COMING HOME

[eastandwest24]

More searching for advice than AIBU - but if I need to frame it this way...AIBU to be s**ting myself about the welcome my children will have from the community we left a year ago to move abroad?

We came from a super tight knit community in England and have been living abroad for a year. my kids - who are both primary age with close friends in the UK - and I are coming back for the summer to the fiends and area we left - they have all carried on BAU - while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture, AIBU to be terrified of the reception that awaits us in the UK? Will the tween girls be total cows because my DD has been living away somewhere else (which on paper is more glamorous than home, but in reality she just really misses her friends and feels stuck between two camps). we're only back visiting for the summer, but if anyone has any advice on how to manage expectations or navigate the heady mix of resentment, jealousy, loneliness and hormones, I'd happily take it! how do I make this an enjoyable visit, not one filled with tears and worry - TIA!

They probably won't even remember you @eastandwest24 .
Are you memorable? Probably not as much as you like to think and kids move on very fast.

Oh sorry I didn't read that you've only been away a year. Hm maybe there will be an opinion that your new life didn't quite take off and that you've all come back with your tails between your legs rather than jealousy. But really I don't think there will be any opinion either way or any kind of 'welcome'. Your DC's will fall back quite easily into their friendships and make new ones like kids do.

This is exactly how my husband talks about coming back from being away for 5 years.

he says it was like literally picking up a conversation after a weekend.

They aren't going to think that it didn't work out, and they are back with their tail between their legs - it's a summer holiday, they aren't moving back permanently.

Do you think? I moved much longer ago than that, and my friends and former colleagues etc haven't forgotten me.

Are people's memories that short that they don't remember people they haven't seen for a year?

Me too at first!

Fair enough @NeverEnoughPants but in that case, even more odd of the OP to think there would be anything to dread.

We used to visit 'home' for summer holidays and sometimes at xmas time. It was for catch ups with relatives and friends. There would never be any animosity- why would there be?

If there's a problem it will be due to the attitude you're going in with op.

You're acting like you moving has propelled your kids forward in life, and everyone here has just been sitting feeling resentful, rather than getting on with their lives and learning things and having experiences too.

There won't be an issue, unless you cause one.

I think you’re over thinking it. Unless your kids have become brats, it won’t even factor in their radar. They may have a brief conversation about what’s life like in other country, then probably will ask what’s for tea.

You sound like you feel you have a better life than the commoners back home and are superior to them.

Bloody Hell Love, unless you’ve had a pre-death visit to heaven or a quick soujourn in Rivendell or Xanaduyou need to calm down.
Most people are far too wrapped up in their own lives to wonder about where you’ve been, honestly!

DD’s best friend since reception moved abroad in year 5 in 2019, the plan was to come back 2-3 times a year but it was 2 years before they were allowed and it has been absolutely fine - they are coming back for another visit in 2 weeks and we have arranged a meet up having seen each other previously on Easter. DDs friend still misses here and then is a moment or two on our part about where they live but generally that isn’t a problem at all.

Hobestly? They won’t have given you a second thought. And they won’t be as super-impressed at your new glamorous lifestyle as you seem to think they will be. In conclusion, calm the fuck down.

This, I can't believe the chip on your shoulder lol. People's lives have moved on fine.

That said your DD does need to be aware of dynamics changing they will have adapted and moved on a little, she also will probably find as time goes on she only sticks with the important ones - DD and her friend did have a couple of others but both have disappaeared (one was never really my DDs friend the other lives far away so lost contact)

Your attitude is a bit strange. You're obviously pleased your kids made a new start, but other kids will have grown up an extra year and had things in their lives that build resilience too. It's an age thing, not just because you moved.

Then there are your projections:
"total cows"
"navigate the heady mix of resentment, jealousy, loneliness and hormones"
"filled with tears and worry"
Do you see how rude you are being about some kids you haven't even met for a year? If they liked your DD, then they wil be pleased to see her, if they didn't then they won't. Your DD needs to be open and honest with old friends if she wants to rebuild relationships. It's really that simple.

For a start don't start with the crap that they are more resilient and glamorous than where they left as that just makes it sound like you think you are better, the reality is your kids aren't no more glamorous or resilient than other kids.

People either won't care that they have been somewhere else or will want to hear about it, but you can't expect everyone's life's to stand still either and people will have moved on.

Don't push your anxiety onto your children.

while my kids have learnt so much resilience from leaving everyone and everything they know and starting afresh in a totally different culture

why do you presume that? you have clearly neither learnt nor developed any resilience from being away if you are so terrified of returning, just a sense of superiority that you and your children are the focus and centre of everybody's world.

I would be aware that during the summer many kids will be on holiday with their parents for a few weeks and that these usually don't align, especially if they have the mix of resident/non resident parents - my DS for example would've been on holiday for 4 of those weeks, 2 with me and 2 with his dad, when he was younger.

So for a lot of kids they don't actually see much of their friends in summer and actually look forward to going back to school to hang out with their friends.

Add to that the usual duties of having to shop at the weekends for uniform and other school stuff, family commitments etc.

It's up to you to contact the parents now, to see if you can carve out time really, and put the legwork in. Maybe organise an activity like a theme park or something, and offer to take a friend?

In a group there will probably be things going in their lives that your dd won't be a part of, so she'll probably feel a bit left out of those conversations, so I'd just tell her that's a minor possibility. I'd also plan just stuff to do together in the UK that you've both missed doing.

It’s a summer holiday, OP. Lean into and enjoy it. People will be glad to see you but they’ll also be doing their thing, living their lives. You’re hyper fixating and also, dial it back a bit. Why you’ve jumped to jealousy is a bit 😳. Really? Jealous… of what exactly? My neighbours left to live in Germany last year. Jealous is just something that wouldn’t even occur to me to feel. Life’s so busy and overwhelming, I never think about them really but I’ll hug them when I see them in front of me this summer.
Also, kids live in the present. They’ll either pick up where they left off or… they won’t. And the latter will have nothing to do with jealousy, just a distance that’ll have grown between them. It happens. Time and geography can change dynamics. Simple as that. The old kids from the neighbourhood will have done their own growth in the time you’ve been gone. Life gives us resilience training even if we haven’t left the bed, let alone the area we’re from. Life hasn’t been stagnant for your family or your neighbours’ families.
But here’s the thing, it’ll likely be a really wonderful summer and you may find yourself wanting to return, is my hunch.

If your children have picked up your superior snobby attitude that time has stood still with tumbleweed blowing round your old town while you've been off living the life of riley, then yes, they likely will end up being unwelcome and rejected by their old friends.

If however they're normal kids with a normal attitude, looking forward to seeing friends who will no doubt have missed them too, and catching up with everyone and seeing what they've missed in the post year then I'm sure they'll be just fine.

I'd make sure that the first encounters with old friends are group ones, so the kids can gradually get back together. They can be very awkward at this age, my DS once found it very hard to approach his best friends from primary on a family group camping trip the year after they'd gone to separate secondaries, he literally would not go up and chat, and he is not shy. Now they do a joint club activity and are reconnected. But they might be fine, as long as it isn't forced and expecting them to be just as close straight away , they have had to move on and there will be missed shared things, no biggie for adults but it is a long time proportionally for kids.

This.
People aren’t as invested in your life as you think they are.

I don’t think they will give two hoots. If you were already a higher earner than these ppl before you left and they were all lovely people to you with no overt jealousy, I don’t see why they would change based on your own perceptions that you’ve also moved somewhere apparently better.

Why do you think people will feel jealous? Most won't care at all. Either happy to see you, or if you have a superior complex will roll their eyes (but not out of jealousy!)

Only on MN and their children have no memories under the age of 7. I blame the lack of fat in their diets.
@eastandwest24 as said, lose the idea that they will be jealous, some of us are happy in the UK. Every country has a downside and emigrating isn't always all it's cracked up to be. They are former friends. Teens like novelty, so your teens should slot into the friendship group again. There will be stronger friendships within the group and you'll have to help navigate that.