To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

Maybe I prefer to reflect on my life choices rather than just accepting that is the way life is. My children are getting the age where they may be making these choices for themselves, I want them to make informed choices which means weighing up the positves and negatives of all possibilities. My childhood was coloured by blind optimism and making the best of things with little space for sadness or disatisfaction. Toxic positively and relentless cheerfulness can actually be quite harmful, I prefer to allow myself to feel a full range of emotions, including disappointment and regret occasionally as well as having things and people in my life that bring me great joy.

As described here:
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958

Do you think it would be better for my mental health to spend the rest of my life wallowing in regret at not being able to have children, rather than making the most of the great marriage, health, early retirement (that would not have been possible if I”d had kids) that I actually do have?

I think it might be helpful to process your grief (if you have any) around your childlessness. Jody Day has written an awful lot on this, apologies if you are already familiar with these resources: https://gateway-women.com/

I do some adoption stuff at work which is where I came across these ideas. I think there is a difference between allowing oneself to feel sad/disappointed/angry and meaningfully engaging and processing thise feelings and wallowing. But this is only my own personal view point.

I have processed my grief thank you. And I know all about Gateway Women, was a member for a time until I felt they were no longer what I needed.

Right, so we both agree that less socially acceptable emotions should be explored. I don't think I am particularly unusual to be looking back in mid-life and thinking about what might have been, to some extent questioning my choices and considering how best to guide my children through adult life. To suggest that marriage + children = unquestionable contentment is as flawed as thinking everyone without this set up is deeply lonely. As with most things in life there are shades of grey.

I don’t believe that maintaining a generally positive outlook on life necessarily equates to “toxic positivity”. Neither is continuing to dwell on negative emotions particularly healthy. I don’t deny that I occasionally feel wistful when I see a very cute baby or small child. But that feeling does not last long - especially if the baby starts screaming or the child has a tantrum!

As I say I can only speak to my own experience. Growing up emotions such as anger, sadness or disappointment were frowned upon to the point of denial. In adoption work there is a lot of narrative of the importance of allowing children to express these emotions. I have reflected about my own attitude to these things and I think in the home I grew up in there was a degree of " toxic positivity" I certainly think saying that " happiness is a choice" would fall into that category. In life there is a place for saying for example " I went from being a dutiful eldest daughter to a stressed out junior doctor to a devouted mother," I missed out on being young and carefree, sometimes that makes me sad or as you say wistful, that's ok.

Im most likely gonna get quoted at some point for this but i`ll say it anyway.
In the last few years ive noticed a rise in older mums at one point it was like a trend.
Now its like the trend is over and older mums are seeing the later in stead of the now.

I was reading on another thread of (i hate being an older mum) it was an eye opener to read and none judgmental.

Reflection is ok in moderation, but constantly wallowing in "what could have been" makes no one happy.

I'm pleased you're happy now x

Reflecting on your life and your choices is one thing. Suggesting you may have been happier with a different path is entirely another, because it sounds like you're saying you're unhappy with how things turned out.

If you're using that to guide your children into their own choices, they may well hear it wrong.

Choosing to be happy isn't a toxic trait. It's accepting that you've made your choices, your life is what it is, and seeing the good things. It's counting your blessings rather than dwelling on what you could have had.

How could anybody ever know if they could have been happier ? It's the path less travelled isn't it ?

Reflecting on your life and your choices is one thing. Suggesting you may have been happier with a different path is entirely another, because it sounds like you're saying you're unhappy with how things turned out.

If you're using that to guide your children into their own choices, they may well hear it wrong.

Choosing to be happy isn't a toxic trait. It's accepting that you've made your choices, your life is what it is, and seeing the good things. It's counting your blessings rather than dwelling on what you could have had.

Edit: sorry, glitch in the app and I've posted twice??

BTW I have always been a bit introspective, I studied psychology at Uni, I can of course just get on with things if needed but I have always enjoyed playing with possibilities in my mind.

I know someone who has had the worst run, so many bad things happened to them. They know they've had it rough but they still choose to see the positives and be overall happy. Because what is the other option? Live in misery and darkness?

This the second time you've posted something like this. It isn't either/or. Most of us bumble through life neither especially happy or unhappy. Owning that you might have liked to experience a different type of circumstances isn't living in darkness.

No, you're right, if someone has really shit circumstances they could just give up, that's another option.

My point is, sitting around wondering what if, isn't healthy. I've had a reasonably straightforward life, made some choices but not had much "hardship". One of my best friends however has had shit thrown at her at every turn. Her life has fallen apart many times. She could easily wallow. She could look back and say "if only I'd seen/done/picked.....". But she doesn't. She gathers up the good and pushes on to the next bit. Because looking back will make her crumple (those are her words). She chooses to be happy.

House prices and rent have been rising astronomically. Child care is also getting more and more expensive. So I'm not surprised if there's a trend in increasing age of parents - I imagine lots of people simply can't afford to have children in their 20s and 30s without struggling financially. It's natural to want to wait until you feel financially secure to have kids.

I'm not dead, just in a wheelchair, but thanks for implying that life is over for me because of it 🙄 I'm pretty sure my children would rather me move around on wheels than not be here at all. It has barely had an impact on them, other than emphasising the importance of kindness and understanding, which I actually think is a good thing.

Being disabled and being dead are completely different. My children aren't alone. They aren't dealing with loss, foster care, education issues, money issues.

No one said you were dead. Just that your condition will impact your children in ways that you not being disabled wouldn't have.

You may not see it. But there will be an increased feeling of anxiety, responsibility, care towards you that teenagers of able bodied parents won't have.

My mum was young when she had me. But when her dad died, after a rough time for her anyway, she had a breakdown. She is fine now, but as her (adult) child, it's impacted me. I felt like I needed to step up within the family to make sure less was on her. I felt her need me more. It made me realise she won't be there forever. Stepping up when she needed support made me realise what other responsibilities will fall to me when she's not longer here. She's still here, she's ok now, but I was still impacted.

Agreed. My mother is now disabled too and the worry and anxiety about the future weighs very heavily on me.

Older parents can bring experience in the widest sense to their dc/dgc. My grandfather was at school when Queen Victoria died and in work when Edward VII died in 1910. The changes that had occurred in his lifetime were phenomenal and talking about them with him was amazing. My dd born in the 21st century is able to talk to her gps about what it was like as a child in WW2.

So because they might have to care for aging parents, they shouldn't have a life at all?

Not a strong argument imo.
Messing with nature, yes I can see issues with that, but like GM food and RNA vaccine, time and technology move on.