To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

Perhaps they've left home? Being a parent of a 21 year old and one of a 5 year old is a totally different kettle of fish

I just realised this will be me in another 18 years.

I had my youngest a month shy of my 42nd birthday.

It does sound old but that's the hand that was dealt and I'm incredibly grateful to have eventually had my children even though it was later in life than I'd planned for.

Yes it is but it’s still parenting. Sometimes it’s harder.

I guess it's a case of you pays your money and you takes your choice.

Carefree 20 and a large part of your 30's, so 15 years of doing your own thing with few responsibilities. Or the same but at the other end of your working life eg: late 40's- mid '60's, perhaps less youth and energy but more money and adult children to enjoy the good times and perhaps share the burden of elderly parents.

Not on a day to day basis. And certainly less restrictive. Mine are 32:28 and 20 so speak from experience

See, this assumes that those of us who have had children in our late 30s/40s had the choice to do it earlier. I didn't (unless I'd gone solo or, I suppose, procreated with someone who didn't want to be with me, or whom I didn't want to be with.

I recently did my family tree and even not too far back, it was completely normal for women to be having children in their late 30s even 40s.

No one knows the future will hold. We all take risks having children whatever age you have them. It isn't a given if you have children younger you will be around for longer. I've known plenty of people in their 20s and 30s who have had to care for their parents or had parents die. Of course there's statistics but they are just that numbers. They aren't a true picture of how your future will play out.

There's some awful comments on this thread about wrinkly mums or even one that women over 45 have all sorts of health problems. There is a growing body of research about biological age and how with goof diet and lifestyle choices this can be reduced. The shaming of mums whatever age they have kids is awful.

According to my midwife women in their mid/late 40s being unexpectedly pg is not unusual, mainly because they believe that it's not possible to get pg so don't take precautions. Women have historically continued to have children into their late 40s.

This is what many people say. I don't really have a response to that, except to say that all my boyfriends from age 18 onwards were viewed through the lens of potential father to my children. Becoming a mother and having a family was so intergral to my life view that it was something I prioritised. I am not saying that others didn't btw. I don't think doing it one or the other is necessarily better or worse tbh.

Good for you!

I would have loved to have been an FTM in my early 30s rather than early 40s. I dated with the intention of finding a boyfriend who'd be a potential husband and father. Just didn't happen for me. Only a couple of relationships and they didnt work out. Same for most of the friends of mine who were still single at 40. We weren't striding around turning down eligible men because we were too focused on our careers or didn't want to sacrifice our lie-ins.

At the other side of that, are the women who settle for someone who might be ok to procreate with but as it turns out aren't. So either they're single mothers or trapped in a bad marriage.

I know a few of the ones trapped. And I knew them from being teenagers. They were always desperate to find their husband and settle down. More than one have jumped in feet first with the first man who showed any sign of affection towards them.

I'm pleased it worked out for you. Not everyone is lucky enough to find the right man at the right time to have their family before they're into their 30s.

But your argument is that older people shouldn’t have them in case the child ends up caring for them/traumatised by health issues/impacted by early death? Yet you became disabled with presumably teenage children at most, who would of course have been impacted by that, despite being a Mum in your twenties. Aren’t you an example of “anything can happen” so it doesn’t matter when you have them, they can still be impacted by a change in circumstances such as illness, disability or death?

Who says it worked out ?
Life for most of us is complex and involves trade offs and comprises. Very few of us can have it all and even fewer can have it all at once. I don't have a bad life, for most people the fairy tale is just that.

This. That poster is glad she had her children younger because she became suddenly disabled? Meaning now her teenagers/young adults have the responsibility of looking after their disabled mother (whether it's put on them or not, it's a responsibility they will feel).

Whereas I had mine in my mind 30s and I've been terrible because she might not have me as long, or I might be ill when I'm older?

You did. You said that was your plan and you went about it accordingly.

They’re not so common in women like me with a long history of infertility and failed IVF. Though having said that I’m sure the anecdotes will come pouring in now!

But do I have a better life, a happier life than if I'd bided my time and waited ? Pleased myself more in my 20's ? Maybe ended up with a stronger sense of self less intertwined with motherhood perhaps ? Had babies when both the fatherof them and I were more mature, less impulsive, richer ? Was it the right choice ? Who knows

Did you get what you wanted and are you happy? If both of those are yes, then it worked out and you made a good choice. That's it. That's all we have as humans.

That is a very black and white way of looking at the world. Neither of those questions have yes/no answers.

They do. You wanted a family. You got a family. So yes, you got what you wanted.

Are you happy? Yes? No?

I admit there's degrees of happy, and people can still aspire to more than they have. But you can be happy while moving forward to the next goal. Or you can be happy while sitting still. Or you can be unhappy with what you have.

Happy is a state of mind.

When I'm 61, my kids will be in their last year of primary school (not in the UK, so they'll be 13).
I'm hoping to retire about 62/63, so will be around for all their secondary schooling, to drive them places, support homework, etc.

So having a 19-year-old at 61 wouldn't even raise an eyebrow to me. In fact, my mum was 61 when I was 19, and I never felt she was old.

Well to an extent, I do believe that not having children would have made me very deeply unhappy and unfufilled. Because I was aware of this from a very young age I made certain choices, which meant that in other ways I was maybe less fufilled than I might have been. I didn't get everything I might have wanted, I did get 2 healthy children. Some days that makes me happy other days I long for freedom and self expression.Sometimes I think well you should have thought of that earlier. Just like anyone else really.

But now your teenage/young adult children have the responsibility of a disabled parent. How is that any fairer than having children at an older age if you are healthy? You can't predict everything.

Happy is still a state of mind. So while you may question choices some days, you still know whether you are overall happy or not.

If you're happy with your life overall, don't overthink how you got there or whether it would be better if you'd done it differently. Be happy that you're happy.

You can choose to be happy. Choose it.

I agree. I wasn’t able to have children and was obviously very unhappy about that, but I am actually very happy with my life as it is now, 63 and retired. It’s wonderful. Realising that being happy is a choice and isn’t dependent on getting everything you want in life was a game changer for me.