing to do with jealousy - there's nothing to be jealous about. They're just busy.

Please don't encourage your children to think their lives are superior just because they've moved to Dubai (or wherever - but that's my guess). They're just living somewhere else.

I've only got one question. What does BAU mean? Thank you. So curious.

@pictoosh I think it's business as usual