To think it's not right that DD(19) has a 61 year old mum

[LornaDuh]

Don't know why it's just hit me at 10.45 on a Saturday night in June.

Just feels weird that a girl not yet out of her teens has a mum over 60!

How did his mum die? How old was his 'elderly' father when his mum died?

What you've described is tragic, but it's not the standard life of a child with older parents.

I was the only one of my friends growing up who didn’t have gp’s. My dad lost both his parents by 30, and my mum was brought up in a children’s home and didn’t know her parents.

I get so upset reading these threads. I'm 37 next month and ttc my 2nd child. I had such severe mental health difficulties after my first one 2 years ago that I didn't think I'd have a second one. I was late having him too as well due to repeated miscarriages. It seems like you can't win anyway, it's cruel to have an only child and then cruel to have them older. Yes I'd have liked them younger but life doesn't follow a set timeline. It can be easy to judge older parents if you've never faced the difficulties people have had to children.

There's so much worse things in life than having older parents. Poverty, abuse and neglect and I know I'll be bringing any child into a loving secure family.

I console myself reading about biological age vs chronological age and doing what I can to keep myself healthy! There's reading here for anyone interested https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-chronological-age-2223384

That reminds me of Jack Whitehall and his dad. (They were very good together in their travel series despite the massive age difference).

It must have been hard for you though to have a parent that old when you were still so young.

'Those poor kids. My mum died when I was 49 & that was too soon. They’ll be lucky to still have a mum when they’re 30. (And I’d say exactly the same about a father the same age)'

I'm in my late thirties and both my parents are dead, and I have two friends also in the same position. Nearly all of my friends have at least one parent who has died, we are maybe just an unlucky bunch but I don't think you can really expect your parents to live until you are old yourself.

Good luck with your ttc. 🤞

When I was expecting my first (at 40, had him just turned 41), the hospital did a test and told me I was the equivalent of a thirty year old mum-to-be. That reassured me a lot and I was fortunate to have a healthy, nearly nine pound baby (who’s now a strapping six footer).

@Senzafine These threads are always guilt inducing and I always regret opening them! Your age is pretty normal to be having a second (I know that's area dependent but definitely where I live that's pretty average). I think people who say over 35 is too old were lucky enough to have them younger. Best of luck with ttc

My life long friend was ‘orphaned’ in her mid thirties even though her parents were typically (for the 1950s) young. My parents were similar age to hers but I’ve only just become ‘orphaned’ in my early 60s.

I’m acutely aware that having had my children in my early 40s they will very likely only be in their thirties, or if I’m lucky, forties when I pop my clogs. I do feel I’ve done them a bit of a disservice in that respect and it has weighed on my mind at times. I didn’t want children in my twenties, couldn’t conceive when I did want them in my early thirties, got cancer in my mid-later thirties then naturally conceived in my early forties.

I ended up being a single mum by the time my youngest (I was 43 when I had him) was less than two years old. I feel really proud of the fact I’ve brought up two lovely kids to adulthood who have never caused me trouble and I’ve always been there for them, they’ve never been deprived of anything ‘fun’ because of my age. The three of us are very close.

I'm 60 and have a nearly 15 yo, so I think you're a spring chicken!

Seriously, I too wish I was younger, but there's no magic pill for that, so all we can do is get on.

My grandmother is 101 tomorrow and still living independently; my mum is still working full time; there's plenty of life left!

Define old DGM died aged 96 when her three children were 69, 67 and 62. Is that old ? Her grandchildren were 45,43,35,33 and 22. Her great- grandchildren were 17,12,9,8 &6.

Of course 96 is old. Most people do not live that long.

Are you seriously thinking you will feel like an OAP when you are in your late 50s?

I think people are being silly in this thread. The average life span in the UK is over 80. I'm amazed that people think 60s is elderly.

The price of housing in the UK means that many people don't feel financially secure enough to have children young anymore. It's a consequence of the world we live in.

I meant her DCs is 69 old ? What about 62 ?
I am 48 DM is 75 I have a reasonable expectation I will be in my 60's before I loose her. DDad is about to be 77.

@Neurodiversitydoctor both my parents were dead in their seventies.

These threads are always guilt inducing and I always regret opening them!

They shouldn't induce guilt. I just started a chat about my late night musings. There have been lots of interesting replies, some weird, some nasty. However, I know I'm a very good mum (DD tells me!), that my wonderful daughter wouldn't be who she is had she not been born when I was 41. And she very much likes who she is and absolutely loves her life. And her mum 😊

God, these threads are infuriating and ridiculous.

If life were perfect and we could all choose the exact right time to meet the partner we wanted to have children with and then conceive our preferred number of children at the exact right time, then this sort of discussion about the rights and wrongs of being younger or older might make some sense.

Instead, we have to live in a world that isn't perfect and make the best of it. All good parents just live our lives as best we can and love our children, whether we have them young, old or somewhere between.

Children can be happy or unhappy with young parents, old parents, rich parents, poor parents, siblings, no siblings etc etc. There is no magic formula.

Plenty of women having children later in life. I don’t see the issue.

I do strongly feel there's a "magic formula" as you term it but it'll never come to pass in many countries.

When my dd is 19, I will be 64. Her friend's mum died at the age of 39. No one can know how life will turn out. Some people seem much older than their real age due to health issues, lifestyle or interests (or lack of them). Other people seem much younger due to their health, lifestyle etc.

Just enjoy your own life and don't compare yourself to anyone else.

Of course people aren't OAPs in their 50s, and even though 65 is officially a pensioner, I think it should be changed to 70, especially as we are expected to work to 67 now.

But I do wish people would stop spouting this nonsense that 61 is actually quite young. It's NOT... As a pp said, you're only 19-20 years away from the average age that women die, only a handful of years away from retirement, and for many people their health will be in decline. (And with some, their health will have started to deteriorate over the past 6-8 years.) Many people this age (early 60s,) will be grandparents, and a few will be great-grandparents!

Saying people in their 60s are still quite young is patronising and condescending. And the type of people saying this are very likely the same ones who say 'this is George, he's 87 years young!' It's utterly cringe! 😖

And I say this as someone who is almost 60 myself, with a 62 year old husband! I'm not quite young, and HE is not quite young, so being so bloody patronising! We are quite old, and there is nothing wrong with that. Why are some people in such denial about ageing? There's nothing wrong with it FFS. Stop talking about it like it's a bad thing. It's a PRIVILEGE that is denied to some people!

@Cattyisbatty - I've sent you a PM

Well, you do you @RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue but at 70 years of age I do still feel quite young, and I have no intention of becoming 'elderly' any time soon....... unless it is forced on me by unfortunate circumstances.

She died of cancer. He was in his 70s.

I have an ex who was 17 when he lost his father, who was in his early 50s when he had him. It was absolutely awful - his mum went to pieces and it was left to him to put her back together again. He was never the same. Didn't get to go to uni, didn't get to follow his dreams. It makes me sad.

I know children can lose their parents at any age, but the older they are, the higher the risk is, and the younger the child to have to deal with it. It's not something I could personally do.

I'm so grateful I was able to have mine in my 20s, because in my late 30s, I became suddenly disabled. None of us expected it, we didn't plan for it. It was out of the blue. Had I not had them in my 20s, I would be childless now, and I'm not sure how I would have coped with that. So I'm very thankful.

That's a tragic situation but not remotely normal. It sounds like you have a massive bee in your bonnet about one particular person with exceptionally difficult circumstances.

I'm about to have my first child at 35. I didn't want children, I'd never planned to be a mother. Had a miscarriage after getting pregnant while on the Pill at the end of 2022 and it flipped a switch. I desperately wanted to be a mum. My boyfriend is 62 and he's freaking out about being a dad again. I'm not surprised, he has two grown up children from his previous marriage. To be honest I'm expecting that I'm going to end up doing this by myself anyway, which is going to be tough. I did think about abortion and adoption, I couldn't do either, as it turned out!